Thank God for pancakes!

So if you’ve been following along, my mini-vacation from work starts tomorrow. I have fudged a bit and sort of started it today. Both bosses are gone and I have the office to myself. I’ve got my XM going on the computer and it’s cranked up loud and I’m having a great time getting some last minute things organized so I don’t have to worry about them.

Everyone knows from the parking lot when my bosses aren’t here and they come up and talk to me (if I’m not busy I really enjoy it!) when I’m by myself. I get to catch up on everyone and how work is going outside of my cubicle.

Today, someone came to my office and said he was going to a pancake breakfast fund raiser and asked if I wanted him to bring me a plate back to work. I thought (I wish I could say I thought long and hard), and I thought, “I have not had pancakes in a long time!” and I told him yes. You guys, he brought me three lovely fluffy pancakes with bacon AND sausage and plenty of butter and syrup. OMG! I was in heaven! What a perfect way to get my vacation started!

I started thinking about what was so special about pancakes and I quickly went back in time when I was young and living at home. I don’t have a lot of fond memories of my father but him standing in the kitchen making pancakes is definitely a fond memory.

My father was in the Air Force for 20 years and in that time he was away from us a lot and he learned to cook for himself and he could fix a mean breakfast. What was so great about his pancakes was you never knew what he was going to put in them. He did the traditional pancakes and sometimes he would add blueberries or pecans but my favorite were his vanilla or maple pancakes and sometimes his peanut butter pancakes. I would wait at the table for my pancakes and he would serve me mine and then sit down with me to eat his. Good memories!

So back to the pancakes in general…this morning I realized I placed a lot of importance on the fact that I “hadn’t had pancakes in so long” and you know what that sounds like to me? “I’ve been so good not to have fattening pancakes.” Or “Do I deserve to eat pancakes?” Or even “It’s a special time, the beginning of my vacation, so I’ll have pancakes to celebrate.”

Why do I base my goodness on what I do or don’t eat? Why do I think I don’t deserve pancakes? Why do I have to wait for celebratory times to eat the foods I like? SKEWED THINKING! FORTY-SOMETHING YEARS OF SKEWED THINKING! So I haven’t got my new acceptance thinking down pat yet but I’m catching myself more and more along the way. It may take me a while but I’m on the right road.

Again I say, “Thank God for pancakes!”

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Stress Findings

ED Bites has posted some neat snippets of an article about rats and baboons coping with stress…

Tantilizing snippet (so, ya know… go to ED Bites and see the rest! ):

[H]is research, combined with a rich background provided by other scientists, has led him to figure out a bunch of very basic tips to help us cope with stress:

• An outlet or hobby. Rats who could gnaw on a piece of wood after receiving a very mild shock didn’t develop any stress-related diseases, while those with no way to “cope” with the stress did develop diseases (ulcers, high blood pressure, etc).
• Predictability. If the rats received a brief warning that the shock was going to happen, even if they couldn’t avoid it, they did not develop stress-related diseases.

Hmmm… now to find myself some wood to gnaw…

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Troubles with Fast Eating

Do you ever eat too fast?  I’ve been eating too fast for pretty much my whole life.  Even in recovering from the eating disorders, I’ve still been an annoyingly fast eater.  It wouldn’t bother me to eat too fast if it didn’t often give me tummy problems or cause me to overeat… and overeating for me (even just a little bit), usually results in nausea, so it’s something I would really rather avoid. 

I have literally spent years trying to get myself to not only delve into the deeper ends of hunger and then when I do eat – eat slowly.  Oh, silly me.    My therapist has been telling me for years that I wait too long to eat… that I let my hunger get too far.  For a long time, I didn’t know what else to do but ignore this advice.  Other than extreme hunger, I didn’t really feel hunger.  However, this has changed.  I have been able to see all different kinds of shades of hunger for quite a while now… and it struck me yesterday that maybe I can finally put my therapist’s observation to work. 

