Pardon me as I go off on a psychological journey today. I’ve been wrestling with this the past couple of days and I think blogging about it might help.
I have a hole in my heart. Sometimes it’s big and sometimes it’s small. It’s gotten bigger the last few days and I’ve been trying to fill it.
Let me explain. Both of my parents are deceased and I have one sister. My sister is almost 12 years older than me and we’ve never been close. My parents never insisted we be close and that’s exactly how we turned out. I think my parents actually meant for us to be distant and, if I were to go by my gut feelings, I would say that my sister was like a black sheep in our family. I have no memories of my life before the age of six except for one memory where I was 3 years old. I was drowning in a pool and my sister was standing right beside me and a stranger had to jump in and pull me out.
So here we are in 2009…I’m 45 and my sister is 56. I have a niece and nephew, both in their 20’s, who I really know nothing about. I found my niece on facebook a month or so ago and have tried to chat with her through it but she’s not very willing. A couple of weeks ago I asked her how her mom was (my sister) and she said, “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her.” Does this mean her mother has done the same to my niece as my parents did to us? Are my niece and nephew distant from family just as we were taught to be? Yesterday I saw my niece online and tried to start chatting but she would not respond.
I’m hurt. I have a hole in my heart…or maybe several holes. The holes are shaped like my mom, my dad, and my sister and her family. The holes represent the love I’m not getting from my family or the love I can’t get from my family. How do I fill those holes? Well, I’ve been filling them (or so I thought) with food lately. I’ve been stuffing myself to fill that need that has been so strong lately. I’ve been eating anything and everything that isn’t tied down. I’ve been grabbing things to fill up my body to the point of pain and exhaustion to take away or numb the pain of feeling unloved. Food is love? Pish posh! Food is food!
I told AGR yesterday that I needed to talk and, as always, she listened. The first thing I said was, “I overate.” Without hesitation she responded, “everybody overeats.” That was that. She was right. Everyone overeats. I was judging myself and cursing myself because I had done something that everyone else does at some point or another. Her response snapped me out of that self disgust pretty quickly but then it also let me know that I really needed to dig into why I was overeating. No, not to judge myself harshly or to accuse myself of doing anything bad, but to understand what was going on inside my heart, body and mind.
Those holes in my heart? They’re there, there’s no denying that. How I respond to them, however, is something I need to deal with. I’m going to think on this more today but one of the first things I think I need to do is talk to my husband about what’s going on with me. He can be a great listener and I plan on asking for some cuddle time too. I plan to journal some after work and I plan to sit on my back patio with my furry critter and relax.
I’m not sure how it will turn out but I’m also thinking about calling my sister tonight and just seeing if she will talk to me. I need to really think that through though. My fear is that the call won’t live up to the expectations I have and I don’t want to crash. I don’t want to get hurt.
Well, there it is. I feel like I’ve turned my insides out for all the world to see but any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
sas – I think you have to do what feels right for you, but if your sister (and your niece and nephew) don’t want to keep in touch, there really isn’t much you can do about it other than accept it and try to move on.
I had to do that with my family, basically write them off as a total loss, and make my own family with my son and his wife, my grandkids, and my husband and his family. I still wish, sometimes, that I could have a normal relationship with my family (and that would be an exceptional thing since our relationship when I was a kid was anything but normal), but it just isn’t going to happen, and I’m not losing any sleep over it. I have a good life with DH, and his family accept me (and they’re his step-kids from his last wife….lol..probably helps that they’re all adults with kids of their own).
I do sound kind of pitiful, don’t I? “Oh please, talk to me! Don’t leave me. Be my sister and not a stranger.” I think I’m grasping for this because she’s my only living blood relative. Sure, I have my husband and his mom and dad but that’s it. No children or step children. No grandparents and no cousins to speak of. I just feel “all alone”, you know?
I also know you’re right. I need to accept things the way they are…that just makes me so sad.
I feel for you, really, I can’t get over just how much I relate to these posts!!
I haven’t spoken to my maternal Grand Mother and Aunt whom I was EXTREMELY close with and her Daughter in well over 15 years. My Grandma could have passed away for all I know. I understand the distancing of the family thing and no matter how much the ones I am left with knowing, I do NOT want to do that to my kids.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, keep on truckin’ and Gods Bless!
i have a friend who was abandoned by her mother as a young girl. Her mother just left. Moved several states away and started a new family and a new life. She has half brothers and sisters she never me. She tried to reach out to them and they rejected her. She spent weeks telling me how hurt she was. Talking about the hole in her heart. Much like you.
My response may seem unkind but I care for this friend alot. She has a loving husband and friends who think she is amazing. I told her that she is waisitn emotions on someone who does not deserve it. A husband and a good friend can mean just as much as a blood releative. Blood only gets you so far. Just because a person is family doesnt mean you need them in your life. People you need in your life are people who make you feel good. who give back to you in return for the love you give them. If a person is making you feel bad and or empty…dont waste your emotion on them because they are undeserving.
