I was asked a very interesting question today. Interesting because of the way I reacted to it.
Today I was emailed by a friend who asked me how I was doing. This friend has known me for a couple of years but our friendship has only been on the internet. We became each other’s support during our recovery from an eating disorder – compulsive overeating or binge eating (or both). We had basically lost touch for a few months due to circumstances changing for both of us.
Her question to me today was…”do you feel you’re recovered?”
Ok, had I been asked that question a few months ago I would’ve said no. I would’ve come up with a million reasons why I’m not recovered. I would’ve said things like, “no, I still struggle too much,” or “no, I still eat when I’m not really hungry,” or God forbid, I might’ve said, “no, I haven’t lost any weight.” My point is….I was striving to be recovered.
Things have taken on new meaning for me. I don’t really know how to explain it – and I could use some help from anyone else who might know what I’m talking about – but I don’t use the words “eating disordered” or “recovery” anymore. I just am. Is that crazy or phenomenal? I choose to call it phenomenally awesome! I don’t see myself as eating disordered and I’m no longer focused on being recovered because I simply don’t think about it anymore.
Now those in the ED community would tell me I’m not recovered and I’m delusional if I don’t think I have an ED. That’s ok. That’s probably what I would’ve said to someone like me about three years ago. Maybe I do have an ED and maybe I’m not recovered but it just simply does not matter to me anymore. There are so many other terms I can use to describe me that eating disordered and recovered or not recovered are not needed anymore.
I wouldn’t trade what I have right now, by way of acceptance, with anyone who feels “eating disordered” or “not recovered”. I would much rather have the acceptance of self, the love of life, the enjoyment of movement, the realization of intuitiveness and the open-mindedness I have now.
So, back to the question, do I feel I’m recovered? My answer is “it doesn’t matter to me”. I feel acceptable, loved, worthy and respected. Is that recovered? Then yes I’m recovered.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I totally hear you. I don’t always know how to answer those questions eithers.
On the one hand, I don’t feel NOT recovered. On the other hand, the word “recovered” has taken such a loaded, and in some cases, perfectionistic meaning in the ED community. I’m not even sure if I want that word to apply to me or if I care whether it does or doesn’t.
What I am doing is living life. Food and thoughts of food don’t overrun me. I’m not worried about my weight. I eat a balanced diet most of the time without any effort.
It’s hard to explain by typing words in a box… but, do you remember the days when you felt completely choked by the ED? That it touched everything and ran everything in your life? Can you see the difference between then and now?
My therapists (who knows EDs) would tell you that you must define recovery for yourself.
Begin a more intuitive person, I feel the freedom I’ve gained from my recovery efforts and I see the huge canyon between who I am now and who I used to be wrapped up in the disorder.
I have also known people who seem to have this detailed recovery checklist. “I cannot be recovered until all boxes are checked!!” I’ve never liked this approach and I find it unrealistic and nitpicky. We are human beings. Guess what? People eat when they’re not hungry sometimes. We all get caught up in the weight hype sometimes – but I think the important bit is how we deal with it when this happens. Do we challenge ourselves or not?
My therapist says – and I agree – that the measure of recovery (and maturity) isn’t that you never fall off your bike. It’s what you do about it when you do and how easily you get back into action again.
This idea has caused a lot of friction (I think) between myself and the more checklist oriented folks. I don’t believe I’ll ever be some kind of food saint. I don’t even want to be one. I want to live life. I want to be free. I want to accept my humanity and live a truly healthy life. I don’t really see the point in framing this with a loaded word such as Recovered that some people believe they have the only path to. However, you will sometimes catch me posting with those words, simply because I want others to understand what I mean.
I think for some people, there comes a time when the ED framing no longer fits. For me, being in the ED community when I no longer needed it just allowed the disorder (or history of disorder) to be my identity. I’m so over that. I just wanna be me. And, I get the feeling that you’re in a similar place… 🙂
Hope this helps…