Reflection

I’ve been reflecting over the past year of my life.  There have been some really great things that have happened to me (and for me) but I have to single out one amazing thing.

When I look back over 2008, I see changes in my work, family issues resolved and even some toxic friendships ended.  The best thing, however, that happened to me in 2008 was an awakening.  This awakening was about how I looked at and saw myself.  I learned from a very judgmental, self-righteous and jealous father that I would never be or look good enough the way I was.  I wouldn’t be accepted…ever.  (I started to type, “I wouldn’t be accepted unless I [fill in the blank].  But then I thought about it and there was nothing I could do to become acceptable to him.)  I wasn’t smart enough, womanly enough, thin enough, tall enough, musical enough, mechanically inclined enough, or again, “fill in the blank” enough.

2008 didn’t start out that great as far as my mindset went but the further along I got into the year, the more confident and sure of myself I became.  I’ve never been one to take a real stand on anything in my life but I saw in 2008 that it was time to take a stand on fat acceptance and MY acceptance of me.   In 2008 I came to the realization that I am just fine the way I am and I have something to say.  I’m acceptable, I’m funny, I have common sense and I can use my voice to help others learn to love themselves.  I also learned in 2008 that my father, who has been deceased for nine years, no longer has a hold on me emotionally.

My awakening in 2008 has resulted in me loving myself.

I don’t say that to seem cocky and full of myself.  I mean it in the most sincere way.   For years I have hated myself down to the bone and to love myself has been monumental to me.  I no longer disregard my own feelings.  I don’t treat myself “less than” but most of all, I don’t call myself names and beat myself up anymore.  It’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I don’t degrade myself in the form of a joke when I’m around other people.  “Look at me!  Does it look like I’ve missed a meal?”  “Do I look like I exercise?”  I was so full of pain and hurt and it seemed the only way to get through awkward situations was to make people laugh – even though it was at my own expense.

I’m a loving, generous and compassionate person.  I’m learning to be that way with me and not just with everyone else.  Reflecting back on 2008, for me, has been very rewarding.   I can only imagine the strides I will make in 2009!  The sky’s the limit! 

~sas