Wait! I’m Not A Robot?!? Woah…

My brain (some part of it anyway) wants to tell me all sorts of self-hating things today, so I’m here… writing it out and getting my head straight. 

The picture… that’s for me.  😉  A gift for myself, cuz it makes me smile and I could use a self-loving gesture right now. 

I had my last day at work last week (though I resigned months ago), so I had all these big plans of how I’d use my time off.  I was going to be productive, darn it!  I was going to get this apartment clean.  I was going to look into classes and maybe a new career.  I was going to walk the cats  more often than I normally do! 

As usual, when I have left a very stressful (and dysfunctional) situation, I have crashed.  Crashity crash crash crash…  Boom!

I knew this would most likely happen (cuz it always does), but I was really hoping it wouldn’t.  Not that I mind crashing in and of itself.  I don’t.  It’s the misplaced guilt for not having a job that is pressuring me at this point.  Apparently, if I don’t have a job, I’m not allowed to get sick or injured or anything.  I’m definitely not allowed to crash.  I feel like I should be “making up” for not having a job by becoming some domestic goddess.  Well, this domestic goddess can’t chew and can hardly swallow.  The only thing I’ve found that makes a significant difference in the TMJD is sleeping.  I think if I let myself sack-out for a few days, my jaw would be able to heal.  That’s not a hard thing for me to accomplish.  All I have to do is take a lot less ritalin than is prescribed for me and I can sleep 16 hours a day with a big smile on my face.  Without the ritalin, sleep becomes one of the biggest lights of my life. 

But, there’s still the guilt.  I have been a couch lump all week (and most of last weekend), but with good reason.  Right now I’m trying to remind myself that there are valid reasons.  I didn’t make this up.  I’m not trying ot manipulate my way out of doing the things I had planned.  I’ve seen many people crash just like I do after finally escaping a painful situation.  This isn’t something I just imagined.  In other words, IT IS TIME TO BELIEVE MYSELF.  Self, I believe you.  I’m sorry if I doubted you.  It’s an old habit, but I’m learning to do better.  I’m only human and all that… I will take this as a learning opportunity. 

I am grateful for my boyfriend.  Never for a second has he treated me like I was crazy, lazy, delusional or lying.  I expected the rough treatment, though.  It’s all I’m used to.  I can think of several family or romantic relationships that I had in the past (and walked away from and never looked back), where the other person would’ve been jealous that I didn’t have a job… and therfore would’ve given me a hell of a time for not working extra-hard at home from the get-go.  Instead, my boyfriend did the huge mountain of dirty dishes we had colonizing the kitchen… something no one else I can think of ever would’ve done for me when I am not working (by choice not working even!) and being a lump on the couch… in the bed… whatever spot is lump friendly, really. 

I’m writing to remind myself that I’m safe here.  No one in my life right now is abusing me for crashing.  If someone dared try it, they’d be out of my faster than you can say “insensitive moron.”  Letting myself sleep is a GOOD thing.  It helps me heal.  It will get me back on my feet faster, so that I can get back to the business of living life soon. 

Would everyone in my family agree that I’m doing the right and/or safe thing?  Nope.  But, as I often point out, my family is full of self-loathing people, many of whom have untreated mental illnesses and really don’t think all that straight.  For example, if my mother or step-father or bio-father were to disagree with me… that would probably be a GOOD sign…. not a sign that I am sure to fail.  I want people who don’t believe in self-care to disagree with my stances on self-care… otherwise, my stance would not be pro-self-care!   Ah, the things I must remind myself… 

When I woke up this morning, my jaw was normal.  Tender, but normal.  I have only eaten soft-food since then and only in small bites.  I am already back to not being able to chew again.  My face hurts.  The jaw stress is giving me a migraine.  I can only bring my four front teeth (two top and two bottom) together.  The rest cannot bite down at all… not only due to pain, but because it is simply impossible.  My jaw just won’t go there.  I’ve never had or even heard of TMJD before, so this is feels somewhat alarming… especially given how hard I worked to make it okay for me to eat and I hate it when eating becomes a problem for real, physical reasons.

My mother is insane in many ways, but one wise thing she taught me was how to enjoy being sick… to see it as an opportunity to relax, sleep more, read easy books and catch up on movies.  Right now, I’m going to imagine what feeling sick is like without all the fear and guilt and then aim for living that until I have a workable jaw again.  I can frame my difficulty in speaking or making facial expressions as something of a meditative experience.  😉  I’m off to bed now. 

Update———————–

Yay sleep!  I woke up again with my jaw aligned and with no pain.  I’ve been up for three hours and I think I’m starting to learn how to not set my jaw off, cuz my teeth are all still useable.  Whoooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

–AngryGrayRainbows