I’m thinking about putting an ad in the local paper asking for help in finding me.
LOST: One fun-loving, robust, smiling female. Blonde hair, hazel eyes and a sense of humor to die for. She’s intelligent and witty and empowered. Her typing skills are fair, she’s a great organizer and a good listener. She loves music and dancing, playing spades and having a good time. If you’ve seen her, please contact sassyblonde and let her know where she is and what she’s doing.
Found: I’ve seen her. She’s wondering around lost as a goose. She’s lost her voice, her sense of self and her independence. She’s codependent as hell on her hubby. She feels powerless and helpless. She feels out of control and like the decisions she makes are invalid and wrong. She avoids friendships, socializing or gatherings of any kind…she’s isolating. She doesn’t trust her own feelings anymore and she’s tired of feeling alone. She’s just about shut down all together.
I honestly can’t remember a time when I was independent and trusted myself to make any decisions. My childhood was one of strict religious rules, a domineering and raging father and a mother who abandoned me emotionally at a very young age.
I have lost the ability to trust my own intuition about my decisions, my body, my spirituality, etc…
From a very young age I was guided and guarded very closely. When it came time for me to leave the nest and strike out on my own, I wasn’t allowed to. Guilt and shame were used to keep me on a tight leash and although I lived out on my own I was at “home” constantly. My father became gravely ill when I was 18 years old and he remained ill until the day he died (about 20 years later). Even though he was ill and I was no longer living at home, he knew how to guilt me into staying under his thumb of control.
When I got married, I, of course, married a man very similar to my father. Although my husband saw the controlling nature and domineering behavior in my father, he doesn’t see that he is the same way. He may not see it because I don’t tell him often enough that he is controlling everything.
It’s time for me to find me! It’s time for me to find the fun-loving, socializing person that I am inside and live life! It’s going to be a process for me but I know it will be well worth it.
I’m going to start with my eating. I’m going to tell my husband that he is responsible for his recovery and I’m responsible for mine. I started having my eating controlled at the age of seven when my mom took me to my first WW meeting and I’ve had someone or something (the latest diet fad, book, etc…) controlling my eating ever since. It’s time I trust my own intuition about my eating.
This is scary as hell. It seems to me that I’m at 280 pounds and hate myself because I didn’t have enough willpower, enough control or whatever – when in actuality, I hate myself because I trusted other people or things and didn’t trust ME. Putting trust in me is going to be a huge challenge.
Baby steps, right? This step will hopefully be the first of many in finding me again. Wish me luck!