There are people who have lost all family, children etc…and they still are happy. Look to what you do have in your life, not what you dont have.
My uncle is an alcoholic. He has worn out his welcome at each of his siblings homes over time. At his fathers funeral (my grandfather) he was hung over. His tie was askew and his hair was a mess. I fixed his hair and was straightening his tie when he told me I was the daughter he never had…that his brother (my father) always was the lucky one. I pointed out to him that his gaze was two narrow. He is so hung up on the fact that I am the daughter he never had that he does not realize that i am the niece he DOES have.
If we spend less time on our have nots and more time rejoicing in our haves – we will all be happier people.
I think if you want to make that phonecall, that you should. It’s possible her reception will be positive. But I would suggest doing it on a day when you don’t feel so vulnerable to potential rejection. Not that rejection wouldn’t hurt on any day, but some days are much worse than others. I wish you much luck.
I feel for you and you put to words what I also feel. A mom-sized hole in my heart.
You should call if you want to do so but can you let go of the outcome? Maybe before you actually do it you can journal about it and get centered. I would also sit in quiet and pray over it. I think if you do this it will work out whether you call or not and whether the outcome is positive or negative.
Hope this helps.
Love JennyRose
You are all awesome and I appreciate your candid responses.
A blog entry with only a few paragraphs does not begin to tell the whole story of my life with my family. I just really feel like I “need” my sister and it’s very possible she “needs” me. Although we aren’t close, when we are together we have a bond that is unspeakable. That bond is/was my abusive father.
I would really love to talk to my sister about her relationship with my father. I would love to know how she feels now that he’s dead. I want to know if he locked her in the bathroom for hours on end. I want to know if he hit her with a wooden paddle. I want to know if he called her a slut and a whore. I want to know if what my brother-in-law told me – that my sister is the way she is (alcoholic) because of my father – is true and how she feels about that. I want to know if he told her she was going to hell. I want to know, since she’s older than me, if she remembers things she can tell me about my first six years because I don’t remember anything.
I want to tell her that the physical and emotional abuse I suffered because of him has affected every facet of my life. I want to tell her that she’s not alone and that I know how she feels. I want to tell her that hating our father for what he did is not an unforgivable sin. I want to tell her it’s ok to take meds to help with the panic attacks and the depression and that it’s not shameful.
So having said that and feeling all warm and fuzzy about wanting to talk to her, I know in my heart that this will never happen. In fact, in the past I have tried to talk to my sister about these things and she doesn’t say much. I’ve asked her questions, letting her know that talking about it would help me with MY recovery, but she is not forthcoming with her experiences.
Typing that has made me realize that this is something “I” want, not something she wants. I’m being selfish in trying to get her to participate in a relationship or conversations that she is not willing or not ready to participate in.
I did call my sister on the phone tonight. It was a very “fake” conversation. Just small talk…nothing in depth. Same as always. My sister doesn’t reject me, she just seems very apathetic about our relationship. If I’m here, fine. If I’m not, that’s fine too. I started feeling a bit sorry for myself and then I came to the computer and read your responses and that pepped me up right away.
I did what I felt I should do and now I’m going to do another thing I need to do…count my blessings. So my sister could do without me…it’s not the end of the world. I have my health, my husband who loves me, my dog who adores me, my job that helps pay the bills, my neighbors who would do anything for me, my friends who have been there for me through thick and thin. I live in a nice home with a great back yard and two cars that run. I have in-laws who seem to love me and have accepted me as one of their own. I co-author a blog that is a wonderful place of acceptance and freedom! I could go on but you get my drift, right?
Food is NOT love! I don’t need food to fill those holes in my heart. As a matter of fact, I can feel them filling in as I type. Those holes can be filled by the responses I got here, the love of my husband and in-laws, the love I have for myself and the love I have of life. BUT, you know what? If I do turn to food, that’s not the end of the world either! I won’t chastise myself any longer for trying to cope with the situation at hand as best as I could.
Life is good! Bless you all! 🙂
That was an uplifting post. You have a lot of self-insight. I am guessing that your sister is not in recovery. Without recovery, I think we either rage about the past, sweep it under the rug or both. Your sister may be afraid to talk about the past. It is hard to accept things as they are but you have done a tremendous job of that and the result is inner peace.
Food is food – it can not substitute for something else ever.
Love however is not just love. There are many forms of love. And they are not equal.
Our english language does not explain them very well
The greeks had five different words for love
Storge – natural affection for your family
Eros – attractive and possessive love
Epithumia – lust or passion
Filio – love/friendship/to kiss
Agape- self sacrificing love, unself interested love
I think there is a hierarchy of love ( i have listed them in order from least important to most)
Storge, Eros and Epithumia can not replace Filio or Agape. Agape is the greatest of all.
