The last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling a little down. I’ve noticed I don’t have that hitch in my giddy-up like I have had in the past. My feelings have been somewhat numbed and things just seem unimportant to me. I know what depression is and, although I’m on my depression meds, I can feel a bout coming on.
I’ve gotten pretty concerned about this in the past couple of days and I started trying to discover what got me to this place. My thought processes led me to see that last month and this month were both difficult for me due to reminders of my mom who died of cancer in April of 2004. Her birthday was in April, she died in April and then we had Mother’s Day this month. I know for a fact that this has contributed to my feelings of melancholy but I know that’s not all of it.
I’ve also been dealing with some physical pain the past couple of months. My sciatica has been acting up, I broke my left foot and the most recent was going to the doctor with severe swelling in my left leg (which led to tests concluding there were no blood clots and my leg was “just swollen”). So yeah, that’s probably contributed to my feelings of being down.
My being limited on activity due to my physical pains have also affected me in a negative way. Not being as mobile as I would like to be is a bummer.
I realize that all these things play a part in how I’ve been feeling but the realization I had today was life changing.
In the past couple of weeks I have actually been contemplating going on a diet. Not just a “lifestyle change” (that cracks me up) but a full blown, count the calories, fat, fiber, write it all down, weigh in all the time DIET.
The process went sort of like this: when I first started considering going on a diet, my moods started changing.
Last week as I started putting into place my “plan” on how to proceed, my feelings numbed. I lost interest in things and I started “avoiding” my husband.
Last night I wrote some things down about how I’d like to do this (notice it took me a couple of weeks just to talk myself into making up a plan) and this morning I woke up almost distraught but I couldn’t figure out why.
Just thinking about dieting had me falling deeper and deeper into depression.
Just before I went to sleep last night, I began reading my new book, Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere. I’m so glad I did that because when I made my realization this afternoon about dieting leading me down that rough down hill road, I went immediately to my favorite blog by one of the co-authors of the book, Kate Harding’s Shapely Prose.
OMG! I needed today’s rant so badly! It hit the spot. My course has changed and I’m no longer even considering going on a diet. The reasons I had used to rationalize going on a diet were completely dispelled when I read that blog. (Other blogs have greatly contributed to my health and they’re on the side of our page.)
I know now that I wasn’t really headed for a depression but I most definitely knew in my subconscious that going on a diet was not what I needed to do. I believe my body was trying very hard to get my attention and tell my brain that dieting is not the the way to go. I just needed to give my body the chance to communicate to my brain and when I did, everything came together in my heart and it’s like a weight has been lifted from me (no pun intended).
I’ve actually absorbed some of the great things I’ve read in the fat-o-sphere and in my books and from people who know what they’re doing. I have squashed an attempt by my brainwashed brain to do something so futile as dieting and I am damn proud of that fact. Three years ago, I would’ve been walking into the local Weight Watchers meeting, plunking down my money and filling out my paperwork. Progress. Pure progress!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I am so glad you were able to access the book and get online and realise what was going on for you. Kudos to you! And thanks for sharing your vulnerability. I hope you are feeling better soon. I lost my mum in 1993 to cancer and I find Mother’s Day through to July (when she died) the hardest.
I think you noted a really interesting and important point in your post…. how you change when you start thinking about dieting… how you get more depressed and start avoiding your husband. I’ve noticed the same things with me, but never really put my finger on it until you wrote it here. Diets just aren’t worth it.
In my experience, diets come from such a place of non-acceptance that they make it impossible to live life and enjoy right now… cuz they don’t except reality. The good things that diets are supposed to bring are in the future… and the future is ALWAYS not NOW, so life is eternally on hold… at least until we decide to accept what IS. Hmmm…
Thanks for making me think – as you always do!
I think you are so brave and awesome for writing this post!
What an uplifting post. I am so happy for your realization.
May is hard for me too. My mother died the TH before Memorial Day. We had a lot of fun together during her last month including my daughter’s birthday, Mother’s Day and a nice day at home. I do miss her. She was a great lady so it is always bitter-sweet.
Oh bri, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s tough sometimes, isn’t it? I am glad that despite those sad feelings I finally did come upon what was really hurting me. Thanks.
AGR, loved the point you made about the “future”. You’re right…so the diet is supposed to help us in the future but what do we do in the meantime? In the here and now? We must live our life and stop depending on diets to answer all of life’s mysteries. Excellent point. Thanks for sharing that!
JR, you know that I’m right there with you on the grieving process. Certain days are harder to deal with than others but with friends like you guys, I’m better able to cope and I hope you feel that way too.
I forgot to share something else that I found was really interesting. When I had finally decided I was going to put my diet into place, I texted my hubby and told him I was going on a diet. You know what his reply was? “Why?” hahahahaha I guess what I’ve been talking about for so long has sunk in more with him than with me. hahahaha
~sas