Never good enough?

A co-worker’s father passed away last week after a very hard fought battle with cancer.  Five years ago this April, my mother lost her battle against cancer.  You would think that after almost five years I would be over the feelings of grief for the loss of my mom but, alas, that’s not the case.  It has gotten easier over the past five years but I still have bouts with it at times like this when a friend’s father dies.

I sat here today thinking about my grief and I began wondering how I could reframe it (as my friend angrygrayrainbows has taught me to do on so many occasions) to help me cope with the feelings.  I thought back on my mom’s life, and my life with her and then I started thinking about the most important thing that’s been going on with me lately.  What is the most important thing that’s been going on?  Self-acceptance!  That’s what!

It all clicked!  An idea for a blog! 

I grew up knowing I wasn’t “good enough”.  I was raised this way by very strict “Christian” parents, it was reinforced at home all the time and my role model was my mother (not necessarily a good role model).  My mother was not a feminist and would probably have blushed at the word.  My mother was what I call a Southern Belle….an old-fashioned Southern Belle.  She was proper, soft spoken, obedient to all men and questioned nothing.  She knew what etiquette was and practiced it.  She was considered meek and mild and a lovely woman by just about anyone who knew her.  I loved my mother.

Having said all that, my mother was a very depressed and hurt person who, I’m sure, lived in emotional pain every day.  She felt it was her duty to be obedient to men and to keep silent until she was spoken to.  She very rarely spoke her opinion and usually said she didn’t even have one.  She kept silent about the abuse she suffered at the hands of my father.  She remained in a loveless marriage until the day my father died because she thought that was the right and Godly thing to do.  She took care of my father until the day she found him dead in his bedroom, even though they had not slept with each other or even acted remotely in love for several years.  She would not raise her voice to my father even as he was locking me in the bathroom or spanking me over and over.  She didn’t defend me as he was yelling horrible things at me (a pre-teen and teenager at the time) because she didn’t want to be disrespectful.

I thought about my mom’s life tonight and I thought about my recent transformation into self-acceptance and I have realized that the best way I could honor the memory of my mother is to do just exactly as I’m doing at this very moment.  The way for me to pay loving tribute to my mother now is to love myself enough to know that I have a say in everything about my life, my marriage, my home, my job, anything that has to do with me.  I can show respect to myself where my mother never felt she deserved it.  I can take care of me at all costs where my mother didn’t have enough respect for herself to do so.  I can live my life where my mother lived only for others.

I’m choosing to honor my mother by loving myself!  I believe deep down inside she would love to see me doing such a great thing…she probably would never tell me but that’s ok too.  (God I miss her!)

I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!

~sas