Storge I find to be the lowest form of love…its what keeps a mother saying she loves her son when he is a mass murder or rapist.
eros is lust – where we get erotic from
Epithumia is a step beyound Eros
Filio is where Philidelphia comes from…brotherfly love
Agape – love given freely with no epectation of return.
This is why a young girl whose father treated her wrong or abandoned her will turn to other men to fill the hole. She is trying to fill an Agape size hole with Epithumia…and that wont work…like using pudding to fill a hole in a wall.
The beautiful thing about Agape is, the more you give out, the more filled you will be.
Now you have me singing “Count Your Blessing”
Those holes can be filled by the responses I got here, the love of my husband and in-laws, the love I have for myself and the love I have of life.
This. This is so much the way to filling the heart holes. Every time you feel overwhelmed with loss, sadness, and other things, remember this.
It’s very hard when family, the ones who are supposed to love and care for you turn their backs (for whatever reason). But you’ve surrounded yourself with people who love you and care for you.
It’s not quite the same as “family love”, but it really does help fill those holes. I’m glad you’ve got all those connections in your life!
I have a question for you, Sassy.
Does this distance between you and your relatives somehow make you feel like YOU are less-than… or like you did something wrong that they will not stay in contact with you more?
As you prolly know, I have hardly anything to do with my family either. I have cut off my bio-father’s family completely, because he is abusive and I cannot trust them to keep my location a secret. As for my mother’s family, most of them are like your sister. They don’t return phone calls. Hah! They don’t answer the phone unless they are stone drunk! They change their phone numbers and move without telling anyone. They don’t return emails. Nothing. Just every now and then one of them calls me or sends me an email and talks to me as if I was some kind of “brat” (often literally, some of them call me this) because I didn’t keep in touch with THEM??!!!! No joke.
I’ve been trying to remember what helped me find peace with not having any family connections… and I realized that it was cuz I didn’t blame myself. I know I’m awesome. If they don’t know it or don’t want to be around me, it’s their loss. Besides, many of them are really toxic and given the chance I doubt I’d want a super-close relationship with any of them anyway.
So… is there any merit to this idea that you are blaming yourself for your sister’s behavior?
If I’m way out in left field, just know that I’m rooting for you and I hope you feel better very soon!!
Thanks everybody for the support. I’ve been gone a few days because my computer at home crashed and I’ve been too busy at work to respond BUT…
AGR’s post hit a nerve for sure. However, it’s not exactly how she put it. This is what I’ve come up with. It’s not that “I’m blaming myself” or that “I” did anything to make my sister not want to be around me. It’s more like I’m trying to prove to her that “what our parents said about me to turn her against me is not true”. I feel like my parents purposely turned us against each other.
I know that my parents always told me that my sister was the “rebellious one” who was considered the “black sheep” of the family. I wonder sometimes what they said about me behind my back. I actually think they made me out to be a saint (which I certainly was not) and turned her against me that way….like she couldn’t live up to my standards. BAH HAHAHAHA
I hate that. I really do. I’ve really tried to get closer to my sister for about the last fifteen years now and I’m just tired. I think my parents did a lot of damage to us individually as well as to us being siblings. I see that as a real shame but I guess it’s time for me to stop expecting her to see me as anything different than what she believes me to be. I will continue to email her and keep her updated on my life and I will send cards and occasionally call her but I just can’t continue to practically beg her to be the sister I want.
This brings me back to a night a few years ago when I got a call from my brother-in-law, her husband, and he was telling me she was an alcoholic and that our dad had “made her that way”. He was livid and said he didn’t know what to do…he didn’t know whether to stay with her and work it out or leave (he’s obviously decided to stay) but I thought, “what the hell am I supposed to do about this??!? She won’t talk to me!! I’ve tried!!!” I guess he really just needed someone to talk to but neither one of them have acted like they really wanted anything to do with me until something like that happens.
I’m vowing from now on, to realize that she is my sister by blood but it’s been her choice not to have me around more in her life. It’s her choice not to call or write. I can do about this what I want to do and then let it go.
Thanks for listening everyone!
~sas
I really relate to that feeling of being so tired of trying to get closer to a relative. I feel for you, my friend.
I wonder if your bro-in-law wanted to talk to you, because your wife shuts him out to some extent as well. It’s a thought anyway.
The important bit to remember is that we can’t cure people. I wish we could, but we can’t. Your sister is making her own choices right now (like you said) and if she doesn’t let you in her life then it’s her loss.
You’ve got so many good things going on in your life and you’ve worked so heart to heal your heart and soul. You have a lot to be proud of. I wonder if some of what you feel is survivor’s guilt…