After this past week of digging, I’ve come across some really interesting information. I have to say that when I first found it, I started crying. But don’t feel sorry for me…they were as much tears of relief for finding an answer as they were tears of sadness.
(This is definitely one of my longest posts so if you get through it, thank you.)
I decided to dig into the “religion” in which I was raised. (I won’t mention the religion by name but will refer to it as “dadism” since my father was the one who drilled it into my head so much.) I got on the computer and started digging around and found out that many believe dadism to be a cult. Not so much in that they follow one person but in just about every other respect.
The members of dadism are taught, and will die believing, that only they will be allowed into heaven. (Arrogance and conceit)
They believe you must be baptized to be saved. (Can you ever be good enough?)
They believe that perfection is the goal (to be like Christ) and that ANY misdeed is a sin that must be repented of RIGHT THEN (it must be repented to an elder of the church – that means elders have a very strange amount of control over you, considering they know all your “secrets”). They believe if you have repented of a sin, commit a sin and don’t confess the recent sin right then but you have a car wreck and die, you will go to hell. (You’ll never be good enough.)
The followers of dadism believe you “hang out” and socialize only with those who are like-minded to the followers of dadism…and God forbid you marry someone outside of dadism (as I did). (I’ll never be good enough.)
Dadism teaches that discipleship is first and foremost and you recruit as many as you can in your lifetime. Your entry into heaven is based on your discipleship and how many you’ve recruited. Because I doubted dadism in my late teen years, my father told me he was going to hell because he didn’t teach me well enough in the religion of dadism (and of course he told me I was going to hell for sure). (I was never good enough.)
As my parents grew older they became disillusioned with church (duh) and stopped going all together but still professed to be Christians (and associated with the church of dadism). Family showed up to both of their funerals shaking their heads and expressing sadness because they knew both of my parents were bound for hell (my whole extended family is in the church of dadism.) (All my family says I’m not good enough.)
I look back on my life and I see why I would be so f*cked up. I mean, my god, as a child I couldn’t socailize with anyone who didn’t believe as I believed. I was sent off to a summer church camp when I was 7 and was terrified to be there but I was with like-minded kids so it was supposed to be all right.
I went to church one night in my teens and witnessed an “excommunication” from our church. It was devastating. Instead of church members going to this man to offer help and resources, they kicked him out and said he wasn’t good enough to be associated with us. I couldn’t believe what I saw. (he wasn’t good enough)
For most of my young life I was taught you went to church “whenever the doors were opened.” We went every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night. We went to all the “gospel meetings” and went every night of the week for those. When my parents were shipped overseas to Germany (dad is Air Force), they found like-minded people and met on Sunday morning and night and Wednesday night in someone’s home. You didn’t miss church because you would go to hell. (no excuses, you just aren’t good enough)
We could not have musical instruments or any taped music in the church and weddings were not performed in the “church of dadism” or funerals. Only worship was to be held in the church.
I also remember in my teen years having to attend a class for young women. The young men had one too. In our young women’s class we learned how to be submissive to your husband and how his salvation is based on how you act around him. If you act submissive and “good”, it means he has taught you well. They taught us that we answer to the husband and the husband answers to the church. The church answers to God. (the way I live my life determines if my loved ones go to heaven or hell, NO PRESSURE!)
(If you are a member of the church I just described you will not want to read further.)
Looking back at what I typed, I’m in awe that I was involved in such a thing. But I’m also seeing how I was brainwashed and manipulated for so many years.
This brings me to the point of deprogramming. A member of cult, in order to get back to their “normal” life, almost always has to go through some sort of deprogramming. From what I’ve read, the most commonly used technique in deprogramming is to overwhelm the subject with REALITY and to gently point out the untruths of the cult. But mostly, the subject needs to be immersed with positive feedback and repetively told what is real.
Well, I’ve seen a lot of the untruths over the years but I’ve never truly tried to deprogram myself. I’ve been to counselor after counselor after counselor in my 46 years only to come out feeling the same as I went in. What have I learned from all this last week is that I need to actively re-route my thinking and not just expect it to change on it’s own.
An example of this for me has been the fact that I’m more accepting of myself now than I’ve ever been and that’s been mostly in part from books I’ve read and the fatosphere. I find that if I go some time without re-reading one of my intuitive eating or HAES books or I don’t come to the fatosphere that I drift back into self-loathing.
I was brainwashed from birth that I would never be good enough for anyone or anything. I believe my father was so entrenched in dadism that he didn’t know any way but to raise me that way (he was raised that way as well). Looking back, I realize he and my mother never felt good enough either but it was all they knew so they raised me to believe it too.
I believe “dadism” is the root and core of my dysfunction. I believe it goes so deeply that it may take me a really long time to release myself from it’s hold. My goal for now is to do some more research and find more information that will help me to logically release myself from this “religion”. As I do this I am going to keep books near my bed that I enjoy about self-acceptance and I’ll keep coming here to reassure myself that I am worthy of all life has to offer.
Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Dadism has been the source of my insanity and it’s as if I cannot release myself from it (it is so deeply ingrained into my soul) but I’m determined to do it. I’ve tried to release myself from this for about 25 years and it’s been part of me so long. Can you tell I’m scared? Why does this thing have such a strong hold on me? I feel like I’ve just rambled and this is incoherent. I have so much work to do on this.
Read Full Post »