Lessons From My Fat Cat

Ah, Abi… what a sweetheart.  I love her so much.

I never thought I’d adopt a fat cat.  The vetrinarians would probably call her “morbidly obese”.  Like many in the fatosphere, I am not a fan of this phrase.  It makes me think “death fat,” which is a true misuse of words, in my opinion. 

Abi is a 16lb cat in a medium cat frame and she has taught me so much.  I am so grateful to her. 

I have spent most of my with one eating disorder or another.  I’m one of those lucky souls who has had them all: anorexia, bulimia, orthoarexia and compulsive overeating.  No matter what my eating disorder has been, of course, my biggest fear was fat.  I also used to be horrified by fat people, fat animals… fat anything.  The first time I saw a cat as big as my Abi, I could’ve sworn I smelled ham.  I didn’t realize then that this was psychosomatic of my intense loathing of my body and my fear of fat.  It was that internalized.  Sad, yes?

Over the years, I was exposed to the Fat Acceptance movement and ideas like Intuitive Eating.  Slowly, I worked for change.

I started by not comparing the bodies of women, including my own.  I made a point to look at women of all sizes out in the world and try to find the beauty in them.  I have worked to see the beauty in myself and I’ve gotten pretty good at it.  (Yay, me.)

When the boyfriend and I decided we had room for another cat, I went back to the shelter where I used to volunteer and started looking at the furries.  I had it narrowed down to two sweet girl cats.  I opted for Abi, because I thought she’d be able to handle ribbing from the three boys (cats) that we already had.  Her weight wasn’t what made me feel she was sturdy.  It is her personality.  She has amazing fortitude.  She doesn’t get shaken.  If other cats swat or hiss at her, she completely ignores them and goes on with the business of enjoying life. 

As a kid, I wanted to be more like Abi.  I was a normal-weight kid (except for that year when I was 12 and had that weight gain just before puberty hit – a very normal thing), but I was constantly told I was fat by my classmates.  If I had a nickel for everyone someone called me a pig or made pig noises at me… ugh.  I allowed those bullies to control me in more ways than I’d like to admit.  Unlike Abi, I didn’t keep going about the business of enjoying my life.  I became invisible.  I was afraid to move, because it might attract attention.  I was afraid to live, because I didn’t see the point of life if I was so fat and “gross.”  I was holding out until I made it to some “acceptable” weight.

I developed an eating disorder that I still haven’t quite kicked approximately 20 years later.  I became so afraid of food and fat and eating that the rest of my life was deprived of oxygen almost entirely.  I had no stable friends.  I could barely hold a job.  I could hardly remember what day it was.  I sacrificed everything for the all-consuming goal of looking like one of those skinny, plastic women in a magazine. 

It wasn’t worth it.  Not even a little bit. 

Before I adopted Abi, I was learning to get back into life again…  I was no longer afraid of food.  I hardly ever caugh myself using eating disordered behaviors.  I could love my body even if I have a belly and thighs.  The thought of gaining weight or even becoming obese again did not scare me.  But still, I still feel something holding me back from being everything I want to be and doing what I want to do. 

And so, I admire Abi and think about how I can be more like her…

She lives her life with a freedom that I cannot remember ever knowing.  She makes sure she enjoys herself.  She plays.  She flirts for pets.  She snuggles.  She is amazing to me.  These are all things I was too ashamed to do even as a “thin” person who had starved herself into malnutrition and a gray complection.

She is a 16lb cat in a medium cat-frame.  She has acne all over her chin.  She has allergies that are pretty bad and her nose and eyes are usually running a bit.  One of her eyes is cloudy and has no lids.  In a way, she’s like an adorable little pirate.  I know that 10 years ago if I had had all the problems Abi has, I wouldn’t have treated myself even a fraction as well as Abi treats herself.  I lived in a world where looks meant everything and thinness and beauty meant virtue like nothing else could.  It has made a huge difference to me to live with a female (even if she is a cat) who is living the dream of self-love and the freedom that comes with it.  Her self-love is contagious.  And, while I thought I had come such a long way before Abi, she has brought me so far, so fast, since she’s become part of the family. 

I do know some women learning and practicing self-love online, I know few outside the the internet.  I am now realizing how much the self-hate of other women drains on me and how I need self-loving women in all facets of my life.  Abi has taught me that I need to find more women like this in the world outside my apartment.  

We owe it to ourselves, to our daughters, to our friends and to all the women around the world to live our lives – to be free – to be happy – to be in love with ourselves.  It’s a contagion that needs to spread.  No doubt.

— AngryGrayRainbows (“j”)