Being judgmental sucks!

If you’ve been reading along with us for a little while, you’ve no doubt realized that AGR is a wealth of knowledge and is the intellectual one of the two of us.  She does the research, she finds references and she does a great job posting about statistics, studies, etc…  I, on the other hand, am the one that still uses the internet community as a sounding board for my thoughts and emotions.  I don’t imagine I’ll ever change because I’m just not the “numbers” type.  I think AGR and I compliment each other in the best way possible and I hope you agree.

I’m here once again to pour my heart out and share with you what I’ve experienced today.  It seems that every day I have a new awakening or revelation.  I was thinking today about how blessed I feel to be where I am at this moment in time.  I’m in a really neat place of contentment…not complacency but contentment.  I was thinking about how free it feels to be able to eat and not record every bite…or how freeing it feels to know I don’t have to exercise unless I want to…or independent I feel knowing I don’t have to live up to someone else’s expectations and standards – be it my father, the WW group, OA people or anyone else. 

So, of course this sparked some father-thinking.  Which then sparked mother-thinking.  Which in turn sparked grandparents-thinking.  Which then led to church-thinking.

In a nutshell, my family was raised in a very strict religion…one that believed no one but those in that religion were going to Heaven…all others were bound for hell.  This religion goes so far back in my family that they know of no other.  My great grandparents probably raised my grandparents to be this way and I know my grandparents raised my parents to be this way.  Anyone straying from this religion was then deemed and black sheep.  (my sister being a prime example) 

In thinking about my upbringing I always remember how judgmental my father was.  It wasn’t just him though, it was the entire religion.  I was not taught there were other religions, other beliefs or even other personalities.   I was taught who and what was acceptable and everything else was not to be allowed in my life.  Do you know what happens when you are so judgmental of all other people?  It not only affects who you hang out with and what you think about your teachers, people on the street, your own family…it turns you into being a judgmental person about yourself.

Profound huh?  Ok, if that got you, how about this?

I was constantly told from a very young age that I was going to hell, that I was a disappointment and that I was fat.  I knew I was being judged on a daily basis by my father so I believe I learned to be judgmental of myself long before I was ever judgmental of other people.  I know exactly how to be judgmental of others because I was the harshest with myself.

Sow which is it?  I was judgmental of myself which caused me to be judgmental of others….OR….I was taught to be judgmental of others and that led me to be judgmental of myself.

The reason I bring this up is because I was on my way home today and I was thinking about work and some of the people I work with and I realized that today I wasn’t so caught up in judging them.   I was more accepting of them and not complaining and griping about the things they do.  I wasn’t feeling “better than” them or thinking about how stupid they are.  I wasn’t on my pedestal looking down at them and judging them.  I was on eye level with them, not seeing them as better than or less than me.  Then it hit me!  It’s because I’m more accepting of myself!  To be more accepting of myself has opened up so many new avenues for me to explore.  I don’t have these unrealistic expectations on myself anymore and that frees up that mind space to allow others to just be.

I  know it probably sounds like I’m rambling and I apologize if this doesn’t make sense.  It’s just such a freeing feeling to know that I don’t have to live up to anything in particular.  In the same light, it’s great to know that I can just be and not expect stuff from others.  It’s such a let down when someone doesn’t live up to your expectations.  Besides, usually they didn’t want to be put up on that pedestal, I put them there.  I put them up there, had unrealistic expectations of them, and then enjoyed it when they couldn’t live up to them.  I planned for people in my life to fail!  (just as my father did to me)  I set unrealistic expectations on people in my life and when they failed I could count them as unworthy(as my father did).  I didn’t know any other way. 

I’m an adult now (quite an adult) and although some of this is really new to me, I can only see my life getting better everyday with the new revelations I experience.  This journey has been so rewarding for me.  I can’t thank our fellow size acceptance bloggers enough for helping me to see that there are others out there like me who want desperately to live and to enjoy life.

See, I told you I don’t do numbers! 

~sas