IE in Action & Fear of Mistakes

A friend of mine recently told me that her therapist believes that IE is a cop-out… of course, I emailed back explaining that I have always felt that IE required more self-knowledge and more decision making than a rigid meal-plan.  The meal-plan just tells  you what to do.  With IE, you must learn to interpret your body’s signals and learn to honor them… and sometimes the learning to honor them bit is the hardest part even! 

So, today, I had an experience that to me was just perfect IE in action that might be able to explain it to people who don’t understand it so well…

Lunch was a big bowl of alphabet (with vegeables) soup.  I realized nothing was going to do but that soup for lunch.  That wasn’t the tricky part.  The tricky part for me is when I’m done with whatever the main part of my meal was and I’m still hungry.  Here is where my ninja IE skillz come into play.  😀  I realized I wanted something carby to follow-up the soup.  I realized I don’t want PB&J sandwhich (like I initially thought).  I didn’t want toast or coffee cake.  Didn’t want cereal or a granola bar.  Didn’t want fruit.  And here I am going through the contents of my kitchen in my mind to try to make a good match which what my body wants. 

I find myself standing at the kitchen counter narrowed down to two choices: carrot cake or this thick Naked brand mango juice (the stuff made with only fruit, but is still crazy thick and scrumptious!).  This is the kind of choice that would’ve driven my overly literal and rational mind crazy in years past.  Cake with a layer of cream cheese icing on top or an all fruit smoothie that touts all kinds of health benefits on the label!?!?  No contest.  I would’ve force myself to drink the juice… and prolly more juice than I even wanted or needed just to try to squeeze in more vitamins or something.  Unless… it was one of those days where I was so sick of being perfect and was feeling rebellious.  Then I would’ve eaten all the big piece of cake (way more than I can normally eat or even want right now) and probably have eaten a second just to make sure I properly gave the finger to healthy eating. 

But what about what my BODY really WANTS? 

I bring the juice and the cake to the coffee table.  It is next to me now, because I am not quite ready to start munching on one of them, but I know I will soon.  After allowing myself to ponder this equation, I realize that I want both!  I want a little bit of juice, maybe just a few mouthfuls… and I want some of the cake minus the icing.  Normally I do not skimp on icing, however, soup sometimes does a number to my tummy AND I am lactose intolerant.  Soup plus cream cheese icing could mean an afternoon and maybe even also an evening of ouchiness and general ickiness.  What I love is that my thinking around food has become subtle enough (after many years of learning this skill) that I can decide on a few mouthfuls of juice (rather than the full 16 ounce bottle) and some cake without the icing!  I’m not worried about me not getting the nutrition I need… I eat well.  I can’t help myself anymore.  I just do.  It is way too clear to me at this point that my body wants to feel good and therefore I just WILL eat a balanced diet.  Period.  I don’t know how to explain it better than that.  😉  Nor am I worried that I will become restrictive and never enjoy icing again.  Most likely that icing will be eaten for breakfast tomorrow.  I love carrot cake for breakfast… or just the icing, if no actual cake is left!  Mmmmm…. icing……

I feel safe in getting the foods I need and a good diet in my own hands and that is just priceless…. not any cop-out in my opinion.

Compare this to a rigid plan of limited calories or food groups and all the challenge and self-discovery is gone.  Cop-out?  Nah… not in my book anyway. 

My good friend (who I will call FellowCatLover for the purposes of this post and for anonymity) gave me permission to use part of an email she sent to me in our usual correspondence.  I asked her if I could post this, because it described all too well that feeling of fearing IE and fearing the response of people close to us who think IE is just permission to live on cake or binge or something…

FellowCatLover said in the email:

I am scared to trust myself on most levels in general.  I think I am afraid that if I turn these people (my [dietician] and group [therapist]) away, and I find out I am wrong, I will have no one left to turn to.  It took me a LONG time to even be allowed to join a group or afford a [dietician] (which is still hard)…it’s hard to get treatment period around here unless you are rich.  It’s hard to find anyone with a sliding scale.  Plus, I think I have some kind of weird thing with “authority figures” where I need to “obey”.  Does this make any sense to you?  I was remembering recently that I had a time a few years ago…while I was in the [an eating disorder website forum] with you and [SassyBlonde] and we were all about OO and IE and I ate what I wanted to for awhile.  There was one whole month that I didn’t binge or overeat and that I ate exactly what I wanted.  I like that month.  I like the month where I wasn’t thinking in terms of “grain, dairy, lipid, veg, fruit”.  I want to do that…but is it a total copout?  I don’t know.  I think the bingeing is VERY stress related.  I am stressed mostly all the time.  That is my ease from stress.  I have never known a better stress reliever than chocolate and cheese.  I wish I could find one that was comparable, but to be honest, I probably haven’t been trying hard enough to find another route 

