Abandonment

I still have days where I think about why I am where I am…what led me to this point in my life.  Now I’m not talking about why I’m the size I am.  I’m talking about why I feel the way I feel.

I have, for years, felt abandoned.  Abandonment is scary…especially when you’ve tried everything you know to keep from being abandoned.  I’ve tried being a “good girl”, living in a “Christian way”, apologizing for everything even if it wasn’t something I did wrong, trying to fit in to what was expected of me, loving people to the point of obsession and putting myself last so as to make that person feel extra special by putting them first.

I’ve been hurt doing this.  None of those actions were good for me and they didn’t result in what I was truly wanting or needing.  If anything, those actions were toxic to me and whatever good feelings I gained because of them were really just false feelings of security and nothing to be counted on as “real”.

My feelings of abandonment started when my father packed up and left.  He came back but he still left and that’s the impression that was left on my heart.  When my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, my mother never defended me.  I felt abandoned emotionally by my mother.  I was just a kid!  I felt so alone.  Now that both of my parents are dead I really feel abandoned.  I wasn’t able to say bye to my father and my mother was in so much pain at the end that that is all I really remember (although happy memories are creeping back in now).

The only “family of origin” person I have left is my sister.  We’ve never been close.  I felt like she also abandoned me when we were small.  She’s 12 years older than me and we were never taught to love each other.  By the time I was old enough to talk to her, she left.  She moved out as soon as she could.  She didn’t come see us when she moved out.  She got married and had her own life.  I was never important to her.  I speak to my sister about 4 times a year. 

I would love to have a closer relationship with my sister.  Over the years I’ve tried several times to get closer to my sister and it’s been in vain.  She just doesn’t seem to want to be close to me.  I still feel abandoned by her.  I know I’ve done all I can to mend the relationship (that I don’t think I broke off) but she is just not willing to come halfway.

It hurts.  I have, for years, felt like I was the reason we’re not close.  If that’s true then it’s because of something I’m completely unaware of.  It’s time for me to stop trying so hard to communicate to and with her.  I’ll still do the ritual calls at birthdays and holidays but I’ve tried as hard as I can for over forty years and I’m tired. 

I’m going to spend more time cultivating the relationships I have that I have the option to grow and stop wasting time on that relationship that seems to want to stay stagnant.

~sas