I work in a cafe with lots of high fat/sugar and super-delicious pastry type foods, so I also get to hear a lot of customers tell me about their self-hate and diets. I’ve seen a 60 or 70-something year old nun consistently come in and worry about the calories in her hot chocolate. I’ve had a very thin/tall man regular customer keep babbling on and on about the diet he is on and obsessing about even after I told him several times that I am not interested in the subject (What is it about diets that people seem to lose all sense of boundaries in regard to them?). I have seen a woman who could easily be someone’s grandma talk about the “sin” of putting whipped cream on her mocha and the even worse “sin” of buying a cookie to eat with that mocha. I have also been thanked by a few women for challenging their body-hating talk and my pointing out that food is just food – not a “sin” and not a moral issue. One customer has told me flat out that she feels a lot safer ordering her favorite blended coffee drink when I am around, because she knows I won’t participate in any body-hating dialogue. It is sad that food rhetoric has become so vitriolic that a person of normal weight (as this customer is) doesn’t feel safe ordering a blended coffee drink…
I wonder what people would be capable of achieving if they put their energy into goals that were actually achievable rather than the infinite black-hole of making the next diet work and finally becoming thin. I wonder what people would be like if their idea of morality wasn’t sunk into thinness and instead, ya know, had something to do with not shaming or abusing others for a start. I wonder what unproductive and even cruel behavior some people allow themselves to get away with because they are pursuing the “ultimate” virtue of thinness or are trying to maintain the thinness they have so painstakingly achieved.
These questions bring back memories of myself. I was thin obsessed and willing to sacrificed just about anything to achieve that goal. I went from being a person who cared more about the feelings of others to a person who was unfailingly rude to the barista at Starbucks and any poor customer service worker I came across. But, that didn’t matter. Thin was what mattered. I think we all probably know someone like this… that person who is so lost in their diet schemes that their other values get put on the shelf and what is left is a very unpleasant person sacrificing too much on the altar of thinness. There are too many of these people out there, so many that it is sad and somewhat disheartening to contemplate.
Yesterday a customer thanked me for making a snarky comment in response to her “cookie as sin” talk. I mentioned something along the lines JennyRose originally said to me about real bad behavior being abusive or cruel rather than it being daring to eat a *gasp* cookie or being the fat person you were born (or dieted yourself) to be. I asked the customer if she had abused a child or shoved any little old ladies down stairs. Had she kicked a puppy? Because that sounds a lot more like “sin” to me than eating a friggin’ cookie. Seriously. Cookie sin… I can’t stop rolling my eyes at the idea. There are way bigger problems in this world than cookies and, yes, even overeating. Imagine though what a comforting (unrealistic) world those people who think fat or cookies live in. You’d need no complex answers to things like racism, poverty, sex trafficking, war and child abuse. All you need is to keep chasing that FOBT* and everything is peachy. I can understand the allure, but couldn’t live with myself for living that lie and wish I could be more compassionate with those who do, because I am sure that shaming them isn’t going to help them change anymore than shaming fat people makes them thin.
–AngryGrayRainbows
*Fantasy of being thin
It’s so insane that we apply morality to things like cookies. This post was timed just right, as I sit in a cute little coffee shop almost all the women around me are gabbing about how disgusting they are for eating and egg bagel, or drinking a latte. I wanted to cry for how much they were *NOT* enjoying their meal or drink and hating on themselves…
Right on Bearly! I feel the same way… I feel so sad for people who won’t let themselves enjoy the lovely things in life like a sunset or a good movie or a latte or a bagel! Life is full of so many hard things and to rob ourselves of such a simple pleasure is just so sad. Our appetites are as g*d made them. Might as well take a deep breath and really enjoy that bagel. I had a super buttery bagel for breakfast and it was REALLY good. Mmmm…
I own/operate my own cafe and Whoa do the bs comments get to me. I call people out and have wonderful discussions because of it. Then there was the lady ho said, “Well, I’d rather have that than the calories!” in response to my explanation for not having sugar-free syrups and I said I would prefer my customers not get brain tumors from what I serve them. Ugh! Some will never change. It’s the ones who listen and are sick of the rhetoric themselves that rock my socks!