I started by observing how I eat normally.  Normally, I wait too long and then end up eating too fast and sometimes too much.  I may notice a hunger signal at noon, but will find eating “inconvenient” until it gets so bad I can no longer function without food.  Here’s where the eating too fast comes in. 

I also have noticed that when I don’t wait until hunger is so ridiculously urgent that I then find it easy to eat slowly and savor the food… and I usually avoid the usual tummy problems I get from scarfing my food down. 

I’m realizing that it is HARD to remember not to let myself get too hungry.  It’s such an ingrained habit for me.  I ate breakfast too little and too late… so I ended up scarfing lunch.  A little while after lunch, I realize I’m still hungry, but not URGENTLY hungry… not the crazy, painful hungry that I usually make myself wait for.  So, I have taken the opportunity to give myself some more nourishment.    And, yeah…eating before insane hunger is beautiful.  Savoring my banana vanilla yogurt is no struggle.  Yet, the struggle to try to get myself to eat at a decent pace when I’m super hungry… it’s insanely difficult… in fact, impossible.  I’ve learned through years of experience that expecting myself to eat at a slower pace while being very hungry just isn’t realistic. 

Have you guys experienced this process?  Have you noticed eating fast causes you problems?  Have you managed to slow down?  If so, how?  If not… where are you struggling?  Share your story! 

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Broken Playground Toy Epidemic! & Awesome Fat Gymnast!!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL… I was looking for a pic for a shout-out to A Day in the Fat Life’s neat post and found this gem over to the left… hahahahahaha…

If broken see-saws are such a tragedy, why not make them sturdier and more appropriately sized for today’s children who are larger than generations past (ya know… one generation is generally larger -height, build, weight – than the last_???  *headdesk*

Anyhoo… back to ADITFL’s awesomeness… she posted up this beautiful video of a guy who is probably morbidly obese doing the most awesome gymnast routine.  Yeah, I am sure that he should be ashamed of his sedentary life style and lack of fitness.  *headdesk*

–AngryGrayRainbows

Update:

Commentor Lalaroo has offered a link showing the fat gymnast is a guy in a fat suit.  Oh well… at least the see-saw bit is still sharp. 

HotMama: you were definitely right about smelling a rat!  Thank you for the head’s up as well.

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Hormones are raging!

So at 45 years old I have decided to start the birth control pill once again. I gave my body a break for a couple of years and I’m ready for the regularity and spontanaety of being back on the pill. I’m on the third week of my first pack and, as usual, I’m experiencing all the lovely side effects…spotting, cramping, headaches, moodiness, etc…

I honestly believe they should prescribe me double anti-depressants when I’m starting the pill. My husband has been so understanding and knows that my hormones are all over the place right now but I got to tell ya, I’ve been the bitch from hell! I’ve thrown myself pity parties, I’ve isolated myself and I’ve craved chocolate like crazy. Chocolate isn’t even a favorite of mine.

I look forward to that third pack of pills because I figure that’ll be when I start acting human again!

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Oh No! Cellulite!

I don’t know much about Kim Kardashian… but I did catch some recent photos that were released from Complex.com showing her before and after photoshopped pics for a magazine. 

OMG, get your helmets!!!!  CELLULITE!!!!  <<cowers in corner with helmet and axe awaiting rampage of evil cellulite>> 

Kim responded:

…I’m proud of my body and my curves and this picture coming out is probably helpful for everyone to see that just because I am on the cover of a magazine doesn’t mean I’m perfect.

While I think it would be really lovely if a celeb refused to be photoshopped, I think the way Kim responded in a pretty cool way.  I think it’s a shame that as amazingly gorgeous as she is that she still has to be chopped up via photoshop for some magazine cover.  I wish more lumpy thighs were shown in the media, so women like me who have them don’t feel like such freaks of nature. 

It goes to show what an unrealistically “perfection” obsessed culture we are that a woman that looks like Kim Kardashian has to stand up for her own body… sad, really.  How much harder is it for the average woman to love her body in this environment? 

As I say often, but never often enough…   Whatever your size and whoever you are - you are beautiful!!!  I challenge you, friends and readers, to own your beauty… as I try to own my own.   

