WellRoundedType2 recently posted something awesome and inspiring! So, this will be a dual purpose post… to shine a spotlight on the awesomeness… and to ramble a bit about what that awesome post got me thinking about. 🙂
Here’s the bit that inspired fireworks in my mind:
I walked in, and was by a long shot the fattest person in the room. No one else even a little bit fat there. And I had to make a decision about what my stance was going to be, what I was doing there. I somehow came to the conclusion that I was going to dedicate the night to my own path to self-acceptance. I didn’t really think of it that clearly, it was more something like:
I’m going to honor my fat tonight. This one’s going out to my fat. I’m going to dance as though I love my fat even though I’m so afraid that I look like a pathetic uncoordinated loser. I am huge-er than everyone here, so dammit, I’m going to just turn this fear I’m feeling into love.And then I had an interesting thought, followed by neurotic thoughts (that’s about a normal ratio for me, one non-neurotic thought to one or more neurotic thoughts).
The interesting thought was: “What if I thought of my fat being filled with love?”
I absolutely adore this idea… and so I’ve modified it a bit for my own use and have been meditating on it in the hopes some of this will internalize.
I do like the idea of thinking of fat filled with love and all other sorts of good things, though I have modified it, because feeling fat and bad because of it doesn’t his me so much anymore… though it does hit. I sometimes just feel filled with incompetence… I feel filled with shame… I feel like nothing I could do could ever be anywhere near right, because I’m such an ignorant slob. Great self-talk, right? *headdesk*
I haven’t felt such strong self-hate in a while… but circumstances are exacerbating old feelings that normally I can manage pretty well. Tomorrow my step-father is having open-heart surgery for three very clogged arteries and one clogged valve. My mother says he has turned white and is sleeping all the time… it’s all very depressing and worrying. It seems to be bringing out some of the worst, self-hating thoughts in my brain.
So…. instead of feeling full of incompetence and shame, I am visualizing my being filled with intelligence and good will and competence! Does this mean I will never make any mistake? No, of course not. But, at least I may be able to minimize the amount that these kinds of unproductive thinking that too often trip me up…
Thank you WRT2 for the beautiful idea and post! I so needed just that kinda thing!!!
Now to blow-dry my hair and make a PB&J sandwich… yum!
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
You are very welcome! You have inspired me countless times. It’s so great to feel I’m not alone on this journey.
Isn’t it amazing how at times the negative self-chatter is not there, and then it is? And often, due to circumstances beyond our control?
I think that taking on the self talk by tapping into defiant positive thinking is a wonderful idea.
The upcoming surgery is understandably worrisome but I wonder if in some crazy mixed up way, the negative self-talk is reassuring, or at least familiar. I find that sometimes the negative talk amps up in the face of uncertainty. Like a familiar old song. Also, it’s hard to feel competent in the face of something you have no control over. No one is “competent” in the face of such things, it’s impossible. What is in your control, to some degree, is how you treat yourself. I’ve been through my share of situations where I’ve had little or no control and I’m starting to learn that what I need to do is to treat myself with extra niceness and compassion at these times.
Sounds like that’s what you are doing.
Oooo… interesting point about the negative self-talk being something familiar. It definitely rings true to me that in feeling insecure about my step-father (who raised me) that I may in some ways cling to the familiar to try to comfort myself… even if the familiar is this horrible self-talk.
Hmmm… you’re right. No one is competent in such situations. I’ve been somehow expecting myself to be though… the brain is such a funny thing.
Today is the big day, so I’m going to try to be extra vigilant in taking good care of myself. Yesterday taking care of myself meant not leaving the recliner… but today I feel like taking care of myself might have more to do with washing some dishes… they are piling up everywhere. Sometimes a slightly tidier house makes the world feel like a safer place to me…
In case it helps, my boyfriend’s kids’ step-grandfather (not sure how else to describe that relationship) just had a very similar surgery (triple bypass and valve replacement) at around age 70, and just five days later, he looked and sounded like a new man. They really can do amazing things in the operating room.
Meowser, Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that story… I really needed to hear it and garner some hope for my step-father’s situation. I hope he can be so lucky as this 70 yr old you know about!!!!
I agree with Meowser — they can do amazing things — quality of life can be much better after the heart starts getting what it needs.
[…] March 26, 2009 by angrygrayrainbows I’ve been working on finding the feeling of being capable in myself, since WRT2 wrote her brillaince about visualizing being full of love… my original call-0ut of her lovely post and my own rumination on the topic is here. […]