FCL, thank you SO MUCH for allowing me to post this…  honestly, when I read this the first time, I got a little teary.  To have such a good experience with IE and yet to be afraid to try it because an authority figure believes IE is a cop-out?  Man… that is just heart-breaking to me… perhaps it is especially heart-breaking to me, because I’ve been there.  I’ve felt that need to obey authority figures… heck, I’ve made authority figures out of people who didn’t even deserve the title just because I didn’t want to have to think for myself.  I was afraid that if I thought for myself that I would be WRONG and that for my mistake that I would never be forgiven by the people who disagreed with me from the start.  To give some background, the approach that my friend’s therapist thinks is NOT a cop-out is one of many 12-steps approach that prescribes food planning, food counting and all that…

And, I think it is important to note that while I therapist can be seen as an authority figure – they can also be seen as someone you have HIRED…. someone you can choose to fire.  Someone you can replace with someone who has ideas that work better in your life.  I think it is important to not only understand the “authority” aspect of a therapist, but also the other aspects of your relationship.  It does not have to be a dictatorship… though, it took me years to learn that myself!

My response was:

If you had a friend who just wanted to try a new path of Recovery… she didn’t even say that YOU were wrong, but just wanted to try something, because deep-down she felt that it might turn out great… couldn’t you forgive her if she game back after it all blew up in her face?  What kind of person wouldn’t?  I know my therapist would take me back.  If they would never forgive you for simply trying out something that you feel deep down may be very good for you, are these people you really want in your life anyway?  What kind of jerks are all “hahhahahaha… you failed!  now, @$%^*!@ off!”  I am passionate about this topic, because I was afraid of the same things.  Also, the 12-step method – that is a very common one.  There are always going to be others that can get you back on track with that. 

There is certainly nothing wrong with making a mistake… or trying something new and realizing it’s not for you.  It’s not like you want to rob a bank or try crack.  You want to try a method [IE] that has worked very well for you in the past.

I think some people think they are ED’d, but aren’t necessarily.  I think some people try to shove themselves into a box where they just don’t fit… a meal plan that just doesn’t give their body what it needs.  What does this cause?  BINGING from malnourishment – not necessarily a classic eating disorder via mental illness.  I’m not saying this is the case with my friend – however, it is a point to consider.  I think that a person trying IE for a month and for that time didn’t binge or overeat… wow… that is just hugely striking.  It makes me wonder if the mental and emotional issues that may have been causing an ED have been resolved (or close to it) through the years of Recovery work I know this person has done… because a month on IE and no behaviors?!  Wow.  In my eating disordered experience, it is just not that easy to stop behaviors.  That said, I am also not a professional and these are my opinions based on my own experiences and what I’ve seen in other ED’d people. 

The good news is that FCL’s dietician is willing to try the IE route with her!  Whooo hooooo!  The therapist, however, will not and thinks IE is a cop-out, unfortunately.  The dietician is having my friend keep a food journal for some weeks on IE just to make sure that she’s not under-eating with IE.  Sounds like good stuff!

I was also told, FOR YEARS, that when I dabbled with IE and OO that I was “keeping my own counsel”… I was told this in a tone of voice as if it was the worst crime one could ever commit… as if only delusional people would listen to themselves and not base their decisions purely on what other people told them to do.  I was so afraid to be alienated from my family and from my support groups that seemed to truly think IE was something dangerous and delusional.  I am thankful today that I made the choice to go with IE anyway.  My dabbling over the years had good results – good enough results that I wasn’t going to resist going all-in.  I don’t regret it and I don’t regret cutting those people out of my life who didn’t believe in me and didn’t believe that I should even believe IN MYSELF. 

Is IE necessarily the best and only choice for FCL?  Who knows.  I certainly don’t, but I think her experience warrants her giving it a try, at least… and I sincerely hope that soon she finds whatever method works for HER recovery… be it IE or something of another flavor!

For those of you out there on the internet, who wonder if IE (or some other method) might be right for you, but you’re afraid to be criticized for it – know that you are not alone.  So many have come before you with that same challenge and many will follow you.  I hope that eventually you will find the courage to at least allow yourself to try what you feel could be right for you.

–AngryGrayRainbows