Do you ever forget sometimes that you like some of your favorite things? I do. Sometimes I will go out of my way to do something nice for myself and I’m so caught up in a state of mind that happiness can never be NOW that I don’t appreciate it at all. RoundShape got me thinking about this with that brilliant post about happiness.
For example…
I love to go for walks in my neighborhood. There are lots of houses, gardens, trees, birds and squirrels – some of my favorite things. But, I find myself just trying to get the walk over with, so I can move on to the next thing… whatever that is. All I know is that happiness is in the future, so I better hurry up and get there. The thing is, if happiness is always in the future no matter how fast I get happiness will still be in the future, cuz I will always be right here right NOW… in the present. Even if I could get in a time machine and jump hours/days/weeks/months ahead, as soon as I got to that future time, it would become the now and I still wouldn’t be happy. (Yeah, I know this perspective can be confusing at first. Bear with me. 😉 )
Some days it seems I keep accelerating until I’m going so fast that I can hardly think or breathe… just trying to get to that place where happiness is. Ironically, happiness is only right here and right now. It seems the more I hurry to find happiness, the less happiness I find.
I find that the words (as I’ve posted about so many times 😉 ) I say to myself (even if I only say them in my mind) are critically important. Yesterday as I was sitting on the couch, covered in purring cats, I realized that I needed to hear myself say to me, “Hey! I like this! This is beautiful!” Am I the only one who does this?
It definitely seems to me that doing a thing that I know I’ve enjoyed consistently in the past is enough. I actually need to remind myself that I like this thing and to remind myself to relax and have fun.
If I go into a fun-venture with the same old depressed thoughts that are too often in my head, the whole experience rings hollow. Maybe it’s a depression thing…
I find that the tapes in my head are often droning on with things like:
– “Is it over yet?”
– “When are things actually going to be interesting?”
-“I’m bored.”
-“This sucks.”
– “Life is painful.”
If I let these tapes just run without challenging them, they seem to color my every experience – even the experience of my very favorite things in life. Sadly, I can honestly say that sometimes I go days without enjoying hardly a thing, because I forget how crucially important it is to remind myself that I ENJOY the things that I ENJOY. Heh. But, it’s always a lovely relief when I remember how to break free again.
If happiness is not here and right now, it is never within reach – no matter how close it seems… if you could just run a littler faster and a little harder!
To take this thought a little farther, if you cannot be happy with what IS right now, it will be nearly impossibly (if not fully impossible) to be happy when things are different. Real SUSTAINABLE (not the rush of the moment… like a shopping high) happiness is only here and now – whether you are fat, thin, short, tall, etc.
I remember spending years very thin (for me… which was right smack dab in the middle of what doc’s charts say is my ‘healthy range’) and wondering why I wasn’t happy. I was finally thin. Wasn’t I supposed to be happy? I was dating men who were conventionally hot and they didn’t make me happier. When I got to the point where I was dating seven at once and couldn’t keep their names straight, you’d think I would’ve realized that being “thin” in order to “catch men” wasn’t going to make me happy. But, nah. I didn’t. It took me years to stop beating that dead horse.
How many years did I waste not wearing comfy tank-tops in the summer, because I was ashamed of the fat on my arms? How many years did I not swim (one of my fav things EVER) because I was too ashamed of my body to get into a bathing suit? How many things did I force myself to miss out on, because “fat” doesn’t deserve to enjoy anything?
It is hard to find the words to describe how FREEING it is to let go of this thinking. For so many years, I didn’t even feel like a real person. I’m starting to wonder if maybe this is because I didn’t let myself live life. I couldn’t enjoy a swim or sunshine on my bare shoulders. I couldn’t dance or have sex and actually feel like I was seriously a sexual being. How lovely to be able to do ANYTHING I want without thoughts “undeserving fatness” holding me back!
What fun things have you folks rediscovered since you’ve found self-acceptance? Or, if you’re not feeling so accepting yet, what would you just love to have the courage to do as you are right now?
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
“I realized that I needed to hear myself say to me, “Hey! I like this! This is beautiful!” Am I the only one who does this? ”
I love this suggestion and shall take it to heart to vocalize when I’m enjoying things more often. I’ve re-discovered a few things so far including swimming…
Thanks April! Let me know how it goes!
I’ve found the hardest thing is to remember is to just remind myself, but it’s becoming more automatic when I’m feeling down…
Isn’t swimming awesome. I love it how when I go underwater it feels like I’m in a whole different world where I can float around on a whim. I wish I could breathe water!!
I love swimming, too.
I know what you mean about rushing so fast to the next thing that I don’t appreciate what is making me happy in the moment.
Today I ate an amazing orange. It was a big orange, an organic one, one of three we bought at the store (me to little one: “how many oranges should we buy?” Little one: “Three.” Me: “Okay.” — this little exchange made me happy.)
I was really enjoying it. It was super sweet, super cold, and super orange-y. I walked around sharing slices with my co-workers. I didn’t think I really liked citrus fruits that much until I moved away from California and now I really love them. Because there’s not many other fruit as intensely flavored in the winter. Another thing I realized that I love.
This is a thought-provoking post. Thanks. And thank you for the long comment you left on my blog that I didn’t have a chance to respond to yet. It was awesome.