I’m coming here to rant….to vent about something that happened over the weekend.
Although I was raised by a very judgmental father to be a very judgmental person, I consider myself to be quite tolerant. You may say or do something that really upsets me but I still keep my cool and am tolerant of the situation. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Case in point:
I love to entertain! I love to go all out and invite people over and mix and mingle and I’ve only begun doing this in the past three years or so (since the beginning of my recovery) and I’ve seen where I have a knack for doing this. My husband joins in and we plan for a week ahead of time even if it’s just for a couple of friends.
Well, we decided to have a Super Bowl Party this year. I wanted to invite some of the people I work with and have a good time. I invited about 10 people I work with and we bought a barbecued boston butt and cut it up for sandwiches. I assigned slaw and buns to one person and chips and dip to another. Others brought other stuff.
My husband and I bought tablecloths that were the team colors of the teams playing, we bought all the paper products and he brought a big table home from work. We took the cars out of the garage and put our big screen TV out there and hooked up the HD cable. Let’s see……what else did we do? Oh, we got a kerosene heater in case it got cold, we brought all our outdoor furniture inside and we bought three cases of beer and had little weinies in sauce, home baked cookies and baked beans. I’m here to tell ya, we went all out! We were ready for a great time.
A couple of the women I work with found out that I haven’t played a good game of cards in years so they decided we would play cards during the game. We decided on “spades” and I was looking forward to our game of spades for a week.
Ok, in the meantime, my neighbors called and said they were having a get together and they asked if we would like to come. I told them no but they were welcome to come over to ours. I knew when I said it I would regret it. I don’t know WHY I said it. I don’t know what possessed me. After I said it I realized I couldn’t uninvite them so I just lived with my poor decision. I kept telling myself everything would be fine. It wasn’t!
In the past, my female neighbor has been pure bitch. She has good moments but when things are not going her way, she’s Super Bitch! If it’s just me, her, her husband and my husband we generally do all right but put other people in the mix and she gets all “better than” and “snooty”.
They came to our party and brought the other couple they had invited (which was fine) and they brought some chicken wings and sauce. At first she said she wasn’t going to drink anything because she was on sinus meds but then she started drinking beer. Within one hour she had totally disrespected my co-workers and told them they were stupid. It wasn’t in a fun way either. As one of my co-workers was explaining spades to me, she spoke up and said that this co-worker was just stupid. She had played spades for years and she had NEVER played it the way my co-worker was describing. She said to play it that way just meant you were too stupid to count. (It got worse but I don’t remember what all was said) She was totally obnoxious and rude. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with her but one of my co-workers finally just got up and left and told me she was sorry but she couldn’t stay any longer.
My neighbor ended up staying until the game was over and never acted like she had done one thing wrong.
I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t call her on her behavior at the time. My husband is urging me to not make a big deal about it and to let it go but I’m still pissed! I would love to type her an email (because I think I’m too mad to talk to her) and tell her, “I don’t know where you think you were but you were at MY house and you totally disrespected MY guests! You were rude and obnoxious!” but I won’t do it.
Is this tolerance to total passive behavior?
I have informed my husband that I will no longer do things with this woman. He and the woman’s husband can do anything they want but I’m not going to pretend to be a friend to someone like this.
She has done things in the past to piss me off at parties and I let it go but I can’t dismiss this anymore and instead of confront her I would honestly prefer to just cut her off all together…because even if she apologized, I don’t like her. Her personality and mine clash. She’s brash and vocal and thinks she hung the world and knows everything and I’m more meek and quiet. She’s one of those that if someone has done something, she’s done it better, ya know? No one can ever get one over on her because she’s just so danged knowledgeable (said totally sarcastically!). She’s talked down to me in the past and sometimes it’s because I’m fat and she’s a Pilates/aerobics/yoga instructor and she’ “perfectly fit”. She always tells me to eat better foods and shows me pilates exercises, etc…it’s all very annoying!
My question is, do you think I’m too passive in letting it go like it is now? My thinking is that even if I talked to her about it, she wouldn’t change and I still wouldn’t like her so what’s the point? Seems it would be a waste of time and energy for me.
My hope is that you’ll tell me to leave it alone and go on about my life and not give her the time of day. Any input?
Angry Gray Rainbows 
DH has a step-daughter-in-law like that, and we just don’t invite her over anymore (the only time she has any time for us anyway is if her 2 daughters are selling GS cookies or something for a fundraiser for school). I don’t like confrontation (too many years of it with my mother), so I don’t say anything to her. It wouldn’t change anything with her even if I did say something, so why bother beating my head against a brick wall, ya know? I would advise ignoring your neighbor because confronting her about her rude behavior isn’t going to accomplish anything and may piss her off big time. You don’t need an angry neighbor, especially if she’s the vindictive type (been there done that). Any time she asks you over or wants you to go somewhere with her, just say sorry, I have other plans (even if those plans are just sitting and watching your tv or reading a book or cleaning house). She doesn’t need to know it’s because you’re sick of her crap, after enough refusals, she may get the hint (and maybe not, but do you really care?) and leave you alone. You won’t get an apology from her if you do confront her because people like that never think they’ve done anything wrong, it’s always the other person. I would apologize to your co-workers though, even though your neighbor is the one who owes them the apology (and we know that isn’t going to happen). I would let them know that she won’t be invited to any more gatherings, though, just so that they won’t be averse to getting together with you guys again.
