I can’t lie. I’ve had a couple of pretty bad weeks lately. For all my trying to stay positive, it’s just not working.
If there is a God and He’s testing me to see if I can stay positive in the midst of this “storm”, I feel I’m failing miserably. I’ve been close to getting quite depressed but I’ve been able to keep my wits about me to some extent and I’m just teetering on melancholy right now.
As you all know, I’ve been dealing with a horrible bout of sciatica and it seems like every time I start feeling somewhat better I do something to kick it back into action again. I was off work last week on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and was so looking forward to some quality time with my dog and some books and maybe the blog and I ended up in bed most of the time. I worked Monday and Tuesday and a little on Wednesday and then called it quits for this week. I’ve been taking muscle relaxers and pain pills and have been knocked out and in bed most of the time. Wednesday night was a particularly bad night as the pain continued through the night and interrupted my sleep several times (even with pain pills). I started feeling some better yesterday and I’m feeling down right spiffy today. I’m taking it very easy though and not pushing anything. I want this feeling to last more than a couple of days this time.
This obstacle of physical pain has taken it’s toll on my self-esteem and self-respect. I’ve beaten myself up terribly saying to myself over and over that if I hadn’t been fat, I wouldn’t be in this pain. God I hate that bitch that lives in my head and tells me that crap!! I believe her even though I sit in the chiropractor’s office with many thin and fit people every day as they are humped over in pain or out of alignment. Yesterday was the pits though.
I get up after a fitful night of sleep and my hip and leg are hurting me so badly and I get up and make my daily trip to the chiropractor. She adjusts me and assures me I’ll start feeling better soon. I want to believe her and I start to believe her but that bitch is still tryng as hard as she can to tell me I’m not worthy of anything good and that all my ills boil down to my being fat.
I come home halfway between a positive attitude and negative attitude and then it hits me right in the face. Another obstacle! The thing that hurts me more in my marriage than anything else could. I get on the computer to start to type and there it is! In the history! Pictures of “Maria” from facebook with her 36HHHs!!!!!! What little self-esteem I had clung to so tightly flew out the window. The bitch starts yelling! “oh see there! If you were thin your husband wouldn’t have to go to the computer to get his jollies!” “I told you!!!!!! Being thin would solve all your problems!” “Dumbass, if you would lose weight, you wouldn’t have physical pains and your husband would want YOU!” (To bring you up to speed, my husband is a sex addict who is addicted to porn. He’s been in recovery for 8 years. It almost ruined our marriage. I say that to let you know that this is not a simple case of looking at porn casually but as a way for him to cope. It sucks.)
I picked up the phone immediately and called my husband to question him about this. I tell him how hurt I feel. I tell him I don’t want him to think I’m suffering with this sciatica to get back at him or whatever it is he thinks I’m doing. I cry. He apologizes. We talk a little more. It’s ok for now but I’m still hurt (no, it’s not really ok). It just seemed like he hit me when I was already down.
So ask me how this has affected my eating. Go ahead ask. Well, let me tell you how it’s affected it. I’m eating everything that’s not nailed down. I’m thinking “what does it matter how fat I am? I’m always going to be second to airbrushed, big boobed women and I’m going to be in physical pain regardless!” The hurt and pain are leaving me feeling completely empty and I’m turning to food to fill me up. I’m eating things that are not satisfying just to feel that full feeling inside. It’s like my heart is emptying out day by day and not getting replenished. I have a dad shaped hole in my heart (died), a mom shaped hole in my heart (died), a sister shaped hole in my heart (abandoned) and sometimes even a husband shaped hold (addiction) in my heart. That doesn’t leave me much of a heart. I’m trying with all my might to claim what is left for ME! It’s just so dadgum hard!
(The previous just needed to be spilled out for fear that I would explode if I didn’t share it with someone.)
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs!!!!
I know you already know this… but I’ll remind you of this anyway, cuz maybe this is a good time to hear it. Girl, you could look like a super-model and my guess is that your husband would still be a porn addict. The addiction is his problem… it is irrational… it is NOT your fault, my dear friend. It’s just not your fault.
To flip this around… I know that when I was so stuck in the eating disorder that it didn’t matter what fabulous significant other I had in my life. Maybe you’ve been there… where you want so bad to get it all “cured” for someone, but it’s just not that easy?
I hope your sciatica backs down soon! Have you ever seen an ph.d. for your back issues? Maybe a 2nd opinion would be helpful.
Thanks for the hugs and the reminder that HIS addiction is not about me. Sometimes when you’re in the midst of it, that bit of reality is hidden deep deep inside.
I actually found out I had sciatica when I went to my family physician for the back pain. He gave me pain pills and muscle relaxers and told me he knew what it was and that he couldn’t do an MRI on my back because insurance wouldn’t pay for it unless I tried physical therapy first. I’d rather go to my chiropractor than go to a physical therapist.
Today is another day of rest and I’m feeling pretty good. I’ll just have to see what happens when I go back to work tomorrow.
~sas
Hi. Just hi. My heart goes out to you.
Right now, my family is visiting, and my intuitive eating is absent… just the same as in the past when I couldn’t “stick to a diet” when my family was visiting. Stress is stress is stress. Someday, maybe we’ll have more of those moments when we are stressed and find something else soothing.
My husband has additions and very very serious mental health stuff — and I don’t blame myself, but I also don’t know really what the right thing to do it. One moment, I think, I’m done, I can’t do this any more, and then he does something amazing like talk our daughter down from a very intense tantrum in the middle of the night and I think, how could I manage without him?
As far as sciatica goes, I know it really hurts. I had it flare up a while ago and it hasn’t come back. I don’t know why it hasn’t come back, I don’t think I did anything specific to make it go away, but seeing a chiropractor did help at the time to help me feel I was doing *something*. I hope you feel better soon.
You venting and ranting were good to read — not that it’s nice to hear you are going through a good time, but to hear an authentic expression of how hard it is.
Thanks WRT2. I really appreciate the words of support.
I’ll be honest, the thoughts of leaving my husband never really enter my mind. I love him dearly and we’ve been through some really rough times together (including the horribly painful death of my mother/anniversary of her death is Wednesday) and, like you, I wonder what I would do without him.
I think this situation as with any other in a marriage is one of those times that communication is the key. My dh and I have talked about this situation some more and I’ve gotten a little more insight to his feelings and he mine. When we have to go through these times and don’t have any communication, that’s when I will truly question my marriage.
My eating? Well, I loved what you said, “Stress is stress is stress.” It sometimes an everyday occurence and sometimes even many times a day. How I react to that stress is the key. I have choices (although while in the middle of the situation, I don’t believe I have choices) in how to handle each and every stressful situation. Not every stressful situation calls for the same coping mechanism. If I could just stop myself during the stressful situation and remind myself I have choices, that would help me tremendously.
Thank you again for your kind words.
Hello,
I suffer from severe pain daily too and I am very grateful to GOD to have my husband. Keep praying in Jesus Christ precious name and if you can get the bible on IPOD to listen when you hurt (Psalm) you will feel better.
I pray that your husband finds GOD and can control his addiction. Everyone in this world is a sinner no one is perfect but with GOD’s help each of us can enjoy life and find a way to smile again.
Here is my prayer for you and your family,
Dear Father GOD
I lift up your children to you Jesus, I ask in Jesus Christ precious name that you remove this pain and suffering now. I ask that you supernaturally remove all addiction with the husband and supernaturally send them to the right church where people can minister to them and help them heal their marriage and health. In Jesus Christ precious name AMEN.
GOD bless you and your family,
Melody
http://www.donkeywhisperer.com