–AngryGrayRainbows

Update:

Courtesy of the F-Word… more from Kardashian that doesn’t make her seem so cool about her thighs.  Sigh.  How disappointing…

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Tweet What You Eat

*Headdesk*… link here.

Do you wanna know how many calories your friend ate at lunch?  Just read his/her twitter! 

While a food diary can be a helpful thing, somehow I’m skeptical that posting one’s food journal to everyone you know is going to be a great step towards public health.  The first thing that occurred to me is that it will allow for twitter calorie restriction competitions.  Fun.  (not)

Don’t we obsess enough about what we eat in this culture without twittering our every eaten morsel?  Hah.

–AngryGrayRainbows

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“I am Capable”?

I’ve been working on finding the feeling of being capable in myself, since WRT2 wrote her brillaince about visualizing being full of love… my original call-0ut of her lovely post and my own rumination on the topic is here.

I am a person who has rarely felt capable in her life… I am just starting to realize this.  I often am anxious and hypervigilant.  There’s the diagnosis of PTSD and ADD and maybe this is somehow related – I’m noticing a lot less of PTSD/ADD hypervigilance the more CAPABLE I allow myself to feel… neat, eh? 

I have had such a habit of picking part any little thing I might be doing (even if it is just trying to relax).  I have a running commentary in my head that tells me I’m going too fast… too slow… not careful enough… too careful… however I do something, it never seems good enough.  When I’m at my worst, I can be afraid to do anything other than leisure activity, because I get so sick of the loud judgements in my head, but most of the time it is not that bad.  Years back, my life seemed to be completely smothered with this icky kind of thinking, but years of recovery work and therapy have helped tons. 

Since my focus on feeling capable, I have noticed huge changes in my hyperness and hypervigilance.  I feel so much calmer.  I feel confident.  I haven’t been dissecting my every move… I haven’t been blaming myself for things that are circumstantial, as I often catch myself doing.  For example, this morning, I drove across town to Target.  Often my driving in the city is one of those things where I spend the whole time nit-picking myself for every little things… and things that aren’t even close to my fault.  I noticed all the things I WASN’T dissecting myself about today… and it felt like a huge relief.  I didn’t beat myself up for driving over a large bump that couldn’t be avoided.  I didn’t second guess my every decision.  I allowed myself to take my time making decisions and looking both ways at intersections and the like.  It just felt normal and natural.  It felt right… I didn’t feel smothered by the jury in my head… I think the jury was at the beach or something. 

I’ve been thinking about how incapable I have felt my whole life and it makes me sad.  Maybe it’s genetic.  My guess is that it is a combo of nature and nuture.  I have two parents that are PTSD’d and perhaps ADD’d… very anxious people.  However, most of what I remember about being taught what a loser I supposedly am came from my step-father.  I couldn’t even walk through a room without getting criticised about the way I walked through the room.  No joke.  It was constant, suffocating, negative commentary… and it didn’t start in my head… the first I remember hearing it – it came from someone’s mouth.  Nothing ever seemed good enough… ever.  Eventually my believe in my ability to do just about anything became crushed.  Sometimes I still hear his voice in my head.  Sigh…

In allowing myself to feel capable, I’ve really noticed all the ways I usually don’t feel capable… I haven’t felt capable in my ability to enjoy food, to make decisions about exercise, to relax, to hold down a job, to pick-out an outfit, to have a conversation, to drive, to be a pet owner, to wash dishes, to vacuum, to organize a room… I could go on listing stuff all day, but I’m sure you get the point.  It is shocking to me how much this feeling of incapability has ham-strung me in my day-to-day life!  It is shocking to me how free I feel all of a sudden… it’s like all these years I felt the anxiety, but never knew WHY… and knowing why has helped me understand the problem and therefore TACKLE it… and wow… things feel so much better right now.  It’s amazing. 

