Surrendering Ones Power & Choices

That little pawn going up against an intimidating situation is how I feel a lot of the time… and so…

I realized today, in therapy, that I often feel obligated to give up my power (and choices).  For example, if I have houseguests, my usual tack is to throw away all personal preferences and desires for the house guest.  When negotiating a job offer, I often refuse to make choices (I won’t try to negotiate perks or salary, for example) and force others to do it, because I feel it is my duty to do so for some reason.  When my mother called me to tell me that my step-father may be getting open-heart surgery, I told her that I would do whatever she wanted… cuz I felt I had to. 

Granted, over the last several years, I have been working hard to honor my needs and wants and to speak-up more… but, I’m still seeing a strong-hold of giving-up power/choices in my mind and here I am writing in the hopes it will help me work my way through it.  😉 

Where did I learn such a messed up way of behaving?  Off the top of my head, I have two sources, though there may be more.  I was taught as a child (maybe from birth?) by abusive parents that my needs, concerns and desires didn’t matter.  What mattered most was what other people thought… especially the most judgemental and superficial of people.  Otherwise, I can remember so much stuff I saw on TV and movies that taught me that strong women are 110% independent and didn’t have needs.  If anything, they just took care of everyone else. 

What am I afraid will happen if I don’t surrender my power?  I’m afraid I’ll be shamed, humiliated and/or abused.  I’m afraid someone will try to TAKE my power and choices away and I am so sick of going there, so it’s easier just to pretend I never had a preference or need and just let anyone else drive my life.  I feel like giving someone else my power is a way to tell them that I trust them deeply and that they are a good person… and I am afraid that if I don’t say this in some way or another that I will be abused, punished, etc. 

The thing is, trust is something that must be earned.  Next week, I will have interviews with some giant financial corp. that has been stalking (not literally) me to work for them.  While I love being home, the potential salary is sounding too sweet to pass up… plus, I could still work from home some days a week and the commute would be way shorter than it was at my last job (yay!).  So, potentially, I will be negotiating a job offer soon… and when I envision this process in my head, I can all too easily picture myself giving away all my power to the team lead or whoever hires me…. and I refuse to make these same mistakes!  I am really glad I became aware of this a week before the next round of interviewing for this role, because I want to change this…. I WILL CHANGE THIS! 

Perfect strangers certainly do not deserve my trust.  I deserve to have myself there, aware and standing up for my interests.  I am going to negotiate for an ergonomic workstation, more work-from-home days, an at-home office allocation, salary and PTO… if the terms are not already what I require.  I am so tired of assuming that people who aren’t me are going to just naturally give me what I need.  I know from experience that even the most well-meaning people cannot meet this expectation and most people aren’t that well-meaning type that tries to read your mind and get all your needs met without a word being said. 

Heck, at my last job, I was afraid to ask questions (to an extent), because I didn’t want to imply to anyone that I questioned their judgement in training me or providing me all the information… and, for that I created many problems for myself that just didn’t have to be.  So, here I am, trying to learn from those mistakes. 

Am I the only one who was raised in a family that thought it was some kind of mortal insult if someone asked you a question?  My step-father thought I was questioning his intelligence and/or ethics, if I just asked the most simple of questions, like “why does ABCXYZ work that way?”  Maybe there is some cultural connection (I grew up in a somewhat culturally isolated area), because I had many teachers in grade-school who were the same way.  My step-father and those teachers were not above screaming in your face for asking a question.  Asking questions became a scary thing… but I’m learning that it doesn’t have to be anymore…

Today I asked myself, if I had a daughter, would I recommend that she give up her power like I do?  No way!  In fact, I would try to coach her not to do that and try to explain to her what the potential pitfalls are of doing such a thing.  Would I recommend giving up power like that to my boyfriend or to my friends?  Heck no!  In fact, I am one to catch others who are giving away their power and I often point it out and suggest acting in their own interests…  It is time I take my own advice, me thinks. 

This discovery has me feeling quite invigorated.  This giving up of power has been a problem that has haunted me my whole life and I never before had the words for what exactly I was doing to myself.  All I ever knew is that I felt compelled to do it (afraid not to do it as well) and afterwards, I regretted doing whatever it was that I did and I couldn’t figure out what I regretted or why.  It’s never fun when things are fuzzy like that… at least not to me. 

Going to this next interview next week feels like a fun challenge… and honestly, that surprises me, but it is a pleasant surprise.  I feel up to this task, I am excited about reclaiming what is mine AND I am so happy to feel on the verge of letting go of stifling, irrational fears left-over from a fairly icky childhood. 

So, friends and readers: Do you or have you ever given away your own power?  Do you know why you did it?  If you overcame it, how did you?  I’m all ears! 

–AngryGrayRainbows