The Interview…

 I think this pic is a pretty good representation of what I feel right now.  Did I get the job?  My guess is probably not and I am normally pretty optimistic about such things. 

The job posting wasn’t terribly specific apparently, but the person they’re looking for in this role IS very specific.  I do not have this specific experience and the team doesn’t sound terribly enthusiastic about training someone. 

Even understanding these things, I’d still take the job.  I just have a feeling that I’d do well with it.  And, I’m disappointed, because most likely I will not get it.  I was told as much. 

So, as for the company I’m currently in, I have applied for one other job which I’m pretty ho-hum about and there’s one other job available that looks like it would be amazingly boring.  Most likely, I will take a leave of absense and see if any roles come up that I like and try applying for some other companies. 

It’s just…

For the last week, I didn’t have to be all “rah rah for not having a job!!” and trying to fight back the fear and guilt of not having one.  Everyone was pretty sure I’d get this one.  I expected it to be easy as pie.  I’m usually right about these things, but not this time.  Even if I do get the job, it is not because of my experience – it is in spite of it – which is not what I expected in the least. 

Anyway, now the fear and guilt is back .  I am again trying to prepare and even just imagine a life without a job for a while.  It is so tempting to worry about money.  The irony is, I am burned out.  I need a break.  And, my boyfriend makes more than enough money for the two of us and is totally on board with me taking a break. 

I suppose, in a way, I am trying to *find* things to worry about.  Why?  Because I know many people who would find this choice I will probably make (if I don’t get the job I want) to be very dangerous.  I can think of a million reasons people are going to tell me this is a bad idea.  I have my own reasons why this could be a very good thing, but they are reasons people don’t seem to value much in my country… like quality of life, a clean home, fresh home-cooked food, being able to focus on my bf’s and my combined financials, being able to heal the burn-out, perhaps studying and/or taking some classes.  Most people I know would find these reasons terribly naive. 

So, I am seeing quite clearly right now that this is the time I need to say – Forget what everyone else thinks!

In fact, I have been overcoming the dire predictions of others since I was a child, but when I knew I could do something, I just kept at it and eventually succeeded to the surprise of most every one.  There was this little voice deep inside that insisted that I could do it and I did… and in this case that little voice is back and I think the wisest course is to listen to that voice.

Another way to look at this is that I come from a family of pessimists.  I truly do.  Sometimes the pessimism seems so extreme that it becomes something like paranoia.  Even if I won the lottery tomorrow, I have little doubt my mother would see this as a horrible thing, because moochers would now want to borrow money from me.  Things like my being able to pay off my student loans and having some money to put into retirement wouldn’t occur to her.  Most of my family is similarly negative to my mother, though generally they aren’t so hardcore. 

So, I’m standing up right next to my inner voice again.  My self-trust is sorely being tested and I think I am up to the challenge.  It’s time to remember the things I knew before I got this interview – that materialism isn’t happiness and that my quality of life could be WAY better if I take this leap. 

Deep breaths…

–AngryGrayRainbows