Finding Me

I’m thinking about putting an ad in the local paper asking for help in finding me.

LOST:  One fun-loving, robust, smiling female.  Blonde hair, hazel eyes and a sense of humor to die for.  She’s  intelligent and witty and empowered.  Her typing skills are fair, she’s a great organizer and a good listener.  She loves music and dancing, playing spades and having a good time.  If you’ve seen her, please contact sassyblonde and let her know where she is and what she’s doing.

Found:  I’ve seen her.  She’s wondering around lost as a goose.  She’s lost her voice, her sense of self and her independence.  She’s codependent as hell on her hubby.  She feels powerless and helpless.  She feels out of control and like the decisions she makes are invalid and wrong.  She avoids friendships, socializing or gatherings of any kind…she’s isolating.  She doesn’t trust her own feelings anymore and she’s tired of feeling alone.  She’s just about shut down all together.

I honestly can’t remember a time when I was independent and trusted myself to make any decisions.  My childhood was one of strict religious rules, a domineering and raging father and a mother who abandoned me emotionally at a very young age.

I have lost the ability to trust my own intuition about my decisions, my body, my spirituality, etc…

From a very young age I was guided and guarded very closely.  When it came time for me to leave the nest and strike out on my own, I wasn’t allowed to.  Guilt and shame were used to keep me on a tight leash and although I lived out on my own I was at “home” constantly.  My father became gravely ill when I was 18 years old and he remained ill until the day he died (about 20 years later).  Even though he was ill and I was no longer living at home, he knew how to guilt me into staying under his thumb of control.

When I got married, I, of course, married a man very similar to my father.  Although my husband saw the controlling nature and domineering behavior in my father, he doesn’t see that he is the same way.  He may not see it because I don’t tell him often enough that he is controlling everything.

It’s time for me to find me!  It’s time for me to find the fun-loving, socializing person that I am inside and live life!  It’s going to be a process for me but I know it will be well worth it. 

I’m going to start with my eating.  I’m going to tell my husband that he is responsible for his recovery and I’m responsible for mine.  I started having my eating controlled at the age of seven when my mom took me to my first WW meeting and I’ve had someone or something (the latest diet fad, book, etc…) controlling my eating ever since.  It’s time I trust my own intuition about my eating.

This is scary as hell.  It seems to me that I’m at 280 pounds and hate myself because I didn’t have enough willpower, enough control or whatever – when  in actuality, I hate myself because I trusted other people or things and didn’t trust ME.  Putting trust in me is going to be a huge challenge. 

Baby steps, right?  This step will hopefully be the first of many in finding me again.  Wish me luck!

~sas

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Thankful



I’m one of only a few who showed up to work today.  I’m sitting at my desk listening to Christmas music and just tying up some odds and ends that are hard to tend to when there are people are coming in and out all the time.

I read through some other blogs a few minutes ago and many of them are concentrating on the positives and the things to be thankful for this time of the year so I thought I would follow suit.

It seems we all experience some sort of stress during this time and I’ve had my share of it this week!  After a sad and hurtful exchange with my hubby, it’s been decided that I will stay home with the dog while he drives 7 hours to our yearly family reunion.  Don’t get me wrong, staying home does not sadden me in the least but the conversation we had about it is what was so hurtful.

So I’m turning this around and finding the positives.

• Staying home with the dog will allow me to decorate the house at my own pace and the way I want
• I’m thankful for my house and the space I have to decorate
• I love my dog and at this point, I’d rather spend time with my dog than my husband…tee hee
• I’m thankful for my husband (most days)
• I’m very thankful for my rescued yellow labrador retriever who doesn’t know how to be stressed
• I’ll be able to make some changes around the house I’ve been wanting to do without hubby’s supervision (like changing out some mini-blinds)
• I’m thankful for my savings account that will allow me to get the money needed to buy the mini-blinds
• I can watch my chick flick Christmas movies or listen to Christmas music whenever I want
• I can eat where, when and what I want
• I can Christmas shop by myself for as long as I want (again, I’m thankful for that savings account)
• I can sleep in
• I’m thankful for the most comfortable bed I know of
• I’m planning on taking a hot jacuzzi bath
• I can lounge all day and read if that’s what I want to do
• I’ll fix a fire in my outdoor fireplace, get a glass of wine and sit on the back patio reading my book or listening to some nice calm music
• I’ll enjoy a STRESS FREE holiday!!!!

