Thoughts on Pictures

The bf took some pics last night at my request…  well, what I really wanted him to do was to take pictures of the ridiculous cuteness that was going on in my lap.  Instead, he decided to include me in the snaps…

What has really struck me is that I am not horrified by my own pictures so much anymore.  Have you been there?  I think I’ve spent my whole life dreading pictures and when seeing one of myself going through this horrible process of being horrified and then wondering if I REALLY look like THAT.  What is interesting to me is that the bf has taken a handful of pics of me lately.  Before he shows me what he took, he usually says, “You prolly won’t like it, but I do.”  Of course he says that.  He has spent two years with a woman who flips out any time she sees a photo of herself.  But lately, it’s not happening.  Lately, I end up seeing the shot and saying… “Hmmm… it’s not bad…”  or even, “I really like it!”  In celebration of not hating my own snaps, I’m going to post some here:

I wonder if some of why I like these pics is that they show an authentic me.  Looking back, one thing I’ve always hated about having my pics taken is that I tend to put on this “mask”… and I’m not good at wearing masks.  I try to wear some expression that I think is photogenic, but not necessarily representative of WHO I am… ya know?  What I really like about these pics, is that I could’ve given a damn whether I was photogenic or not.  I just wanted to be me… exactly how I felt in that moment.  That meant that I had very serious looks on my face until my boyfriend started making all sorts of jokes to get me to smile.  He’s good at making me smile.  Anyway… I think it was really awesome that my first instinct wasn’t to put on some face that didn’t match what I really felt at the moment.  My first thought was… “well, if you want a pic of me, you’re going to get one OF ME and whatever authentic emotion I show and feel at the moment.”  Teee heeee heeeeee…. I never thought I’d get to such a good place of healthy self-regard!

In the second pic, I see how my face is kinda contorted up with laughter.  I know that in the past that I would’ve felt that this made my face look fat and perhaps demented… and I would’ve hated this pic.  Instead, I am thinking that it shows me in a goofy mood and that it’s authentic and therefore – I like it.  Period.  Wow… I cannot believe these thoughts are coming from MY brain.  Whooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The first shot keeps drawing my attention though… and not for the reason it would have in the past.  In the past, it would’ve fixated me, because I actually look somewhat photogenic.  However, I cannot take my eyes off that pic, because I can hardly tell if that is a pic of me… or of my cousin or of my aunt or of my grandma.  Wow.  The family resemblance really shows in that pic.  On my bio-dad’s side of the family, there is a very strong resemblance going on… most of the folks look significantly like me.  Sometimes I think we all just look like slightly modified clones of eachother.  Because I grew up with only my mom’s side of the family (and people I really don’t look like at all), it is pretty neat to see that I look like SOMEONE.  For most of my childhood, I felt like I must’ve been hatched from an egg or something, because I didn’t feel like I belonged at all with my mom’s side.  In almost every way, I always felt very different from them… physically, mentally, emotionally…

Wow, it is such a relief to be okay with pictures of myself.  I feel like I finally set down a giant sack of rocks that I’ve been carrying on my back.  If you haven’t learned to be okay with the way you look yet, I highly recommend the journey… it is so worth it!

I remember how this journey even started for me… I would stand in front of the mirror and the first thoughts I had about myself were generally so mean.  “I’m so fat/ugly/undisciplined/unloveable…etc.”  Sometimes after looking in the mirror, I felt like I shouldn’t be allowed to even leave the house, because I would just horrify people with my monstrous appearance.  Seriously.  The first step for me was to tell myself that I was beautiful… even if I didn’t really believe it.  I would tell myself over and over and over until I felt a little bit better about myself.  I also used this trick where I told myself I wasn’t seeing me… I was seeing a friend who just looked exactly like me.  Would I tell her that she was ugly?  Would I shame her?  Heck no!  I would try to build her confidence… suddenly I saw myself from a more objective light…   After months (maybe years), it started to become natural to think nice things about myself when I saw myself in the mirror… and I guess this has translated over into feeling comfortable with my authentic self and feelings when I am having my pics taken and actually liking my own photos. 

For those of you who still hate the way you look:  If you had a friend who looked exactly like you do, would you be so cruel to her?  What would you say to her, if you heard her bashing her looks?

–AngryGrayRainbows