An interesting article at Newsweek about reality dating shows has set off an entire weekend’s rumination on the idea of self-esteem. What sucked me in was this bullet point:
Saying that you’re “empowered” and have good self-esteem does not make it so.
How many times have I heard people say that they had fantastic self-esteem… and yet, I knew this didn’t ring true at all, but wasn’t quite sure why? When I saw this bullet point, I was inspired to hope that I might more clearly understand the WHY behind my skepticism… and, I realized that I didn’t really understand what self-esteem really entailed. 😉
The article offers this link to the Self-Esteem Institute where I found this page that gives really neat detail about traits of self-esteem and traits of a lack of self-esteem. Wow… what an eye opener! Here are just some of the trait lists on the self-esteem page (linked above):
Cognitive Symptoms & Consequences of Low Self-Esteem:
Faulty Self Image (The inaccurate view of oneself as inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, and/or incompetent)
Inability to Discern Who and When to Trust
Irrational and Distorted Self-Statements (Carries on an inner dialog in which he makes untrue/unproven negative statements to himself)
Lacking Self Confidence
Mind Reading and Projection (Thinks and believes that others view her in the same negative ways that she views herself)
Obsessive Compulsive and Addictive Behaviors
Overly Critical of Self and Others
Reactionary (Overreacts to situations)
Rigidity
Self-Focused
Storytelling
Unreasonable Expectations
Signs of Confidence & Healthy Self-Esteem:
Looks ahead, setting both long range and short range goals
Establishes goals that are reasonable and likely attainable
Doesn’t procrastinate/is not a perfectionist/is a self-starter
Accepts his/her own weaknesses and lack of skills
Is highly motivated and determined to succeed
Bounces back after a setback, moving forward again
Trusts own ideas, perceptions, and opinions
Has the courage to say what he/she truly feels and believes
Is able to hear and benefit from constructive criticism
Can make timely decisions after considering the options
Displays good social skills
Has a history of far more successes than failures in meeting goals
Keeps moving to achieve goals in difficult times.
Is open to both positive and negative feedback
Learns from past mistakes rather than repeating them.
Is willing and able to takes risks
Is willing to cut his/her losses when a project seems doomed to fail
Can change course when it is necessary to do so
Is generally positive, energetic, and assertive
Takes people at their word unless or until there is reason to do otherwise
A little further digging brought up a guy, Nathaniel Branden, who has been working for decades trying to define and dispel misconceptions about self-esteem. Branden wrote a neat little piece called “What Self-Esteem Is and Is Not.” In this piece, I am introduced for the first time in my life to the concept of “pseudo self-esteem.” Pseudo self-esteem is something that people may try to pass off as or misinterpret as high self-esteem, when in fact this way of thinking comes from a very insecure and defensive place…. for example, narcissism. For those of you unfamiliar with the technical concept, the criteria for NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) are listed as:
DSM IV-TR criteria
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:[1]
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance
- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- believes that he or she is “special”.
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement
- is interpersonally exploitative
- lacks empathy
- is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
- shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Have you ever known someone who had a load of narcissistic traits who swore they had the best self-esteem in the world? Anyway… I have known MANY. IMHO, these are some of the most annoying people in the world. 😉
Rather, Branden defines self-esteem as:
To begin with a definition: Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us. The survival-value of such confidence is obvious; so is the danger when it is missing.
Self-esteem is not the euphoria or buoyancy that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a compliment, or a love affair. It is not an illusion or hallucination. If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through the appropriate operation of mind, it is not self-esteem.
The root of our need for self-esteem is the need for a consciousness to learn to trust itself. And the root of the need to learn such trust is the fact that consciousness is volitional: we have the choice to think or not to think. We control the switch that turns consciousness brighter or dimmer. We are not rational—that is, reality-focused—automatically. This means that whether we learn to operate our mind in such a way as to make ourselves appropriate to life is ultimately a function of our choices. Do we strive for consciousness or for its opposite? For rationality or its opposite? For coherence and clarity or their opposite? For truth or its opposite?
Wow…. just wow. So, self-esteem requires consciousness rather than living numbly or only half awake. Self-esteem is rooted in reality. Self-esteem requires a sense of competence and worthiness of good things! I have never seen such a clear definition before!