How’s that for positives and thankfulness?!?  Woo hoo, bring it on Thanksgiving!

~sas

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Open Thread

Well, it’s a slow Friday so I thought I’d open up the blog to an open thread. 

Discuss what you wish but be mindful of our rules and blogging etiquette.

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Wellness Program at work

These things are very triggering for me and it’s happening today. 

I’m so thankful this actually takes place in another building and far away from me.  The flyers have been posted all over our building for this “wellness program” for a couple of weeks.  They boast of helping you with fitness and weight loss. 

The ones I’ve been to in the past do not really care about fitness or overall health but of losing weight.  When I walk in, I feel like (and I know this isn’t always true) they see a fat person walking toward them who is desperate to lose weight because then all her problems will be solved.  It’s almost like a personal goal for some of them to lasso me to their table so they can “save” me.

Our HR person called me earlier this morning and said, “where is everyone?  You need to encourage them to come over here to the wellness program.”  I said, “I can’t make them go if they don’t want to.  I’ve had the flyers posted and they’re aware of it.”  This didn’t satisfy her so she went to my boss and told him the same thing to which he replied the same as I did.  “You can’t force someone to come over there and participate if they don’t want to.

The flyers are coming down this afternoon and this is one more wellness program I’m avoiding.  Skipping this event is how I choose to take care of myself and love myself today!

~sas

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Understanding more about me

*Edited by AGR to remove needless apology for processing feelings and post length!!  Good grief, Sassy – That is what this blog is for!!!!  *

For the past year, I have agonized over my relationship with my sister.  It’s just the two of us now.  Our grandparents and parents are all deceased leaving just me and her.   We are both married and she has two grown children…I have a dog.

My sister and I are almost 12 years apart with her being the older sibling.  My mom had two children between the two of us but both died shortly after childbirth.  My parents did not raise us to be close.  I remember next to nothing of my childhood until I was 6 or 7 years old and by that time, my sister was moving out of the house to get away from our father.  I saw very little of my sister once she moved out and that was about 40 years ago.

As I said, the last year I have really been thinking about ways to better my relationship with my sister.  The only times we’ve ever spent together were on a few holidays for only a few hours at a time or when my mom passed away for maybe a couple of days at a time.  I’ve always felt a sister-shaped emptiness in my heart though it’s been more pronounced after the loss of our parents.

I’ve made my gestures in the past year to try and get my sister to visit, to write or call.  Most of those invitations have been ignored or refused.  I’ve continued to do this up until this past weekend.

My niece, my sister’s daughter, graduated with a Masters from a fairly prestigious school this past weekend.  My husband and I were invited but I now suspect it was more for show than as a true invitation.  If you think I’ve seen my sister rarely, hearing from my niece is even more rare.

I got the invitation in the mail and almost threw it away but the more I thought about it, the more I thought I would go to the graduation.  The  graduation was 2 hours away from home so I made a reservation at a hotel and decided to make it a mini-vacation for me and hubby.  We arrived on Friday night and I emailed my niece to give her my cell phone number so she could contact me if she or my sister needed to.  I heard nothing from the family until I saw them walking up at the graduation on Saturday.  Even then, no “I’m glad you came.  I’m glad to see you.”  Nothing.

As we were leaving after the graduation my brother-in-law said he would like for us to get together later that evening so we did.  We ate dinner and then walked through downtown and enjoyed some live music.  It was a fun night but nothing earth shattering.  As a matter of fact, after spending the evening with them, I’ve decided I really don’t care for my sister as a person.  Seeing her once every four to six years may be about right for me.