I’m going to respectfully disagree, but I still love you Vesta!!
Sassy, I think this is all about you here. What do you really feel like you need to do to get closure? What is the right thing for you?
Knowing you as long as I have, I know you avoid confrontation and sometimes I get the sense that you get mad at yourself about it. Maybe, it would be helpful to say what you want to say in this case. Or maybe not. It’s all up to you, my friend.
If you wanna confront this chick, what will your purpose be? Clarifying that kind of things helps me a lot. Cuz, if I want vengeance, then I know better than to act, but if I’m hoping to plan the seeds of self-awareness… that might not be such a bad thing.
I’ve also noticed that my need for closure ebbs as I BELIEVE MYSELF. Maybe you don’t have that problem in this case. Just throwing it out there. But, I wonder if some part of you is still trying to convince some other part of you that this woman REALLY IS THAT BIG OF A JERK. Does that resonate? When you bring up the topic of how this woman is with yourself, do you believe yourself?
I have a hard time believing it when people do something really nuts…. because it’s really nuts and my first reaction is, “this cannot be happening.” That first reaction seems pretty harmless at first, but it turns into mega-invalidation in my head, because if something cannot be happening… then I must’ve made it up, because I’m a lying drama queen or crazy or something… and then I start doubting myself and my experiences. It’s no fun at all.
Yes, I am a rambler. I hope somewhere in my ramble, something helps. You know I’m rooting for you whatever you do.
Oh yeah… and one more thing… if you never want to give her the time of day again – go for it. I know you’ve had experiences letting go of toxic people. Remember all the good things that brought to your life? 😉
Thank you Vesta. I feel so validated by you saying that. We think a lot alike.
I did apologize profusely to my co-workers. I was so embarrassed by my neighbors behavior and yes, you’re right. My neighbor should be the one to apologize but I don’t see her ever seeing that she did anything wrong. (just as you said)
My co-worker made it clear to me that she understood that I was being a good hostess by not saying anything to her with other people here. She chose to leave to make it easier on her and me. I thanked her for it. She told me before she left that she didn’t want to disrespect me and my husband by putting my neighbor in her place and she thought it would be best that she leave. She’s the true friend in this equation.
Thank you for the support Vesta, I really do appreciate it.
Hahahaha. AGR, loved your response.
I do think some of this is about what my motivation would be to confront her. I tend to confront people when I’m mad and my motivation is to hurt them…not to bring self-awareness (for them or me). I also am afraid that if I confronted her right now it would just be out of spite and nothing good would come from it. I may mull it over and, after I’ve cooled off, I may talk to her.
And yes, I do remember what ridding my life of toxic people has done for me in the past. Thank you for that brilliant reminder.
If you talk to her what are you hoping to gain? She doesn’t sound like the sort of person who would be open to feedback so your motivation will be for you. Venting? Closure? Perhaps. The thing that strikes me is this has obviously struck you deeply. There’s nothing wrong with that btw, it is just that when I notice something affects me in this way I realise that I have to look for more. Yes, she behaved poorly but you have taken this on as your issue to the extent you are seeking external validation for your response.
So, could there be more to it? I notice you refer to her as a “perfectly fit yoga instructor” type. You also say she has been unkind in the past about you being fat. I wonder if part of you is rebelling more because of this history. What if she was fat? Can you replay the scenes in your head with her fat? Do you feel any differently? Just a thought.
I’ve finally made it back from the crazy place I’ve been and I wanted to answer your response Sophie.
I think the thing I’m mad about most with this whole incident is that I had told my dh from the beginning that I didn’t want to invite her over. Why didn’t I listen to my instincts. That’s what I’ve been preaching for several months now…intuition, trusting your gut, believing in yourself. And what did I do? I didn’t trust myself and did something totally against what I had initially known was the right thing to do.
I knew that the people from work that I was inviting were more down to earth grass roots people whereas my neighbor has a bit of an ego and doesn’t mind sharing it with everyone.
I see where you’re headed with the “perfectly fit instructor” comment but, to be honest, that’s just some of the smart ass comments I would like to say about her. I think I’ve tried very hard to be friends with this woman because my dh and I both really like her dh but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be true friends with her.
She is the daughter of a prominent judge and she, herself, is an attorney. She wants for nothing and is highly arrogant. She simply knows everything about everything. If you’ve done something, she’s done it better and more often. If you’re a good seamstress, she’s a “master seamstress”. If you’re trying to eat more natural things, she’s been eating trees and grass for years. You see my point…it’s just very annoying.
I’m choosing to avoid and ignore for now. You may see me blog about her again but I hope not.
If it’s any consolation, a big chunk of me learning to trust my intuition has been experiences just like what you just had… observing the intuition… ignoring it… finding out that it really was right.
This is good stuff! It means that your intuition is well honed and that is important.
Regarding your ridiculous neighbor, I have no idea how you put up with her. From what I’ve heard about her over the years, it is highly unlikely I’d ever socialize with her. Beyond the fact that she sounds like she is really obsessed with weight/thinness and “I’m thinner than you so I’m better than you” — which is ugly and triggering — she’s also just a jerk. Who needs it.