Things I Didn’t Know…

Getting my own engagement ring (no, the photo to the left isn’t my ring 😉 ), has brought up some thoughts and feelings that I didn’t know that I had…

I am pretty unmaterialistic – I have always thought I am anyway.  I adopt terminally and/or chronically ill pets.  I love to shop at Marshall’s and Target.  I buy used XBox games when possible, but nor am I afraid to buy a brand new one.  I like to stretch my money without getting insanely skin-flintish about it.  However, since me the my boyfriend started seriously talking marriage, I felt this overwhelming pressure to secure myself some big, blingy, the-more-expensive-the-better kinda ring. 

As stated in my last post, I didn’t get that kinda ring and I’m proud of sticking to what I really wanted for an engagement ring – even if it is not traditional and I know a lot of people in my family are going to give me flack for that.  I have a lovely one carat moissanite ring set in white gold that I chose for economical and ethical reasons.  I love that me and the bf both love the ring…but… I still have some engagement ring thought processing I’d like to work-out…

Where did all this worry and pressure come from about my getting some 10k engagement ring?  Why has this felt so important to me (even if I was able to not crumble to the feelings of the imporance…)?  Why have I had such fear about what other people would think about my ring? 

Normally, I could hardly care what people think of the things I choose and love.  I have long been a fan of very simple celtic rings from one of the parts of town most popular for the ease of getting piercings and tattoos.  Some people thought I was cheap or something for buying/wearing such things.  I never felt that way, though… and whatever anyone else thought just rolled off me like water off a duck’s back.  I love my celtic knot ring!  I love my tree of life necklace!  My mother has gone so far as to tell me that my taste in jewelry is utterly childish, because I like things like a giant enamel ring in the shape of a heart… or my elephant shaped silver necklace. 

Then why have I felt so pressured to get my boyfriend to buy me something like the famous six carat Bennifir engagement ring? 

I have actually felt guilt that I have such a beautiful ring, even though its cost is less than one percent of my boyfriend’s yearly salary (and, no, he’s not a millionaire or anything like it), as opposed to the recommended purchase price of an engagement ring of two to three months of the proposer’s salary.  Why guilt?  I’m not sure… so, I did some research on engagement ring marketting and what they can insinuate to folks…

From a neat blog post:

“The substantial diamond gift can be made a more widely sought symbol of personal and family success — an expression of socio-economic achievement,” N. W. Ayer said in a report. To exploit this desire for conspicuous display, the agency specifically recommended, “Promote the diamond as one material object which can reflect, in a very personal way, a man’s … success in life.” …

And… something from Slate that is actually pretty neat:

On the face of it, the engagement ring’s origins as a financial commitment should make modern brides-to-be wary. After all, virginity is no longer a prerequisite for marriage, nor do the majority of women consider marriageability their prime asset. Many women hope for a marriage in which housework, child-rearing, and breadwinning are equitably divided. The engagement ring doesn’t fit into this intellectual framework. Rather, its presence on a woman’s finger suggests that she needs to trap a man into “commitment” or be damaged if he leaves. (In most states today, if a groom abandons a bride, she is entitled to keep the ring, whereas if she leaves him, she must give it back.) Nor is it exactly “equitable” to demand that a partner shell out a sixth of a year’s salary, demonstrating that he can “provide” for you and a future family, before you agree to marry him.

I am not trying to say that advertisements drilled these things into my head all by their lonesome.  I think these things being ingrained in my head was a complex process and I think my family had something to do with it.  My parents were and are about as anti-feminist as you can get.  My mother took pride in being “owned” by my step-father, who she deemed a wealthy and prestigious man.  My step-father called me a “whore”, if I was even friends with boys and a few years ago, screamed to my mother that “that boy” (my boyfriend who is 37, thank you) would never marry me, because I lived (and still am) with him pre-marriage (a riff off “won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free”, I’m guessing) and that he could throw me out on my *ss at any second, because I wasn’t married to him.  Nevermind that I was in a good job making 70K at the time, so it wouldn’t matter if my boyfriend “threw me out”, and divorce is a reality and people can be abandoned single or otherwise. 

The first reaction I get from people often is that I’m too “young” to have had parents like that.  Well, I did.  I suppose they were more traditional (in some ways) than the average bear.

For me, it has been wonderfully cathartic to just research a bit into the history of engagement rings and the messages their marketting send out.  I’m feeling mostly (if not fully) free of the weird, pressurely thinking already.  Yay for processing!  🙂

Readers!  Have you felt this pressure as well?  How do you frame the messages insinuated from commercials like the De Beers “A Diamond is Forever” commercials?  How did you overcome the pressure? 

I will throw in a disclaimer before I post this that if you are one of those folks who have the big, blingy kind of ring – I am not judging.  There are such things as ethical diamonds and, heck, everyone deserves some treats in their life!  The important bit for me in this post was that I had the courage to follow what I really wanted (not a diamond), even if I sometimes feel like the whole world is going to judge my relationship as “less than” because of that choice. 

–AngryGrayRainbows