“undisciplined” “buckle-down”

I’ve been noticing lately that those thoughts when I look in the mirror and “see” undiscipline have been coming back… and I realized (yet again) that this is not even close to being true.  Not.  Even.  Close. 

I’m using this pic of me again to remind myself what I look like and who I am… that I am not just this blob of undiscipline that I envision in my worst moments.  I believe what has triggered this was hauling out last year’s summer clothes.  Normally, I gain weight in the winter and then lose it in spring, summer and fall.  The winter really brings me down and the cold is very painful to me.  So anyway… last year’s summer clothes are (in large part) unwearable.  Thoughts pop into my head that I should feel some guilt over this… that I somehow haven’t been “good” over the winter and that I have become some lazy slob since then.  *headdesk*

And, I realized that undisciplined is the last thing I am.  Sheesh… these last few months I’ve been eating healthier than I ever have in my entire life (that I can remember anyway) and healthier than anyone I can think of…. and this has been effortless.  I don’t restrict the foods I love that society too often finds “sinful.”  At the same time, I have ignited a love affair with vegetables.  It is pretty sweet.  I have made an effort to add more activity to my life.  I have challenged myself.  I have treated myself well.  And yet, I am still fatter than last summer.  Yet, I am still plus-sized and can’t even dream about thinking of fitting into anything non-plus-sized today.  What the heck is all this judging based on appearances??!!??  Do I not even KNOW me?  The last thing I am is undisciplined and yet, I am fat.  This is the case for so many fat people and right now all the judgement we get from society is really pissing me off. 

I’ve also noticed that I haven’t felt worthy of feeling sexy or beautiful, because I have seen myself as such an undisciplined moron.  I have felt like I have no sexuality at all.  I have felt like I wasn’t worthy of being a female.  It has sucked… and ya know what?  I am over it.  I deserve better than this and I don’t have to live like this.  I am remembering that I am sexy and that I am beautiful and that I am a woman.  It is time to own these REALITIES again.

I learned long ago that eating disorder/depression/ptsd/non-acceptance recovery isn’t this perfect straight-line trend up into perfection.  It is a hilly ride and right now I’m realizing that I have been in a valley for a week or two (or three?) and I am ready for the climb out.  It doesn’t even intimidate me.  I have climbed so many times it is like breathing. 

Not being able to fit in the vast majority of clothes doesn’t make me any less of a person.  It makes the majority of clothes makers out there unrealistic and prejudiced.  If you aren’t the size of the “average” woman or smaller, forget about finding clothes easily for yourself… and that is just ridiculous, because BY DEFINITION HALF (approx) of all women are going to be larger than average.  That is a WHOLE LOT OF WOMEN that are being left out by most clothing stores and this situation is, frankly, disgusting…. And, yet, sadly…. it is all too easy to feel that it is our fault for not fitting into the clothes at the GAP.  This is just insanity and we deserve better. 

Anyway… my problem has never been undiscipline and I am sick of it being framed that way by me or by others.  My obstacle has most often been a lack of self-regard, self-trust and self-love… and labelling myself in cruel ways isn’t a part of any of these three things.  I think when we start labelling ourselves undisciplined (etc..) that this is a red flag not in regards to our self-discipline, but in regards to our self-LOVE.  It’s a red flag that we aren’t seeing ourselves in a loving and healthy way.  Becoming more of a hard-a$$ on ourselves isn’t the answer – this is further descent away from self-love.  TLC is what we need and deserve… and it’s time to remember that.  😉

–AngryGrayRainbows