Today, writing this post is hard. I feel like facing this topic may cause me to start crying and never stop. Sometimes it is like this.
What hurts more than anything is that if any of the four people who were supposed to be parents to me (I also have steps) read this, they would think I’m deluded and just making this up for attention. The thought makes me want to break stuff… and it also makes me feel guilty, when I am the last person who deserves the guilt in this situation.
I got this book to sharpen my Excel skills a few weeks ago. My Excel skills are already pretty darn good, but why not make them even more impressive? But, it is so hard to open that book. It is so hard to learn certain things. “He’s going to hit me,” says my brain. I hardly even know which “he” I’m talking about, but the thought of this mysterious he hitting me keeps me from trying to learn too much. “I’m so stupid anyway… what do I wanna learn anything for? What would I do with anything I learned? I can’t apply anything anyway, because I’m such an idiot.” Gotta love the old tapes in my head. *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* Agh, it hurts… the thoughts, not the desk.
My brain can be exceptionally vicious sometimes. Right now I’m afraid of touching the Excel book, because I’m sure someone is going to beat me with it. Someone is going to scream in my ear. Someone will take me by the throat painfully and start smacking me. Who the heck do I think I am that I can achieve ANYTHING?
My mind gets so loud that it is hard to learn anything sometimes…
I managed to crack the book a few times over the past week. The only way I could absorb any information was to read the words in my mind as LOUDLY as possible in order to outshout all the other stuff in my head… also, working to enunciate words slowly and loudly (in my head) took a lot of mental energy and didn’t leave much juice left for the angry voices in my head to run on. I have been proud that I was even able to get that much done… to learn what I did learn. Now I find myself afraid to even think of the book. It is like the poison my parents put in my mind is always looking for new ways to screw me up just in case I overcome some small part of their sabotage. Oooo… that makes me so mad!
I’ve overcome my learning block to a certain extent. I can now read non-fiction that isn’t relevant to my career. I can easily learn things like how to beat a video game and I learned how to paintball pretty fast. I have healed to the extent that I can easily (most of the time anyway) learn to do things that my step-father wouldn’t be impressed with. Things he would’ve simply said are useless… like learning about Chinese navigational history or how to be the awesome X-box nerd that I am. I am overwhelmed when I try to learn something that he would call “productive.” Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a cage of only doing “unproductive” things, because I don’t want to deal with the abusive ghosts in my head.
I suppose that it is time to remember that my step-father, today, is supportive of me in most ways. In recent years, it has become easy to impress him. Things have changed. He has changed. He weirdly doesn’t even remember what he did to me or why. I’m just glad not to have to hear the screaming or to be afraid of being thrown around just for walking through a room. It also helps that I am 30 and live 400 miles away from him, even if he still was the raging monster that he used to be.
Maybe it is time to counter the abusive voices in my head with supportive ones… voices that tell me that I can achieve this, that I am worthy and capable… I am smart and talented…
Sometimes the rise of the abusive voices in my head is so shocking that the thought of countering or challenging them doesn’t even occur to me… well, it’s occuring to me now and that is what is important.
If I hear my step-father’s or bio-father’s voices in my head, why do I listen anyway? They never seemed like they had their fingers on the pulse of reality anyway. I was constantly told that I was stupid and lazy (among other things) and yet I disproved them every day. I HAVE achieved – despite these jerks. It strikes me as some kinda miracle actually that I have achieved as much as I have. Now I remember that I am a survivor. Yeah, I am a survivor… it almost tears me up to remember this after so many weeks now of feeling (more so than usual) like I am so useless.
If I had a friend in my shoes right now, I would ask her why she would even find these voices in her head credible. How does it make any sense to listen to the rantings of insane, bullies with untreated mental illness who didn’t know any better than to treat cruelly those who are more vulnerable than they are??! It DOESN’T make sense! It’s time to tell those voices how full of crap they are… Wish me luck, friends. Wish me courage. Today, I am going to try to gain some ground against this struggle I’ve been up against that has reared its ugly head again so recently…
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I’m wishing you all the luck and courage in the world in this struggle, and I’m sending you some of my stubbornness (I have tons of it so can spare some of it for you). It’s my stubbornness that has let me overcome that voice in my head that tell me nothing I ever do is good enough (it sounds a lot like my mother, who was never satisfied with anything I did, I could always have done it better if I had just tried harder). I’ve been told I can teach mule tricks on being stubborn *g*, and that’s what has let me hang in there and keep learning how to do new things. In fact, that stubbornness has led me to always wanting to learn new things, new ways of doing things (well, that, and the fact that I get bored doing the same things the same ways all the time so it seems like I have to learn something new to counteract the boredom). I also found that learning new things was so helpful in getting and keeping jobs. One of the things I always emphasized when I was looking for a job was that I was willing to learn new things, learned them quickly, and mastered them well. It also helped that, when I got bored with the job I knew really well, I could ask to learn other jobs within the company. Just to, you know, help out (well, that’s what I told them. My ulterior motive was to know enough jobs in the company that if they ever decided to let people go, I wouldn’t be one of them because I could fill in wherever I was needed). And that also helped silence that voice in my head that kept telling me how useless I was, that I could never do anything well enough.
Vesta,
Thank you so much! Sending me your stubbornness is brilliant… you reminded me that one of my greatest strengths is stubbornness… and knowing you’re thoughts are with me is also extremely helpful.
Since I wrote this post, I have been able to study Excel and I have been able to do productive things with minimal PTSD intrusion. It helped me to remember some of the times I stubbornly stuck through learning things when it felt like the whole world (and MY whole world prolly WAS) was telling me that I couldn’t. Like… when I took on calculus and got an A… or when I taught myself basketball after a year of being ignored by my gradeschool basketball coach.
Thank you for your support and stubbornness, Vesta.
Wonderful post!
As usual, I can relate, ESPECIALLY this part;
“I’m just glad not to have to hear the screaming or to be afraid of being thrown around just for walking through a room. ”
and this;
“…bullies with untreated mental illness who didn’t know any better than to treat cruelly those who are more vulnerable than they are??! ”
I like how you said that b/c you’re older and far away that it seems like it’s the only way they can be normal ppl to you.
Also, I believe at least for my part, it’s b/c they’re just too old now and don’t have the energy or care much.
Convenient, huh?
One more thing, italicize, teach me?
Hey HM!
I’m sorry to hear you can relate… at the same time, I’m glad my experiences could offer your some validation. Hugs hugs.
Regarding your last question… to clarify… you wanna know how to italicize in your comments? If so… you just select the words or letters you want italicized and press Control and the letter “i” at the same time. 😀 If you meant something else, let me know and I will try my best to answer your question!