Of course… because a dangerous and possibly deadly illness is far better than consuming an extra 100 or so calories. Oh and brain tumors are better than fat.
The sad bit is that a lot of people probably also think that kind of thing, but don’t say it.
I think it comes with the territory when you work with food. I’ve been waitresses since 2004 and the comments I have heard makes me cringe. Probably the worst I have heard has come from passing appetizers. There is always 1 person who tells me that they have starved themselves all day just for the event they are at.
Unfortunately conversations about food and the morality involved in eating certain things is a pretty normal conversation. It is one of the main reasons that I dislike spending time with my extended family, because the ritual is to eat and talk about how bad it is at the same time.
PS I have made those cupcakes in the photo you posted and they are AWESOME! I made mini ones, which I love the best.
I want the recipe too!!
I used to be one of those people who starved all day to justify a proper dinner out at night… sigh… I feel really sad for people who do that. I don’t know how well I’d deal with hearing that day in and day out as it pushes some personal buttons for me. But, knowing me, I’d probably try to say in a calm and kind voice “well, that really doesn’t sound healthy. take better care of yourself, k?” Do you ever respond to the people who say such things?
The recipe is pretty simple, the photo you posted is from this website.
http://kellyscupcakery.blogspot.com/2009/03/triple-rainbow-cupcakes.html
Unfortunately if I were to respond I might lose my job so I don’t most of the time but it depends on the person. I work at a private golf club now, so I normally just wander away and then watch that person in fear for the night. I should mention that if people ask my opinion I give it, but its a strange dynamic where I work and I have to turn off my feminist mind almost everyday otherwise I would short circuit.
I think the one thing that helps me get through it is that I love observing people. So everyone is like a science experiment to me. The lady that orders salad dressing on the side, and puts more on it than if it were tossed always makes me laugh.
It does tend to get on my nerves in some cases the things people say, but it is part of the industry. The only time I ever told someone off, this was my old job, was to a guy that was trying to imply that I couldn’t split an 8 top based on the person (which I always do, hell I could do a 30 top). I asked if they wanted separate checks and the guy started asking me if I could do it, and asked if I had a college degree. When I said no, he asked if I was in college, which again I said no as I was taking some time off. He then proceeded to imply that it might be a little hard for me, I should add that it was a table of business men. I think I was 23, they were all probably in their 40’s.
I walked away and mentioned to my boss what happened and he told me to say something to him about it. I just walked back and said, “I would suggest that the next time that you imply that a person is somehow unintelligent based whether or not they are in college or have a degree, that you keep it to yourself. I hope you all had a great time, and if you come back don’t bring him.” I smiled pointed at the jerk and walked away.
You rock, Fat Waitress! I am impressed that you had the courage to face that guy after he treated you like that. I bet that felt really good. Did it? 😀
It works similarly in the opposite direction, where you’re some sort of saint if you refuse the cookie or turn down the buttered raisin bagel. People just admire that so much, as if it’s the most enviable thing you’ve achieved.
What you said reminds me of why there are so few women who are fun to eat with. Yes, men have their caloric anxieties too, but not to the extent that women do.
It must be a real downer trying to enjoy a snack in a coffee shop and hearing all the cacophony of self-hate around you. Would you be subject to such talk in a bar or crack den, where the consequences of indulgence are more pronounced?
In my experience with bars, I never heard that kind of thing there… which is interesting. However, there is also no moral panic about alcohol.