Being with my sister was a very emotional experience for me and one I’m still mulling over in my head and heart. 

If you had been with us that night, you would have been able to tell that we were definitely raised by the same parents.  We both seem to put off this air of insecurity masked by legalism and judgmentalism. 

I don’t know if anyone else can see it but I can see the abuse she has suffered in her face.  I wonder if people see that in my face as well.  Something else I could see in her face…distrust.  She was closed off and very careful of her words and conversation.  I may not be very guarded of my language but I do tend to use humor to diffuse serious situations or when trust might be an issue.

From the outside, my sister looks like this to me:

• She looks old beyond her years – wrinkles, harsh complexion, thin and worn. 
• She crosses her arms a lot when she talks leading me to believe that she is being cautious about being around people. 
• She looks away from me when I’m talking to her as if she might have a secret or she may have something she would like to tell me but decides not to. 
• She smokes like a freaking freight train, one right after the other. 
• She drinks to get drunk and to numb the pain within. 
• Her daughter doesn’t respect her the way she should and her husband “sides with” the daughter whenever a chance arises.
• She is obsessed with thinness and will starve herself to wear a certain size and then tell me to not eat too so I can lose weight.

When I type all this out it seems to haunt me even more.  Part of me says I don’t want to be a part of this person’s life because she doesn’t seem to want me in hers and part of me says we are so much alike it’s unreal.  We may cope in different ways with the pain and sadness of our pasts but we have the same past.  We have something that only the two of us can relate to.

When I look at her I see me!  I don’t want to see me!  But I’m drawn to her and want a relationship with her because only she understands why I feel the way I do…why I act the way I act…why I believe the way I believe.

I want to treat her as I would want someone to treat me – with compassion, with honesty, trust and love – but she doesn’t want it.

Having said all that and gotten it out of my system I also realize that I want compassion, honesty, trust and love from my sister but she is not able to give it.  She never has been able to give it and until she gets some help, she won’t ever be able to give it – to me, to herself or to anyone else.  I’m wanting something from my sister that she is unable to provide.  My expectations from her are too much. 

A call once a year, maybe an occassional email, those may be the only things I ever get from my sister.  Maybe that’s all she can give.  It’s time to move on and work on me for me.  Dwelling on wanting a relationship with my sister is a waste of time and there are so many other wonderful things in my life that I can cultivate if I’m not devoting time to a lost cause.

I think I grew emotionally this weekend and typing all this out helped me tremendously.  The visit with my sister taught me that I have so much to be grateful for.  I am NOT my sister and although our pasts are the same in many respects, I have taken different roads than her and have sought help and support from outside sources (which I don’t believe she has). 

Although I’m no expert on self worth and self love, it was apparent to me that I am leaps and bounds ahead of her on those issues.  I don’t NEED a relationship with a person (even though she is my sister) if she is going to end up being toxic to my recovery anyway.  I feel that her compulsive/obsessive behaviors would only have me sliding backwards and I’m not prepared for that.

Who’s to say that in a few years she might see the need to have a relationship with me and if she does, I’ll be willing to try.  Until then, I am my priority and I’m just fine without her in my life.

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Undue pressure

I put so much undue pressure on myself. Pressure to be good. Pressure to be right. Pressure to be in control. Pressure to do and say all the right things. PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!

Sometimes I put myself under so much pressure I think I’m going to explode like a can of soda that’s been shaken. Once that soda can reaches it’s pressure point, it spews all kinds of crap everywhere and is uncontrollable.

I say all that to tell you that is how I have felt about posting here.

I have put myself under pressure to post just the right words to inspire and cause deep thought. I have purposefully avoided blogging because I don’t want to do anything “wrong”. I want to say the right thing. I want to be uplifting and a shining example for all. (Again with that damn religious upbringing to be perfect or be condemned to hell!)

