I’m ready to trade in my body for a newer improved model. Does anyone know where I can accomplish this? No? Well then I guess I’ll just post about it and try to work things through in my mind.
Good news to start off with…my back (sciatica) isn’t hurting me today. The reason why it’s not hurting me is the bad news…it’s because I think my left foot is broken.
I woke up this morning to severe pain in my left foot and when I pulled it out from under the covers, I saw that it was twice it’s normal size. It’s sensitive to the touch in one area and it’s throbbing even as I type this. (I’ve had it x-rayed with no fractures showing but it’s possible it won’t show up just now.)
The main issue I’m having with this is not the physical pain, although it’s atrocious, but the emotional pain I’m experiencing because of this. The emotional pain is the embarrassment and shame I feel for having the physical pain. This pain is seen outwardly by other people. I haven’t been able to walk well for months because of the sciatica and now, with the very painful foot, I’m limping pretty badly. A fat woman walking down the street or at work, with a limp, makes people think, “oh gee. If she’d just take care of herself she wouldn’t be limping like that.” “If she’d just lose some of that weight, she wouldn’t have those problems.” “If she’d cut out that extra serving of whatever she’d be able to walk better.”
I know this is what is being said at my place of work because they all said that about a fat co-worker when he was dealing with some health issues that required him to walk in a boot.
My doctor told me I needed to be taken off work and I said no. The week before last I took off three days of vacation and last week I took off 2 and half days of sick leave for my back. I feel like I can’t keep taking off because it will put my job in jeopardy.
As a result of this physical pain, I’ve been extremely down on myself. I would even venture to guess I’m on the brink of depression. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere because, physically, it’s just too much of a hassle. My husband and I have been wanting to get out of town for a few days but what’s the point if I can’t enjoy it because I’m in pain?
What would I say to my best friend if she was experiencing what I’m experiencing? I would tell her to take the time she needs, rest, heal and stop being so hard on herself. Oh, that is so easily said and so hard to do. I’ve been wired for so long to be hard on myself and to hate myself that it’s sometimes hard to see the good person I am and that I’m worthy of the attention I need to get better.
As I typed this I realized no one should have to sit here in this pain and try to work. The pain I’m having is keeping me from working anyway so I might as well go home and rest. I’m exhausted from the worry about my work, the physical pain and the emotional turmoil.
Oh! And added to that emotional turmoil is the fact that I’m eating more (and bingeing) to numb myself from all the pain. So, of course, I’m heaping guilt about eating on top of the pain that already exists! Just shoot me! I’m worn out!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
sas – As someone who is in pain most of the time (and severe pain some of the time), I can relate. Well, I used to be able to relate to the depression and being down on myself because of the pain, but after having dealt with it in one form or another for the last 20 years, I’ve just said to hell with it. I can’t get a doctor to take me seriously, all they want to say is “Lose weight and the pain will go away.” Umm, no, it won’t, been there done that and it didn’t work then, won’t work now, thank you very much. So I deal with it.
As for your foot possibly being broken, fractures don’t always show up until they start to heal (and I’ve had fractures that have healed and show up on x-rays as still being broken). What I would do in that situation is get some crutches or a walker so you can quit walking on it and putting more stress on it (stress can keep fractures from healing properly, been there done that too *G*). Shit happens, and blaming ourselves for everything that goes wrong in our lives doesn’t help much (and it took me 30 years to learn that lesson). So take it easy on your foot, and on yourself, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.
Thanks Vesta…I really appreciate you saying those things. My chiro and I have determined that the fracture happened because of my overcompensating in the way I walk with my back pain.
You are so right. Blaming myself does absolutely nothing to help this situation (or any other situation where the blame is so blatantly misplaced). What HAS helped me is taking care of me. I’ve put my foot up and stayed off of it. I’ve used ice on it and my dh has been the best care-giver I could possibly ask for.
I’ve brought down my “boot” that I had to use on the other foot a few years ago and will be using it if I get up too much. I’ve done nothing for three days but go from the bed to the bathroom. I can feel a huge difference but have looked it up and researched it and I’m not going to rush anything.
I may try to go to work tomorrow, I may not…just depends on how I feel in the morning.
Thanks again vesta!
Well, Weed has always worked for me for almost everything!
For Your Semi-Health..
My job prohibits me from even thinking such a thing….hahaha. Oh well, thanks for the thought.
This may sound weird… but it has worked for me in the past when I was very resistant to doing what was right for me…
I would tell myself that I AM SOMEONE ELSE. Period. Cuz someone else would be allowed to rest. Someone else would be allowed time off work. Someone else wouldn’t be judged for her fat.
I didn’t even have to necessarily choose a person to “be”… just telling myself that I’m not me felt like someone took a freight train off my back and suddenly I felt more ready to act.
Not sure if this works for everybody… but it might be worth a try. 😉
Sas, you worked your ass off for a very long time through an amazing amount of stress… and all this was very recent. It makes perfect sense that now that some of the pressure is off that your body is finally feeling safe to “fall apart” a bit and DEMAND that you take care of yourself. You are not a robot.
If stupid people want to think and even say stupid things about your health because your are fat – we cannot stop them. The real test of fortitude is doing what you know is right – ANYWAY.
What was that movie quote… “It’s not brave if you’re not scared…”
Seriously… standing up against even just the fat-hating voices in our mind is a serious act of rebellion. Even if people are gossiping… the thing is that people are always going to be saying stupid things. Even if you were thin, there are people who would find some reason to be concern trolls about your life. These people don’t deserve this much power over your life.
Yep, it worked for me too.
I was going back to work Thursday from lunch and my boss called my cell phone. He told me he didn’t realize how bad my foot was and that I should stay home. I told him I was already in the parking lot (and I was going to seriously go back in there) and he said, well just turn around and go home. I thought….what would AGR do? My happy ass said, “yes sir,” I turned the car around and went home.
My foot was swollen and hurting I marveled at the fact that I was actually going to go back to work and sit there in pain. Gees! So I’m resting in bed, watching tv and at 8:30 my phone rang. It was my boss. He told me to stay home Friday too. I didn’t hesitate that time. I said, Ok, thanks I will.
I’ve been such a good patient. I’ve been treating myself so good. My dh has been the greatest. He even fixed a very good chicken pasta meal with garlic bread last night. He’s vacuumed the whole house, washed dishes and washed clothes. He’s gotten up early to fix me breakfast and I haven’t had to do anything.
I’ve learned online that just because the area around the stress fracture feels better doesn’t mean it’s healed so I’m going to take it easy for about a month (at least) and take care of me.
I’ve got to admit, taking care of me feels pretty darn good. Putting myself first is no cause for embarrassment or shame…it’s actually a cause for celebration!!!
…y’know…I had a TENDON injury once that hurt so bad my foot could have been broken. I had it x-rayed = no breaks or fractures. Swelling, pain, everything…all I could do was to ice it down whenever I could (and thank god it was summertime! *haha!* ), try to keep my foot elevated, and yes, I used crutches while it healed.
ow.
I do hope you feel some relief soon!
Just sending you a hug SAS, sorry it’s a bit late