Tired of Being Afraid

Over the weekend, I saw “The Watchmen” and a quote has stayed with me… NightOwl said, “I’m tired of being afraid…”  While I wouldn’t recommend taking too many life lessons from this very dark and depressing movie, this one idea struck me.  I am also tired of being afraid. 

The fear that keeps me from living usually visits me in the form of PTSD.  Last week, I had a lot of bad days… days where I was afraid to leave the couch… days where I was afraid to sit in anything other than two positions on the couch.  In therapy last night, my therapist mentioned something about my fear coming on so strong that I want to be very small and invisible.  I don’t ever remember seeing my “can’t leave the couch” fear like that, but I think she hit the nail on the head.  Sometimes I’m afraid to move, because I am sure that if I do someone will rage at me and/or hit me.  My childhood was full of this stuff (and some of my adulthood too).  Sometimes the aftershocks of painful events still rumble decades later. 

I have been rolling around that quote about fear in my head since last Saturday.  Yesterday, as the week was starting, I could feel that urge to glue myself to the couch again.  I could feel the fear creeping up.  But ya know… I am SO SICK of being afraid.  I am SO SICK of having my life compromised by this fear.  Grrrr.  Focusing on my frustration of being such a skittish bunny helped me get up AND LIVE.  Ohhh.. it felt good.  Today, I was up and about again.  I got a lovely hair-cut, visited my fav pet shelter for some hours, cleaned the house a bit, made plans with friends…. and I think that’s about it… but that is enough.  🙂 

Fear can be such a powerful emotions – as well as a normal and healthy one…. and I’m sure people who don’t have a history of being abused or who don’t have PTSD sometimes feel trapped by their fears too.  Readers, have you dealt with this?  How do you cope? 

Thinking about fear and overcoming fear today reminded me of this quote I posted when I first started this blog – it is part of a speech by Desmond Tutu: 

You know the story of the farmer who in his back yard had chicken, and then he had a chicken that was a little odd looking, but he was a chicken. It behaved like a chicken. It was pecking away like other chickens. It didn’t know that there was a blue sky overhead and a glorious sunshine until someone who was knowledgeable in these things came along and said to the farmer, “Hey, that’s no chicken. That’s an eagle. “Then the farmer said, “Um, um, no, no, no, no man. That’s a chicken; it behaves like a chicken.

“And the man said no; give it to me please. And he gave it to this knowledgeable man. And this man took this strange looking chicken and climbed the mountain and waited until sunrise. And then he turned this strange looking chicken towards the sun and said, “Eagle, fly, eagle. “And the strange looking chicken shook itself, spread out its pinions, and lifted off and soared and soared and soared and flew away, away into the distance. And God says to all of us, you are no chicken; you are an eagle. Fly, eagle, fly. And God wants us to shake ourselves, spread our pinions, and then lift off and soar and rise, and rise toward the confident and the good and the beautiful. Rise towards the compassionate and the gentle and the caring. Rise to become what God intends us to be — eagles, not chickens .

–AngryGrayRainbows