I spent all day Saturday mulling over these ideas… and I have a feeling that I will spend a good portion of Sunday doing so as well. Why? Well, my concept of self-esteem has been muddled for my whole life. Off the top of my head, I can think of one major reason for this…
I was raised by a professionally successful psychologist, who was otherwise abusive and seemed to be very invested in breaking my mind and spirit. I remember his screaming at me about “self-esteem.” First, he told me that I wouldn’t achieve any kind of self-esteem unless I accomplished things that would cause me to esteem myself. Second, he told me that my track record was that I don’t accomplish any good things and most people never overcome their track records – crushing what hope I had. He then would give me perfectionistic examples of how to achieve anything that might result in self-esteem – effectively sabotaging my efforts along this path. Sigh… No, I don’t really think he consciously set-out to sabotage me. I think he was telling me the best of what he knew about self-esteem. From what I’ve seen of the guy in the 30 years of my life, he has been following these ideas that he taught me and because of this suffers some of the lowest self-esteem I have ever seen in my life…
Otherwise, my life has too oft been full of people who exhibited the misleading “pseudo self-esteem” traits and I believed them when they told me (time and time again) how great their self-esteem was. How confusing! Thankfully, I have weeded out most of these people today… other than my mother and this one cousin that I can’t seem to completely drop.
I LOVE that there are all these neat lists clearly detailing what self-esteem is and isn’t… but, prolly what I love more than that is that these definitions (mostly) ring true to my experience. While the behaviors of self-esteem may, on one hand, result from a healthy sense of self…. on the other, I am finding that putting some of these behaviors into action is really helpful too. Granted, self-esteem isn’t as simple as following a list of behaviors. Self-esteem comes from the way one things about themself… I suspect that I am benefitting so much from the behavior list is because I have been working on the foundations of self-esteem for years now and now it seems I have found one long-lost piece of the puzzle… clear behavioral goals! Whoooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooo!
What have the self-esteem traits lists done for me (so far anyway)? It has helped me speak my mind more clearly and confidently. I have set boundaries more confidently. I have been less judgemental of my thoughts and feelings… and more able to just let them exist without condoning or condemning them. It feels awesome!
I’ve noticed that in the first days of a realization, the changes are easy… then some days or weeks later, the sparkle rubs off and it is much harder to put my new found information to action. Have ya’all experienced that? Right now, I am reminding myself that this is a NORMAL process. There definitely are peaks and valleys in the learning process and I have definitely learned how to keep internalizing new information after the initial “sparkle” has faded. One new thing I’m finding helpful is visualization… like, visualizing in the morning what my day will be like if I put the new ideas that I want to internalize into action… and this makes it a little easier for me to keep learning after my brain is no longer facinated by my “new toy” and wants to go back to the way things were. 😉 Right now, I’m really thinking about this process a lot… cuz I am learning to eat at an earlier stage of hunger and the sparkle has already worn off of that one, so I’m having to put in effort not to lose the idea completely (and yay! so far, so good!) and on the other hand, I just realized something new that is now my brains “new, shiny toy.” 😉 The brain is such a funny thing, eh?
Rainbows! (That is you, my dear readers… 😉 ) Have you ever had an unhelpful conception of what self-esteem is? Where did you learn it? Have you gotten past it? How did you learn a healthier definition of self-esteem? Does anyone have any book recommendations on the topic of self-esteem? Where do you seem room for growth or improvement in your self-esteem? I love your input, so please – share away! 🙂 🙂 🙂
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Thank you for this post. 🙂
It may give me a jumping off place for months to come!
You’re most welcome! 🙂
I really like Branden’s work. It’s good to look at self-esteem from a rational pint of view, but then again it’s good to look at everything from a rational point of view.
Sadly, I have several difficult people in my life who would swear up and down and every way to Sunday that they had high self-esteem. I’m postive that one of them has NPD. It’s always the people who claim that they are so confident who MUST have the last word, who MUST always be right, and who never seem to respect anyone else’s right to their own opinions and choices.
At least I’m able to tell which arguments are worth having. My strategy is limiting interactions with people like that, and if I have to see them, to remind myself of how lucky I am for not being like them. I think that self-esteem issues are at the core of nearly every other problem that people deal with.
[…] is being further exibited over and over and over and over and over to me… as explored here and here. Sometimes just reminding myself that I AM CAPABLE (and/or competant) makes me feel like […]