When I thought I might blog about this, I came to the realization that that is not why AGR and I started this blog. We, in fact, started this blog to help journal our recovery processes with the hopes of helping or validating others along our path. If I only post about my successes and happy times, it seems to me I will appear “unreal”, “above everyone else” or maybe even “recovered”. I learned a lot by reading of other people’s journeys, about the mountains and valleys they encountered along the way…about the “realness” of their recovery journey, so it is my plan to now be real with you about my recovery journey into self-awareness and self-acceptance.

The healing process consists of the good and the bad. I have to remind myself that I cannot always be that shining example of emotional, physical or spiritual health but that I am a work in progress…and that’s ok. It’s more than OK! It’s phenomenal! I’d rather be a work in progress than one who believes she has no issues to talk about and is stagnant. I don’t have all the answers and that’s ok too.

I’m just letting you know before hand that my blogging may take a turn toward the more issue oriented, not so perfect world that is my life. I don’t want to appear to be something I’m not – a well adjusted person with all the answers. I’m just going to be me, warts and all.

~sas

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So much going on that my head spins

There has been so much going on with me and I’ve just been so emotionally “touchy” lately.  It’s as if I’m wearing all my emotions on the outside of my body and I feel so vulnerable. 

One of the things that has been going on with me lately has been that I caught part of public television special with Wayne Dyer and it really hit a nerve with me. The show was actually to sell his new book, “Excuses Be Gone” and I only caught the last few minutes of it. It was enough to make an impact on me. I finished watching the show and promptly ordered that particular book and read it as soon as I got it in the mail.

Now, I’ve got to backtrack and tell you some about my upbringing so you’ll understand how monumental just ordering that book was for me. You see, I was raised very strictly by two very “Christian” parents who thought Buddhism, self-awareness, ANYTHING they didn’t understand was BAD and was not to be read, believed and especially not lived! Those who know me know that I’ve struggled for YEARS, literally DECADES with my religious upbringing. I have lived every minute for God, but then I have rebelled against God and I have doubted his existence. All of this is total sacrilege to my family. Anything that has YOU, in general, as the center, is selfish and un-Godly in their eyes. This was how I was raised. My mother-in-law even told me one time that she believed chanting and meditation were evil because you were supposed to “empty your mind” and if you do that, you’re just inviting the devil to come in.

So….ordering a book by Wayne Dyer who speaks of Buddhist teachings and different teachers he’s had along the way, but who also references God a lot, was a huge step for me.

I devoured that book!!! Now I have to admit that some of the references to Buddhism and Tao and stuff like that went over my head but I’m willing to learn and research. I’m not willing to just discard that particular theory because I don’t know about it.

So that’s one of the things that’s been going on with me. I feel somewhat enlightened for having purchased the book at all and then to read it without prejudging it. It felt good to go into it with an open mind.

Another thing that’s been going on with me has been as a result of one of the chapters in that book. I can’t quote it word for word because I don’t have it with me but the chapter is regarding living in the present and letting go of the past. I don’t know why this resonated so much for me when he spoke about it but it did. I’ve tried for so long to let go of the past and I just have held on to it forever. I refused to let go of the memories of abuse, abandonment and neglect that I suffered as a child. I relived those memories daily just to validate my feelings of unworthiness and to keep me from moving forward.

I now TRY wake up every morning and feel grateful that I have another day to live and I tell myself I only have NOW. I can’t change the past and I can’t worry about tomorrow – or even an hour from now. I can’t take away the harsh words spoken, the locking in the bathroom, the neglect or hurts from the past but I can move on. I don’t have to dwell on the past any longer.

The other thing that has been weighing very heavy on my mind and emotions lately will seem like a contradiction to the above paragraphs.

My husband’s aunt has suffered a stroke and a heart attack in three weeks time. She is in the hospital now and they are doing a heart cath today. If they find blockage, which I’m sure they will, they will immediately implant a stint to help with blood flow. My mother died 6 years ago yesterday. I saw “Aunt I” on Saturday and she looked frail and pitiful like my mother did in her last days. She kept saying, “I’m tired. I’m ready to go.”

