About two weeks ago I pulled my back in such a way that it put me in bed taking pain pills and muscle relaxers for about 4 days. The pain was excruciating and to stand or walk was almost impossible without shooting pains going through my lower back. With the help of my chiropractor, some muscle relaxers, pain pills and a loving husband, I’m on the mend and back at work.
I just wanted to voice what I’ve been experiencing with this and see if I can get any input from any of you guys.
It seems that I really struggle with my self acceptance and fat acceptance in general when I’m in physical pain. I start doubting the acceptance I’ve worked so hard to gain over the past year or so. I start saying things like, “gees, if I wasn’t so fat I wouldn’t have hurt myself”, or, “people will look at me funny when I limp because of the pain”. “If I’d just lose weight this wouldn’t happen.”
Yep, that’s the biggy….”if I’d just lose weight…”
My heart and soul really took a beating through this past down time (my physical being was beat up from pulling my back). I struggled so bad just to keep my head above water. Emotionally I’ve been a wreck. I have called myself just about every name in the book and I’ve been so disrespectful and hateful to myself that I’ve wondered if I would ever come out of it.
Have you done this to yourself? Have you treated yourself like shit because of something that was no fault of your own?
I will also tell you that on top of the physical pain came some other factors that contributed to my self hate. I have been stressed and needing a break from work for a few months now. I experienced PMS and then a full blown heavy bleeding period during this time frame. I’ve been going through some recovery stuff with my husband. And last but not least, I’ve gone back on the birth control pill after 3 or 4 years of giving my body a break….hormones everywhere!
How have you come out of these struggles when you’ve experienced them? Have you been able to come out of them feeling better about yourself? What helped? What did you do?
Right now I’m focusing on something both my chiropractor and husband have said to me: “sas, all this could be happening to a thin person just as well. It’s not about your size.” Those statements have helped tremendously and I think something that would really help me right now is a break! A break from work, a break from this city, a break from expectations placed on me by others and by myself.
You got any other ideas or suggestions? I’m all ears!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Yes, I’ve felt this. And what usually works for me is telling myself that if I tried to lose weight then I’d only be setting myself up to gain more in the long term, so the answer is less about trying to lose weight than it is about figuring out how to live well in the body you’ve got.
Fat bodies are a challenge, and yes, we *do* need to do things differently from thinner people from time to time in order to function properly. That might mean strength training so that you can most comfortably carry your weight, for instance.
But dieting is going to defeat the purpose, because any loss significant enough to put less pressure on key areas has been shown to be, in general, nearly impossible to maintain in the long run and might in fact lead to a poorer health outcome overall. Best thing to do is to be creative — figure out how to live well in the body you’ve *got*! 🙂
Oh, my dear friend… ((((hugs))))
For me, it is important that I tell myself what I know. Sound convoluted? I will explain…
Yes, on some levels, you understand that things you want to blame yourself for are not your fault. At the same time, there are parts of you that don’t yet understand this and NEED you to tell them – “I have done nothing wrong! This is not my fault!”
Well… at least parts of my brain need me to tell myself obvious stuff like that all the time. I’m not sure if this kind of thing works for you…
If I were standing in your shoes, I’d prolly end up writing some super-long post about how my job being nuts and my back being hurt IS NOT MY FAULT to help the parts of me that don’t understand this – understand.
I believe in you, Sassy. I don’t believe you as just some gluttonous, slob who deserves her back to be all sore.
You’re experiencing things that people of all weights (like you said) experience. The real “problem” here, in my mind, is that you are human… and experiencing human problems. Where you have power is how you react to what life throws you. 🙂
Oh, I hear you.
I’m so sorry you were hurting.
Pain is just sucky.
Have I done this? Yes.
Surprisingly, I don’t do it as much or as often these days.
Still, I can completely relate. What I think helps is to realize that even if you weren’t blaming your fatness, you might be blaming something else. Just as other, not-fat people have back pain, other not-fat people who have back pain blame themselves. They blame that they haven’t been as active as they wish they were. Or that they haven’t been doing their stretching exercises. Or whatever. So, what you are feeling isn’t because you are fat, it’s because you are human.
That’s just my two cents.
So, the things you could work on when you’re feeling up to it include:
– What can I do to be nicer to myself, especially when I’m in pain. How would I treat a little kid I loved who was in pain?
– What would a not-fat person do to avoid back pain flare-ups in the future? Core exercises? Stretching? Avoiding certain things? Gentle strolling? These things would likely work for people of a variety of sizes. These are things that people can do that don’t relate to losing weight.
Every comment you made hit home with me. Diets DO defeat the purpose of self acceptance.
I love that everyone who commented led back to living in the present and living with the body I have now. I can’t fantasize about what I would do with a thin body because after years of dieting and starving, I don’t foresee ever having that. Fantasizing, in itself, is self-defeating for me.
I got a great night’s sleep last night and then me and the dog stayed in bed an extra 30 minutes so I could get my daily dose of puppy lovin’. Then I got up and made a delicious bowl of oatmeal with blueberries. Can you say delish?!?
I’m going to do some gentle house cleaning today and then hubby and I are going to invite friends to go to a hockey game with us. I’m still a bit antsy about going to the gym just yet (and my chiropractor is still telling me it’s too early to go back) but I’m going to get a couple of sessions of stretching in during the day.
Your responses have been great and so validating. I really needed that. Thank you so much!
~sas
Oh yay! I am so glad you made some time for some TLC! You so deserve it. Gentle movement also sounds good. I wish I had read this comment before I went on a cleaning tear through the apartment… the idea of gentleness would’ve been helpful. Your back isn’t the only one that is aching.
I’m going to remind you of something you already know, since you mentioned that you were antsy about the gym. 😉 Your body will be healthier and stronger if you let it heal properly before you go back to your old workouts. That gentle stretching thing sounds nice though. Enjoy it and be kind to that poor back of yours!
You are in my thoughts… and so is oatmeal and blueberries thanks to you. 😛