Tolerance of Ignorance

*Head desk*

I will start by saying that is not one of my cats.  It just shows fairy well how I feel at the moment. 

This Christmas, I am considering how much I want to tolerate ignorance…

I am at my boyfriend’s mother’s house for the holidays.  Overall, I must say it’s been pretty nice – with one fly in the ointment.  My boyfriend’s mother has said so many ignorant things about abuse survival, fat and health.  It probably wouldn’t have surprised me if this woman wasn’t very progressive in so many ways (though I know progressives have a long way to go with body acceptance still…) and was a nurse in a progressive country.  I would hope she knew better.  Besides, she’s quite overweight herself…  I’d hate to know what trouble she gives herself for that.  Sigh.

She actually called a fat cat that she saw on a web-site “just disgusting”.  And, ya know, hearing someone talk about fat as disgusting ticks me off.  She went on about how the cat must just be lazy and eat and lay around all day.  Really?  You can tell all this just from a picture?  Yeah… didn’t think so. 

She also seems somewhat invested in trying to convince me that I haven’t really been abused.  I’m going to avoid getting into the particulars, but this is annoying me, to say the least.  I didn’t bring up that topic, my boyfriend did.  When I was questioned about it, I was open and honest.  What happened to me wasn’t my fault and I have no shame over it.  And now, every chance she gets (it seems) his mother makes some jibe about me seeming too well-adjusted to have gone through anything like that.  (Nevermind eight years of trauma therapy.)  While, this may be some a compliment in some way, I find it invalidating and annoying.  It’s the same game my mother plays – constantly niggle to try to get me to admit it wasn’t “really all that bad”. 

Right.  The beatings and the manipulations and the mind games and the hours of screaming and the shaming me whenever we had house-guests and telling me that I didn’t see what I saw in order to convince me that I “wasn’t so smart” for 18 yrs was… what?  Pleasant?  Not horribly crazy-making to the point that I had lost touch with reality to a very large extent for many years?  *head desk*

I wonder if some women of a certain generation just have this knee-jerk reaction of invalidating the experiences of others…?

And, last, but not least… I am not particularly happy about how she judges my boyfriend.  Some of his perfectionism is now starting to make more sense to me, given how judgemental his mother is.  I am going to take some deep breaths tonight and think about ways to deal with her negativity without jumping into defend my boyfriend.  All the defending is tiring me.  Maybe a pat “thank you for sharing” would be sufficient. 

All that said, it’s been a pretty good Christmas.  Other than these thorns in the side, his mother is actually pretty nice.  She appreciates the nice little things I do for her and she seems to like me, which helps.  I’m going to try to focus on the positive…

Like this something-like-two-carat-aquamarine-and-dozens-of-diamonds ring I got sparkling on my hand right now.  Maybe it’s three carats.  Not sure.  Whatever it is – it is divine.  *drool*  My boyfriend wanted me to have a very nice piece of jewelry from him.  Wow.  Mission accomplished. 

I’ve always wanted an aquamarine since my grandmother was given one as a child.  Generally, I go for very simple jewelry.  Plain siver, celtic braids, rings in the shape of leaves, etc.  However,  I was very close to my mother’s parents growing up and I’ve always wanted things that reminded me of them.  Having a big aquamarine like my grandmother did makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  It also makes me feel somehow close to someone I love(d) who died 18 years ago.  It’s more than just a ring to me.  It’s a reminder that I was loved once by a very special person… and that a very special person treasures me today. 

Well, dinner is almost ready.  I have a feeling that it’s going to be delish!  I went out of my way to make sure vegetarian friendly options would abound (as I am veggie) and I am ready to nom! 

In the meantime, I think I will take some deep breaths and try to think of how I can be respectful of my boyfriend’s mother and take care of myself at the same time….

Any advice is welcome.  🙂

–AngryGrayRainbows