Memories of my mother dying have flooded back into my memory. I barely slept at all last night just remembering all the pain and suffering my mom endured. I want to move past this but nothing will ever help me move past watching my mother struggle to breathe and then to gasp her last breath in front of me. Nothing will ever take away the feeling I had at the time of wishing I could trade places with her…that I could die for her. I feel great sadness right now.

The last thing I’ll touch on is the fact that this is my husband’s mom’s sister that is in the hospital an hour away from us. They have come two different times for her to see her sister and have stayed 4 – 5 days both times. I know this is not the time to be bitter about them staying with us but it’s how I feel. I know this is temporary (or I think it is anyway) but there are so many dynamics associated with them staying with us. It’s just not been a pleasant time…but I guess when a family member is sick, it’s not a pleasant time is it?

I’m sorry I’ve rambled but it felt good to get it all out there. Don’t be shocked to see more posting from me in the coming days. They may not be all positive, smiley, happy posts but I’m not really all that positive, smiley or happy right now. That’s life.

Thanks for listening/reading.

~sas

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intuitive eating should come easy (?)

So when I first heard about “intuitive eating”, I thought it was a crazy concept.  Now, a couple of years into it, I’m seeing where it is the natural way to live and it’s actually how our bodies were designed to be nourished and cared for.  We as humans, with our constant desire to better things and sometimes go against nature to do it, are the ones that have screwed up the way we feel about food and weight.

Over the years I had been so terribly brainwashed about my weight and the food I ate, that I ended up living according to other people’s standards, policies and plans…whether it be a diet plan, a cleansing technique or just listening to people bad mouth me for my size, it all affected how I saw what I ate or how I felt about myself.

For me, eating intuitively is basically “going back to eating the way nature intended in the first place.”   Your body will naturally tell you when you’re hungry and when you’re full.  If you have never fallen prey to society’s judgments and the barrage of advertisements to go on a diet then you should feel very blessed. 

But for those of us who have suffered the abuse of people calling us names and making us feel “less than” just because of our size, then sometimes we have to re-learn how to live naturally and how to listen to our bodies.  AND IT’S NOT EASY!   If you’re like me, you’ve spent years living (and eating) according to everything and everyone other than myself.  I’ve kept food logs, I’ve cut out particular food groups, I’ve taken diet pills and I’ve been very close to suicide because I no longer trusted my own body, but put my faith and trust in things other than the “natural”.

I was taught not to trust my hunger signals and to starve even though I was sometimes famished.  I was taught that I was “bad” if I binged but I only binged because I was trying to cope with an emotional hardship or I was physically starving myself. 

I was really hungry today at lunch and I was craving chinese food from a local restaurant so I left work with my money in my pocket and drove to the restaurant.  I got a “to go” plate and filled it to the top with the foods I love.  I got fried rice and sesame chicken and some buttered potatoes and crab rangoon.  I even got some egg drop soup and an egg roll.

I took my plate home and set it on the table with a napkin, a fork and spoon and some soy sauce.  I dug in!  It was delish!  But I got full.  I got full and caught myself thinking, “there’s just no way I can eat all of this.”  I thought about saving the rest for another sitting but I decided I had had enough chinese food and I had quenched that desire so I threw the rest away.  This is monumental for me.  I mean I do this more and more every day but it’s still amazing to me that I can do it.  I don’t have to finish everything on my plate.  I don’t even have to keep it for later if I don’t want to.  I have the choice to do whatever I want with it.  That is eating intuitively.  I’m not living by anyone else’s instructions or models.  I’m trusting my own body to tell me what to do and it’s working.

If you haven’t experienced intuitive eating or haven’t tried it, I would whole-heartedly recommend it!

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A new spark!

I have literally been chomping at the bit to post and it seems obstacles have come at me from every direction.

First, I got terribly ill around Christmas…so much so that my doc wanted to admit me into the hospital but I talked him into letting me stay at home, take my meds and go to his office four times a day for breathing treatments.  I’m finally, after over a week of coughing, hacking and blowing my nose, coming back to some sort of routine in my life.