Life is feeling so much more enjoyable right now… life just feels so much lighter.  Who knew I felt so incapable…?  I’m sure people close to me could’ve pointed it out though…  

Moving forward, I plan to keep on with this focus on feeling capable and allowing myself to feel capable.  Not that I need to start feeling capable of flying and then I go jump off the roof for a test flight.  I’m talking about things that I know are realistic… I know I am a good driver.  I know I eat well.  I know I take really good care of my beasties.  I know I can have a really good convo!  I know I can hold down a job… I have a very stable job history, even if the jury in my head refuses to acknowledge it. 

So, readers!  How capable do you feel?  Does anyone struggle like I have?  How have you tried to work past it? 

In the meantime… I am looking forward to taking life slowly for a while and spending time focusing on my own capability as opposed to focusing on nitpicking myself ad nauseum.    Ah… what a relief… whoooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!  Life is so sweet when I’m not spending most of my energy hypervigilant for any evidence that I am an “incapable loser.”  Oooo… I hope this sticks!

How much sweeter would life feel for those of us who nitpick ourselves if we were able to let it go….?  What would you do if you were free of the nitpickers in your head? 

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Family Update

My family is a real piece of work… seriously. 

At 4pm yesterday, I decided to try to call my mom even though I figured she was in a hospital waiting for my step-dad to get his open-heart surgery done… and therefore she wouldn’t have her cell on.  I call.  She picks up immediately.  They’re AT HOME?!?!  Wha….???

Apparently yesterday was the date for a SECOND OPINION – not the surgery.  *headdesk*  My mother was so garbled and upset the last time we talked that the message got all goofy apparently… who knows.  *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*  The really good news is that the second opinion was that the first doctor was seeing things and that open heart surgery may not even be needed.  The second doc is trying to get a hold of the first doc, because she has no idea what he saw that would merit a recommendation of immediate open-heart surgery.  Apparently the first doc, who was extremely easy to get a hold of previously, has suddenly disappeared and no one can get a hold of him.  Something smells wrong here…

I recommended to my parents to go for a third opinion.  Given what we now know about the first doc, the second doc is prolly right.  I will spare you all the details… but to be sure, I think a third opinion is a good idea since so far they have two wildly different opinions as yet. 

Anyway… my mother is now claiming that my step-father seems healthy as a horse (as opposed to her description of being completely white and sleeping all the time last week) and she sees the point about maybe not needing the surgery.  *headdesk*  My mother is a pathological liar who half the time doesn’t even know when she’s exaggerating or lying… so who knows what the truth is.  I just didn’t think that with such an important topic as my step-father’s heart that she wouldn’t hop on the drama train and start painting her own dramatic versions of reality.  Oh, silly me.  It seems obvious to me now that I should’ve known better.  She’s mentally ill.  Stress isn’t going to cure it – more likely it would exacerbate it.  Ah well, ya live – ya learn. 

Today I feel kinda like a slug.  Tuesday I was so upset and sad and worried about my step-dad.  Wednesday I was emotionally okay, because I seemed to have gotten most of my grieving out on Tuesday… however, I think I was still kinda messed up.  Today, I feel like I have spent the last two days running marathons.  I feel like I’ve been put through a meat grinder.  I feel like I could sleep all day… and perhaps I will… 

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Leap of faith

In 2005 I began what I thought was my recovery road from compulsive overeating.  In March 2009 I view it in a different way and I’d like to share my thoughts on this.

In January 2005, I was told by a psychiatrist that I had an eating disorder and that I needed help.  Sitting there with my husband (because we were in therapy for our troubled marriage) and listening to this man put a name to my troubled past was wonderful for me.  “AHA!  I’m a compulsive overeater!  This is what’s been wrong with me for so many years.”  All my questions were answered now that I had a name for what “ailed” me.   This same psych told me to look for some support and I told him I had been to OA before and wasn’t a big fan so he suggested I look for online help.  It was at that point that I became involved in an online eating disorder community and it was then I started working on some issues in my life that desperately needed worked on.

