Choices & Priorities

I’ve been thinking about what my choices say about my priorities.  It is not my default to make fuelling myself a priority, but I’m working on it.  My default is to do anything but eat.  If I’m reading a book and get hungry, then my default will be to not eat until I’ve finished the chapter I’m in right now.  Or, if that chapter is almost finished anyway, then the next chapter after that must be finished first.  If I am playing a video game, blogging or doing something work related my default is to try to put off eating pretty much endlessly until I’m so hungry that I will prolly overeat.  If there’s a cat in my lap, I won’t want to feed myself until the cat decides they want to leave my lap (this can take hours!).  So… what does all this mean?  Pretty much anything is a higher priority than feeding myself….?  Perhaps… it certainly seems so. 

I am very fortunate that I am in a place in my eating disorder recovery that noticing these priorities and challenging them is old hat.  Usually, just a few minutes after I’ve had the thought that (fill in the blank) is more important than nourishing myself, before I am already challenging that thought and deciding to go eat.  I am proud of this fact indeed.  🙂  However, I think the thinking here is really interesting in and of itself even if it isn’t running my life anymore.  I have a feeling a lot of folks out there still do live in accordance with the “food is the last priority” thinking and so I’m posting about it. 

There were things I always read in magazine articles and recovery books… about how being properly nourished helps one think straight and helps one be more emotionally stable and all sorts of other good things.  I suspect that in previous years my other untreated (at the time) mental illnesses (depression, PTSD, ADD) clouded my thinking so that even well nourished I couldn’t feel any difference from being starved.  Medication – if you need it – can make all the difference in the world.  😉  Today, I can feel a huge difference between nourishing myself or not doing so… and the desire to feel my best keeps me pursuing things that are good for me.  It’s weird to finally feel the difference honestly… for most of my life I didn’t and I wondered what the heck other people were talking about or what the heck was wrong with me.  Sometimes it is still a shock to me that I can see the difference now… I never thought I’d get here. 

A challenge to readers who still struggle with self-loving behavior:

If you look at your behavior around eating, is nourishing yourself a high or low priority compared to your other daily tasks? 

To take this topic on a slight tangent, self-care in general, as a default, is often my last priority.  Exercise, sleep, need for being around people… whatever it is I need, my first thought is generally some excuse making about how my needs really aren’t that important and how this email I’m writing or this movie I’m watching is far more important than taking care of myself could ever be.  Maybe this is why for some years showering was difficult to get myself to do.  Sad, I know.  Like the eating though, I notice these thoughts quickly and challenge them… however, I am less advanced in some areas than others.  For example, I am good at challenging my thoughts in order to feed myself… but I’m not so skilled at challenging myself to remember that meditation or exercise are priorities over book reading, vacuuming or petting a cat.  I’m focusing on building these skills right now though and I am getting better.  I find myself challenging my reluctance to move when I’m reading a book by remembering that if my physical needs are satisfied (like exercise) that I will enjoy the book MORE!  Besides, I’ve read five chapters today or something anyway.  I can spare a half hour or an hour to get up and move. 

An idea that has helped me a lot in this area is something I got from a book series (the first book is called “The Blade Itself” – awesome fantasy if you’re into it!).  There is one character who is always reminding himself that it is better to face something than to live in fear of that thing.  So I’m trying to enjoy reading some magazine, but I keep having intrusive thoughts about the massive pile of dishes that aren’t clean that I’ve been avoiding for a day or two.  In this kinda case, this idea of it being better to face a thing really comes in handy.  To be clear, I wouldn’t recommend taking this idea (or any idea for that matter) to a dangerous extreme.  Trying to pressure yourself into doing self-harmful or destructive things by using this idea isn’t self-loving or productive.  But, I’m sure ya’all already new that, yes?  The point here is to use this idea to motivate folks to do self-loving things and take good care of themselves. 

I remember the horrifying realization that self-care was my last priority – period.  This was before I could challenge the thoughts… and it felt so shameful.  ANYTHING was more important than taking care of me.  I wasn’t worth the time anyway – or so I thought.  Do any of ya’all feel that way some times? 

The truth is that whoever you are – you deserve self-care.  You deserve nourishment and rest and challenges and movement and fun.  Like Sas said, self-care begets self-care.  Often giving yourself some care helps you feel like you are more worthy of it.  It is a lovely snowball effect. 

–AngryGrayRainbows