The obstacle that pissed me off the most though, was the fact that our internet service didn’t work at home since around Christmas and we’ve had techs to our house and tried repair calls over the phone 5 or 6 times.  My husband and I have been trying to scratch out messages from our phones but it’s nothing like having a full keyboard and monitor in front of you at your disposal.

So today I’m at a working computer with my box of kleenex and cough drops at the ready and I’m READY TO BLOG!

I know it sounds cliche’ to say at the beginning of a new year that you are inspired to begin anew but I really do feel that way.  Anyone who has known me for very long knows that I tend to take detours from recovery, normalcy, sanity, etc…from time to time.  It’s like I just have to give myself a break to begin anew (there’s that phrase again).  Well, I’ve taken my break of a few months and I’m ready to get back on that recovery road!!!

As a point of reference I’m going to give a little background which a lot of you already know but it’s what my recovery is all about so I’m going to share it with you.

I was born in a little shack, no, no, no!!! 

I was born 46 years ago.  I was raised by fanatically religious parents  to believe that I would never be good enough…good enough at or for anything.  I was raised to believe I was bound for hell and that I would never be good enough to change that…although I should try to live “perfectly” every day of my life and never sin.  (that’s a whole ‘nother blog)

Food, eating, self-loathing and self-degradation became a way of life for me very early on.  The cycle became fierce.  Eat, hate myself, eat some to comfort myself, hate myself some more, food will make it better, hate myself even more.  You know the drill.  During all these years I was going to therapy and never felt that anything was changing.  I wasn’t “getting it”.

In January 2005, I made a visit with my hubby to his therapist and that’s when his therapist informed me I had an eating disorder known as compulsive overeating (COE) and that I needed to get treatment for it or it would only get worse.  He spoke very candidly to me and told me he didn’t know of any local therapists who could help me because the ED specialists in our area focused on anorexia and bulimia.  He suggested I get help online.

I went online that night and found a community that I felt would support my recovery effort and would encourage me to get the help I needed to work through some of the issues I had with food and eating.  I stayed in that online community for three years and even though I came to see that their version of recovery and my version of recovery are different, I know in my heart I would not be as far along as I am now without the help of some of the wonderful people I met on that site.

So where am I in my recovery now?  Well, I guess I need to define for you what I believe my recovery is.  SELF ACCEPTANCE.  Plain and simple.  Am I recovered?  No, not completely.  I still have my days where the pity party comes at me with horns blowing and balloons flying that say, “poor pitiful Sas”.  But am I closer to recovery now than I was in January 2005 when that therapist told me I had COE?  Hell yeah!

The main thing that triggered me to blog about this has been my recent illness.  I went to the doctor when I first got sick on December 23.  Doctor’s visits can be such telling events in your life.  That particular visit was a real eye opener to me.

I go into the doc’s office feeling like shit and coughing my fool head off and I sit in the nurse’s area while she takes my BP and temperature.  Fine and fine.  I even commented, “yeah, I’m the healthiest fat person I know”, because I’ve never had BP issues, cholestrol, sugar issues, etc…  She weighs me and though the numbers don’t really bother me much anymore, I didn’t look at the weight.  I was escorted to my exam room and waited on my doc to come in and see what my problem was.  He prances in (ok, maybe prance is a bit too fluff because he was worn out from seeing so many patients but) and he looks at my chart.  As he’s looking at it I’m coughing loudly and deeply and my lungs are wheezing to beat the band, he looks at me and says, “I don’t know what’s caused the cough but you need to keep it up.  You’ve lost 20 pounds.”  (I guess it’s been a couple of months since I’d seen him last)

WTF?????  Excuse me??????  I said, “I know you think that’s funny but doesn’t it concern you in the least that I’ve lost 20 pounds without even trying?”  I mean I’ve been trying to eat intuitively and listen to my body but I haven’t noticed a huge change in my eating.  He gave me this long speech about how if I were already skinny or thin and had lost 20 pounds, it would concern him.  But since I could stand to lose 120 more, it doesn’t concern him.