I’m not saying I couldn’t have done it without the help of that community but I do feel that they helped direct me and lead me in ways I may not have done on my own.  I sought some professional help during my time in that community and I beared/bore (?) my soul to that community and the therapists I had at the time.   I had one therapist that I could see for a short time period that was offered through work and then later I found another therapist locally that helped me with other issues (we eventually had to part ways because we did not see things the same way and I wasn’t going to pay someone to tell me I needed gastric bypass surgery or that I “just need to lose weight”.)

I say all that to lead into the fact that at some point last year I realized I had become AS obsessed with my eating disorder as I had been with dieting.  My inner focus was still on my weight but it was being disguised by me saying I was “recovering from my eating disorder.”  I finally came to believe that staying in that online support group that had helped me through so many rough times was actually keeping in my “disordered life”.   I wasn’t growing, I was stagnant and stuck, continuing to obsess on weight loss.  I was still in the same prison I was in when I first joined the website…a prison of self hate and unrealistic expectations placed on myself.  I made a conscious decision last year to change my focus from my weight to my self-acceptance.

When I shared with this online community who had supported me so ferociously for three years that I was changing my beliefs and that I was not focusing on weight loss anymore, you would’ve thought I had committed the cardinal sin.  I was so much as told that if I wanted to go on my journey of self-acceptance and self-love, I shouldn’t expect support from that community.  Paraphrasing, I was told that to be healed and recovered from an eating disorder that I could not be fat and that I had to lose weight to a “normal” weight and be happy.   Whenever I questioned who determined what that normal weight was, I was pretty much led back to the scale which, coincidentally, was taboo on that website.  Sure, they said you could base it on your clothes and if you were “comfortable”.  “Don’t weigh, just use your clothing as a guage.”  Ok, so what size do I go for?  I’m currently a size 26 so do I go for a 24, an 18, a 10 or maybe a 6?  Any time I posted to that website about how I was loving myself and doing caring things for myself I was led to believe that if I was fat, the caring thing would be to lose weight.  Oh yeah, sure, take the bubble baths, buy yourself some spiffy clothes, go out in the sunshine, but make sure you lose some weight because you just can’t be happy if you’re fat.  Basically they were telling me that if I didn’t lose weight and was still happy…I had to be delusional.

In my time in that community, I made some huge strides in my “personal recovery” (I will no longer call it recovery from an eating disorder) because I worked hard through some major marital issues, some abandonment issues and some horribly painful issues with my deceased father.  BUT, until just a few months ago, I believe my life was as disordered as it had ever been and that community only exacerbated it and allowed me to stay stuck in some serious self-bashing and self-loathing.

It’s really cool because within that community was a contributor who helped me more than she will ever know.  (I think she’ll know if she reads this that I’m talking about her.)  This person lives in the Chicago area and started telling me that she was seeing a therapist who was a big supporter of Overcoming Overeating and also highly recommended HAES.  That person, whom I still keep in touch with today, made a huge impact on my life.  I was already a big OO fan but I had never really heard anything about HAES.  My search began and I found my refuge.

My personal journey no longer includes the ED online support group who helped me so much for a few years and it doesn’t include therapy at this time.  I do maintain some of my friendships I made from the online community and I still get some much needed support from them when I need it but my journey is now a very selfish one.  I’m my priority.  I care about me and my own well being.  I do caring and loving things for me.  I live intuitively now.  I listen to me instead of depending on others to tell me what to do.  I now look back on that fateful trip to the psychiatrist where he told me I had an eating disorder and I think:  “It wasn’t/isn’t an eating disorder, it was, and sometimes still is, a disordered life with disordered thinking.”   I still have bad days where not everything is rosy but I can honestly say that now, more than ever, I live intuitively and lovingly and it’s been a wonderful life change.

It’s been a leap of faith to leave that community and strike out on my own (ok, with some help from dear friends like AGR) and to test my new beliefs but it’s been the most fulfilling time of my life thus far.  I was hoping to open this up and see if I could get anyone else to share with me what you might consider to be a “leap of faith” you’ve taken…anything you felt was risky but you did it anyway because you felt it was for your own personal growth.  I’d love to hear about it and discuss it.

~sas

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