Party for one

I had a one person party last night. I invited no one and there were no gifts, no celebratory cake and certainly no laughter. If you’ve never been to one, you’re not missing a thing. The party I had was a pity party.

I’ve been having some struggles lately that relate to my physical pains and my job and I guess last night it all culminated into one huge pity party which sent me to bed crying. My husband had gone to work out and I was home alone with only the dog to keep me company. (Thank god for his companionship.) I had just finished posting on our blog and I just had a flood of emotion come over me that wouldn’t let up.

My husband came looking for me when he got home and was so sweet and talked me through it all. He listened to me sniffle and bawl and tried his best to help me through it. He listened to all my self-hate and then he asked me, “what is it you want?” That’s when it hit me. The trigger that drove me over the edge and was the cherry on top of my work burn out/physical pain cake.

A man came in the office the other day and he asked to speak to my boss. My boss wasn’t in at the time but I asked him if he’d like to sit and wait until he came back. He did. This fat person sat down in my office and he explained his situation to me. He wants so badly to work for us. He has taken and completed every prerequisite needed for the job EXCEPT running the mile. He’s very qualified and is ready to go to work tomorrow if we hire him. He kept saying things like: “I passed the written test…but I just couldn’t run the mile.” “I did the sit ups…I just can’t do the mile.” “I’m certified with 12 years experience…but I can’t do the mile.”

Then my boss walked in the door. I introduced my new friend to my boss and told him why he was there. My boss ended up really liking the guy and wanted to hire him on the spot – but he couldn’t run the mile. I could tell by the man’s demeanor when he left that he felt hopeless and that his dream had been crushed. I felt so badly for him. As if things couldn’t get worse, my boss called him back and told him, “if you want something bad enough, you can do it,” and then he showed this man a picture of a co-worker who lost over 100 pounds last year. MY heart dropped then.

My boss was telling this man who had had both arches removed from his feet that he was fat and if he would lose weight, he would be able to run the mile. WHO SAYS? He may never be able to run the mile regardless of his weight. And the co-worker that lost so much weight? He did that to be able to go to specialized training and he did it in a VERY unhealthy way. He restricted his eating to minimal amounts of food every day for over a year and exercised obsessively that whole time. (by the way, this co-worker has been back from his specialized training for about 6 months and has gained back almost 50 pounds)

So when my husband asked me what I wanted last night, my mind went straight to my boss saying, “you can do anything if you want it bad enough.” (I just realized that the comment made by my boss to this guy hit ME like a ton of bricks.) What? You think this guy doesn’t want the job? You think this guy wants to be looked at as “lazy”? You think this guy wants to be judged by the size of his body? Do you not see that WE could be missing out on hiring a great employee because of the stigma of weight? He doesn’t want it bad enough? Are you freakin’ kidding me?!? THE PROBLEM IS YOU! NOT HIM!

I talked that whole scenario through with my husband who listened intently and when I finished, he asked me again, “what is it you want?”

The physical pain I’ve felt with my back and leg, which I completely blamed myself for, led me to say, “I want to go to the gym with you.” Lovingly he said, “the pain you’re feeling now is temporary and you’ll be able to go with me soon.” Awwww, meltdown dissipated. I gathered up my used tissues, took a muscle relaxer and settled in for the night. I slept well, woke up with swollen eyes, went to the chiropractor and realized I was one day closer to being able to go back to the gym with my husband.

I wish with all my heart that my boss would see past the weight and size and see the man who truly wants to impact our community for the good.  I’m going to talk to my boss tomorrow and ask him to re-think his decision.  Maybe, just maybe, he’ll listen to me.