Excuse me while I get out my handy dandy soap box a moment…

YOU MEAN BECAUSE I’M FAT ALREADY THEN WEIGHT LOSS IS NOT A HEALTH ISSUE THAT MIGHT NEED TO BE ADDRESSED MORE CLOSELY! ?!?!?  You mean because I’m fat already, I don’t get the same care and concern that a “normal” woman would get????  You mean because I weigh almost 300 pounds, a 20 pound unexplained weight loss doesn’t concern you?????  You mean to tell me that I should REMAIN ILL FOR THE SAKE OF LOSING WEIGHT???????  DO YOU KNOW WHAT A FREAKIN’ EATING DISORDER IS?????????????  You just defined it in that insane statement you just made!  Stay sick to lose weight….are you kidding me??????

Ok, soap box tucked back away under the bed for now.

I will say that in some way I was elated to know that I had lost 20 pounds in such a short amount of time but it still concerns me that there really is no reason for such a weight loss.  I even had thoughts like, “oooooh, 20 pounds!  How did I do it?  Why question it?  Just accept it!  Eat less and make it 30!!”  You know, those disordered thoughts that come with never feeling good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, perfect enough.  I even have to admit that I obsessed for a few days on the words “you lost 20 pounds”.  I know there are so many in the world who would love to hear those four words.

So where am I in recovery?  I’m where I can say I’m no longer obsessed about those 20 pounds.  If I lost them (which I still somehow doubt and think that the doc’s scale was screwed up) then that’s great.  It doesn’t change who I am, where I am, who I’m with or anything else for that matter.  My recovery tells me that I’m fine just the way I am right now, at this moment in time.  Change is good and if I want to change anything about me then that’s my perrogative.  However, if I were to stay the way I am for the rest of my life, the earth would not spin off it’s axis and life would continue on.

And as for my ED-ignorant physician?  Well, I won’t stop going to him but I won’t depend on him for ED sympathies either.  That’s ok.  Another thing I’ve learned about ED’s is:  “ignorance is bliss”.  My doc believes his stuff, I believe mine.  I’m strong enough in my recovery to ignore his stupidity on such issues.

Well, there it is…my first post for the new year.  I hope you guys are safe and sound and that this new year will bring you much joy and SELF ACCEPTANCE!

~sas

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Just fat or could it be something else?

The first thing I’d like to do is apologize to my co-bloggers and our readers for not being here lately.  I’ve hit a snag and it’s brought me back to a mild depression that, if I don’t get a handle on it soon, will only get worse.

My depression has been spawned by non-stop pain.  It’s that vicious cycle of self-abuse when you say to yourself, “well, if I wasn’t so fat, I wouldn’t be in this pain.”  You know, the crap that goes around in your head when you only want to beat yourself up and degrade yourself just a little more every day?  (as if the physical pain weren’t enough…let’s just top it off with a bit of self-disgust)

I’ve experienced this pain and occasional swelling for, I’m guessing, around a year and a half, maybe a little longer.  I’ve been told it’s muscle strain and to not exercise.  I’ve been told it’s a matter of needing to exercise.  I’ve been told it’s sciatica.  At one point I was told my foot was probably broken with a stress fracture.  I’ve had x-rays and taken pain pills, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, gone to the chiropractor regularly, used heating pads, ice packs, etc…

This latest bit of depression really hit on Sunday.

My husband recently got a promotion and as a gift to himself and from me, we decided to get him a spiffy new briefcase.  We got up Sunday morning and showered and had breakfast  out.  It was a rainy day but I was with my hubby and we were having a good day.  We shopped for a briefcase from 9:00 that morning until about 6:00 that evening…pretty much non-stop.  That means standing and walking all day.  We went to a huge mall and walked all through it and we went to Target, Sams Club, Office Depot and some other stores.  (I know there’s a whole other post in here about how I should’ve known better than to try to shop all day and that I should’ve done a better job of self-care but that’s for another time.)

