Mountains and Mole Hills

Seeing the big picture is generally not a problem for me.  Sometimes, it seems like the only thing I am capable of seeing is the “big picture.”  I’ve almost always thought of this trait of mine as a strength… but last night, I learned something more…

I was reading a really enjoyable novel.  Just enjoying the moment.  Then… the thoughts start rolling in…

 – If I could just learn to read more slowly, I would never miss any information and I could become some kinda super-employee who never makes a mistake when I do get a job, because I will have this skill!

– Look how I just skimmed over that sentence!  How will I ever become a super-employee if I keep doing stupid things like that!

– Oh crap… a word that I don’t know the meaning to… I will never be a super-employee, because I am such a moron.

– I could be a freakin’ billionare, if I could just get my mind to slow-down and do things right!  I will NEVER be financially successful, cuz I keep skimming sentences that I don’t find so exciting…

Somehow… I managed to turn leisurely enjoying a book into this huge pressure-filled deal that would determine the success of any of my future jobs.  *headdesk*  Have you been there?  I go there a lot…  I often do the same thing with washing the dishes or cooking.  I attach “big picture” meaning that just stresses me out and sucks all the enjoyment out of whatever I’m doing. 

Sometimes a book is just a book.  It doesn’t have to be extrapolated into all my future success or failure…  Hah. 

This reminds me of how I put extraordinary pressure on myself when I did have a job.  Reading the sentence of an email or formatting a very small and simple presentation slide became symbolic of my entire career success or failure.  The pressure became so much that I usually crumbled beneath it… I sometimes found it hard to do the simplest things and I think that at least some of that had to do with the “big picture” pressure I put on myself.  It becomes impossible to enjoy or even perform the step I am taking right now, because I am so afraid, overwhelmed and focused on the image of the entire journey.  The step I am taking now gets swallowed up and lost.  Anyone relate?

I still think that my ability to easily see the big picture is an asset.  😉  However, I think it is time I learn to manage that ability a bit better and not let it hijack the moment and turn a leisurely reading of a novel into something symbolic of my entire future.  Hahahahahaha…

It is realizations like this that makes me want to jump in a time machine and smack my stepfather up-side the head when he was lecturing me about how my not folding laundry perfectly or missing a spot when scrubbing pots meant that I was doomed for failure for the rest of my life.  This man was a celebrated psychologist for f&*%’s sake!  He should’ve known better!  *headdesk*  But, he didn’t.  Sigh…  My successes didn’t matter to him, because I was supposed to succeed and supposed to succeed ALL THE TIME.  What was constantly pointed out to me was the little mistakes and how I would be forever doomed because of them.  That said, I also know that he imposed this same kind of judgement on himself and I see how it has worn him down over the years so that there is very little self-esteem left in him… sad. 

Sometimes reading a book is just reading a book.  Sometimes petting a cat is just petting a cat.  Washing a dish is just washing a dish!  Hmmm… well, off I go to chew on these ideas and to see how I can put them into motion.  😉

–AngryGrayRainbows