As is usual for the day or two before my period, yesterday I had way too many sweets. 😉 I’ve learned to see this as normal for me. I couldn’t even say I crave the sweets… it’s just that a day or two before my period starts, I feel the urge to mindlessly eat sweets whether I really want them or enjoy them or not. In times past, as a bulimic and as a COE, binges were some kind of emotional release for me. They failed working for me a long time ago. Binges became boring some time back…. they stopped being a release…. I stopped seeing them as the answer to my life’s struggles. Thank you Recovery for that….
Perhaps, “binge” isn’t the right word. I used to binge until my stomach felt like it would tear in half…. until it was hard to breathe. Yesterday was nothing like that. At one point, I felt a little full. There was some mindless eating, but apparently I’m not capable of that level of mindlessness that made me able to eat until breathing is hard. I didn’t even give myself a stomach ache. It was more of a PMS overeating episode… I suspect that “binge” could be greatly overstating things… but coming from my eating disordered history, sometimes I think in those terms of things such as “binges.” Maybe it is time I let go of labels that no longer really fit… but, for the purpose of this post, I’m going to use the word “binge” and I will consider the letting go of this particular label in another post! It will make expressing these other new ideas a little easier for me to communicate…
Anyway, I have been noticing a change and this is the real purpose for my post. 😉 It used to be that after a binge, the next day felt like hell. The day after a binge, all I wanted to do was to eat more sweets… to eat only sweets or mostly sweets. It was a struggle to incorporate nutrition into my diet again… at the same time, I knew I couldn’t binge forever… that wasn’t a life that I wanted to live. Physcially, mentally and emotionally it was just too much suffering to be binging all the time. Over my recovery work, binges became less and less common. Binges became smaller and easier to recover from…
Some time back, the day after a binge became a relief. Binging or just overeating became this old useless habit that isn’t even enjoyable anymore and the day after a binge when getting back to “normal” became this beautiful relief… a happy day. I find myself thinking, “Thank God! Veggies!!!! OH, I missed them so much!” Hah.
I know that many women binge or overeat due to hormones as I do. My therapist also told me many times that “binges” will most likely be a part of my life until I die and that my goal should be to cope with them better and have them less frequently. Human beings binge anyway sometimes – why should I expect myself to be more than human? I keep hearing the voices of others in my head who think that any overeating what-so-ever is alarming and a sign of danger. Sigh… I am so sick of judgement. I am so sick of what is clearly to me – unrealistic expectations. I suppose it is time to give those voices the finger, eh?
I wanted to write this post to celebrate progress that I have only today realized has been coming on for months… maybe a year. I wanted to celebrate the fact that the day after a binge is no longer any struggle. It is a celebration. I look forward to it. I enjoy it. And… I never knew I could ever get so healthy. It’s time I lay down the defensiveness as if I am on trial and simply celebrate new realized progress… Easier said than done. LOL
For those of you who still struggle with an eating disorder that involves binging – please know that there is hope. Treatment is a life saver. 😉
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Right after Easter, when candy goes on sale half price, I know I’m going to be eating a bit more of it than usual for a couple of days. So’s my skinny boyfriend. Nobody thinks there’s anything wrong with him eating the stuff, and I have no medical contraindications to doing so, so the hell with it. Eventually it’ll get old or we’ll run out of candy, and then that’ll be that. I also have a Spud order coming tomorrow and am drooling over the prospect of a ripe mango. Nature makes candy too. (Notice I didn’t forget that final “too.”)
Mangos! I love mangos. After I read your comment, Meowser, I went to the local market and got myself some. 😉
There is one easter candy that I discovered last year and just LOVE… have you heard of “birds’ nests”… the ones I buy are made by Russell Stovers…. coconut covered in chocolate… omg… heaven. Is it just me or have Cadbury’s eggs changed somehow? I used to love them… they used to taste better, I think. Now, whenever I eat one, it’s a disappointment. The chocolate tastes kinda acidy and the inner creme tastes overly sweet. Oh well, at least the adverts for the eggs are still adorable and enjoyable.
AGR, I’ve had less time on the computer this past week, but when I read your posts, they really are “food for thought” that I reflect and meditate on, even if I don’t respond.
The idea that somehow I would expect myself to never overeat again is a perfectionistic one — thanks for calling this out.
On your previous post — I am getting two days of intense activity a week and I so crave more than that. I think another hour or so of intense activity on another day, and then some not-as-intense activity on some other days would really help me feel better, but I’m not able to fit it in at the moment.
And, I’ve gotten disconnected from attuned eating — due in part to Passover and family visiting, but I’m looking forward to a return over the next few days. I hope I’ll have a chance to write about it, too.
Thanks for your writing — it inspires me.
Oh, WRT2, your replies mean so much to me. Thank you.
In addition to aiding my own processing efforts and to challenge myself to grow and change… one of my hopes has been that I could help challenge other people on similar journies.
IMHO, I think getting our of our normal rhythm is normal for important holidays. It happens to me every Christmas… and I’m getting the feeling that this particular part of my life isn’t going to change. Besides, it’s refreshing to shake things up sometimes, yes?
I’m happy you read into my post that never expecting yourself to overeat again is unrealistic. That is a really important thing to realize… I still often find myself thinking that somehow I can “fix” it so I would never overeat again… and sometimes it takes me hours, days or weeks to realize that this idea just isn’t right. It’s always a lovely relief to realize this yet again.
oh, this is a beautiful, hopeful post. i love the compassion for yourself you show here. xo
Thanks, Sarah. 🙂 🙂 🙂