By 7:00 (within an hour of getting home) I was in bed in pain.  I didn’t go to work Monday or Tuesday.  I stayed in bed both days.  As the physical pain eased up, the emotional pain didn’t budge. 

I had done some research on the internet last week and I found out that a lot of what I’m experiencing (almost every symptom) is exactly what fibromyalgia looks like.  There is no known cure and the cause is unknown at this time.  There’s really not much in the way of medicine to help people with this either.  But it was still a diagnosis and it sounded right to me.  I know that self-diagnosis is not always right so I had planned to make a doctor’s appointment to see if this was a possibility.

After the Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I had this week, I called my general physician and made an appointment for 3:00 yesterday.  Before I went, I typed up a list of the symptoms I was experiencing so he would be able to read it and so that I would remember to mention everything.  I didn’t mention believing that it was fibromyalgia because I wanted him to tell me what he thought I had based on the info I had given him.  The paper I handed him had about 20-25 symptoms on it.

Now this doctor has come a long way in fat acceptance since I started seeing him in the 90′s.  He’s seen me go through my depressions and has seen how I handle myself when it comes to self acceptance.  I guess I was so beat down by this doctor’s appointment that I couldn’t even rally enough to get my point across.  And for some reason, this visit seemed to be a reversal for my doctor because he was definitely weight focused.

I was sitting on the table when he entered the room and had my paper in my hand.  I could tell he was in a good mood.  He asked me what was wrong and I proceeded to tell him about my constant pain and he saw my paper.  I handed it to him and he read the whole thing before saying, “you know what this is saying to me?  This is saying you’re way out of shape and you need to lose weight.  You need to exercise.”  (He did tell me to purchase some Mucinex D, gave me a prescription for cough medicine and a z-pack and diagnosed me with bronchitis.)

He did not even consider looking further than my size.  I am fat.  I don’t deny that.  But I wonder what he would have said to a thin woman who had walked into his office with the same list of symptoms.  Would he have been so quick to say, “you’re out of shape”?  Or would he have maybe said, “we might need to do some blood work or an MRI on you”?  Or maybe even, “does anything like this run in your family?  Arthritis?  Muscle issues?”  Would he have immediately said, “you’re out of shape” to a woman who APPEARED healthy?

Having said that, I will concede that I don’t have enough movement in my life and that exercise has always made me feel better physcially and emotionally.  I will even go so far as to say I’m not as healthy as I would like to be and my choices have not always been to the betterment of my body, but STILL!!!  Those things I can change.  But what if, just what if, I were to lose all the weight that my doctor suggests and I start a healthy workout routine and STILL HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS?  Then what?

Does that mean that I could’ve been diagnosed correctly in 2009 instead of waiting until 2011 or 2012 when (or if) I lose down to the prescribed weight and continue to exercise?!?  What if I never lose the weight?  Do I remain undiagnosed and just wonder if I’m crazy and are these pains really real?

But then what if it really is all about my weight?  What if I do lose the weight and keep up a regular exercise routine?  What if my pains do actually go away once I’m down to XXX lbs?  Does that mean I won’t ever be sick with anything again?  Does being a certain weight guarantee me to be healthy?  No.

But does appearing healthy mean I might get better treatment by my physician?  Does it mean I’ll be listened to more intently?  Does it mean I won’t be pre-judged and diagnosed based on my symptoms and not my appearance?  I say yes.  Sadly, yes.

I went home after this visit with my doc and talked to my hubby about it.  He felt so badly that the doc had talked to me like that and saw every point I made.  He even suggested I go to another doctor which I very well may.  I do want to get an MRI or something on my spine because I may actually have some disk degeneration or rupture.

One would think that after a visit like this with my doc, I would sink deeper into depression but it’s actually kind of renewed my faith in myself and my own body.

Again, I’m sorry for my absence lately.

~sas

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