I’m glad you push back against that sort of self-hating food-as-sin nonesense. I’d love to enter such an atmosphere for baked goods! 😀
I love how you respond to those who attach morality to every single calorie they consume! Can I come to your place? 🙂
There is a sort of “gourmet” donut place near me that has some of the most amazing donuts. Red Velvet, Chocolate Mousse, Maple Bacon bars, and my favorite, Bananas Foster Fritters (to die for!). Every time I have been in there, the service is wonderful, but I always get that “look” from other patrons because I’m a rad fatty rocking her rolls with a smile on her face most of the time. (ha!) But I can’t escape that up and down stare from customers leaving or entering. It’s almost as if they have a thought bubble above their heads that says “She doesn’t need another donut!”. I visit the place the day they make the fritters I like, which is once a week, and enjoy that treat so much! Why should I deny myself that because others think I’m too fat as it is? I mean, really…..why?
Please, come on over! My cafe could definitely use some more body positive customers. I get tired of carrying that load (mostly) by myself.
I have to say, I really do appreciate it when a fat person (especially a fat woman, but men too) comes in and has no bones at all about buying whatever it is that they want without any shamed body language or language language. Well, I appreciate people of all sizes who exhibit body acceptance actually, but I know in the cafe setting that fat folks can feel a lot more pressure to conform to diet obsession.
@ Mylberry – so true. I have visited many a den of iniquity and always felt welcome.
@fat waitress – there is a recipe? Where can I find it?
Here is the link,
http://kellyscupcakery.blogspot.com/2009/03/triple-rainbow-cupcakes.html
Personally I would buy a white cake mix, and make the frosting, that way it doesn’t take as long. You have to look around her site for the whole recipe but it is on there.
I wonder what people would be capable of achieving if they put their energy into goals that were actually achievable rather than the infinite black-hole of making the next diet work and finally becoming thin
I can’t help feeling this is why we take on these kinds of things, to limit ourselves. We are far more fearful of freedom than we acknowledge or even know.
Yup, Wriggles – I think you hit the nail on the head. We’re afraid of our own power and of certain levels of freedom – even just freedom from diets (as a society). I like to imagine that the FA/BA acceptance movement is really a movement that is working to help society become more emotionally mature and put away some of our folk devil crutches.
You who work in eateries – are there any of you on the east coast? Like say, New York? I’d love to drop by and have a bite.
By the way, there could be another reason for starving all day in anticipation of a good dinner – some people just have smaller stomach capacity and want to save room for better quality food. I gather, though, that the people you refer to want to make it clear that they’re being especially angelic by not having given in to their wicked appetites, and therefore have earned a meal. Or some such rationale.
The cafe where I work is in the Chicago suburbs.
You make a good point about there being very reasons for “saving room”… tho, personally, I have never heard it said in a tone that didn’t seem to say that they were saving up so they could be “angelic” from a food point of view. Diet talk is just so rampant… like word cockroaches. However, I do know what you mean. Actually, I do what you described sometimes… especially when I know I’m going to my fav italian restaurant that has the most exquisite stuff mushroom appetizer. I will try to eat a little less just so I can have room for the lovely dinner I expect… not to try to restrict calories or fat or anything like that, but merely so that I will have room to eat foods that I really love. And now I’m craving stuffed mushrooms… sigh. I’ve really got to learn to make those for myself.
My problem isn’t at work, but at the university I go to. At times I’ve had fellow students saying to me when I’m trying to enjoy lunch “OMG you’re going to eat that?! Don’t you know how much X amount of ( calories, chemicals, etc) that has in it!? You shouldn’t eat that!”
Once all I could only afford to bring in my lunch was a small cup of ramen noodles and an apple. This student saw what I was eating and ranted to me about along the lines about chemicals and calories, and as I was starving and cranky I just flipped the bird at her. She just stood repeating “But that will make you fatter and you get cancer from that!” as I walked away from her. After a few minutes of her following me around and nagging me I tossed out my noodles and just ate the apple. For the rest of the day my stomach was growling, and I wound up being hungry enough to accept one of the free candy bars an organization on campus was giving away as I was broke so couldn’t get any more food.