Over in the Fat Fantasies thread, some talk on struggling with mirrors came up and I feel it deserves it’s own post, as in my experience so many women (and men too!) struggle with mirrors. How many of ya’all struggle with mirrors? How upset can your own reflection make you? Dressing room mirrors used to reduce me to tears. Of course, it never helped that on top of my struggling with my reflection that it was (and still is) ridiculously hard to find clothes for my body.
I started my work on getting over my own reflection years ago… and I learned that the mirror sure does lie. Not only that, my own perception of myself can distort what I really look like anyway. One of the first lesssons about mirrors I remember was standing in front of the mirror and changing my self-talk. First, I would look at myself in the mirror without any preparation. Usually, I was horrified by what I saw. My eyes went right to every flaw and I seemed to refuse to see anything other than the flaws in my body. I usually did this in my office ladies room and, in the office, my self-talk could get pretty, which made my self-perception – even of my own reflection – far more cruel.
After I took my first look in the mirror and went through being horrified and all that, I would look away from the mirror (or close my eyes) and change my self-talk. I would tell myself that I was a smart person… clever, kind, thoughtful, witty, intuitive, funny and all-around a great person. I would take some deep breaths. I would remind myself that I am worthy of good things in my life. I would open my eyes and look in the mirror again… and, I looked different. I was no longer horrified by what I saw in the mirror. Often, I actually LIKED what I saw in the mirror! However, some days were just so bad in regards of self-loathing that the best reaction I could get out of myself was neutrality towards my own reflection, as opposed to complete horror.
I also started other little things that I hoped would teach me to at least tolerate my own reflection and maybe even appreciate it. When I was at the gym, if my reflection caused the horrified reaction, I would blur my vision so that I couldn’t see all the flaws that my mind obsessed on. Over the months, I would play with unblurring my view of myself and seeing what my reaction was… over time, it became far better. At this time, I was into kickboxing and sometimes I would practice at home… so, I would practice so that I could see my own shadow and so I learned to appreciate seeing my shadow moving and kicking and punching. This to me was like a baby-step in learning to deal with my reflection.
The most helpful thing I ever did though was telling myself that I wasn’t seeing ME in the mirror. What if the reflection was of a friend or some loved-one? What if that was the reflection of my daughter? Would I think such cruel and self-hating things then? No… I wouldn’t. I realized that my horror at my own reflection wasn’t about the way I looked. It was about how I felt about myself. This became clear when I imagined that the reflection was of someone else and then I found it perfectly acceptable or even attractive! From this I realized how very important the way we think about ourselves is and how distorted our views (literally) of ourselves can be.
When I was looking for a picture (at DeviantArt) for this post, I saw one that was captioned, “the mirror doesn’t lie.” I used to beat myself over the head with this cliche. I used it to convince myself that the horror in the mirror deserved punishment and derision. The truth is that mirrors CAN lie. Lighting and the glass of a mirror can be set-up specifically to be unflattering. I swear some stores use this on purpose… especially those stores I used to shop in when I was in my late-teens and early-twenties (ie: Express). Even if the mirror isn’t set-up to distort, one’s own perception can distort a reflection to painful degrees.
Whatever you look like… whoever you are… your mirror reflection is just as lovely as that flower’s reflection at the top of this post – whether you are able to see this or not. Ultimately, your own loathing of your own reflection isn’t even about what you look like. It’s about what you think of WHO YOU ARE and, if you think fat makes you this or that kind of person, then your thoughts about who you are may be hiding behind the idea that you don’t like your reflection because your are fat. I learned long ago that icky body thoughts are almost never truly about the body. It can take some time to change the way we react to mirrors and the way we think about ourselves, but OMG… it is so worth it.
If you think about yourself more lovingly before and while looking into a mirror, does your perception of yourself change? Give it a shot! I totally dare you. 😉
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Never had a problem with looking at my body in mirrors, but for the past few months my face has started breaking out like crazy (out of nowhere, I have no idea what caused it). I just started taking Accutane and am hoping it clears the problem, but in the meantime the mirror in my bathroom is covered up. The only mirror in my house is one in my bedroom that I use to put on makeup. When I’m outside I avoid reflective surfaces and when I’m driving in the car it’s a constant battle to check the mirrors for safety WITHOUT checking out my face.
I hate mirrors.
I hear you. I had acne on and off until I was 30… and I only turned 30 last year. I think in my case it was genetic. My biological father told me that when I turned 30 my pimples and acne would go away… and they did. It’s funny how that works.
I have a question for you if you’re up for it… this kinda question is the kind that usually helps me get past stuff like the acne/mirror challenge you’re having now…
When you look in the mirror and see the acne, what do you think the acne says about you? Do you think it says anything about who you are?
I bring this up because many people equate the way a person looks with their intelligence or morality and stuff… even when it comes to something that most people CANNOT HELP – like acne. It is so unfair to judge yourself as somehow less-than just cuz of acne…
Maybe I’m way out in left-field and you don’t have this issue. 😉 Just throwing it out there, cuz I know a lot of people (including myself) struggle and have struggled with this.
Really? I had given up hope on my skin ever clearing up when it didn’t at 25.
You never know. Some people have acne into their forties and maybe their whole lives for all I know… but it was pretty weird how mine cleared up in my 30th year just like the relative that I very much resemble told me.
i really never had acne UNTIL i was 30.
I seriously dont think acne and wrinkles should have to be delt with at the same time. But maybe its the anti wrinkle cream thats creating the acne? Also – grey hair I could deal with…but silver hair – that reflects light as if it was truelly metallic…totally unfair. Getting old sucks…and I am only 32.
I blame my sons. I was much younger before they showed up.
Funny, I was just looking in the mirror. I was thinking of Marianne’s post and trying to look at different angles.
Thank you for this thinkiness.
I also need to thank you for your inspiration for my last post. I think some things you wrote percolated a bit and came out in my dance class. You are in my mind! I don’t mind!
Sometimes, I wish that it were actually possible for me to see myself through someone else’s eyes. Sometimes I can kinda sorta do that. I often wish my friends could see themselves through my eyes — love, love, love.
Whooo hoooo! I’m glad to hear I could inspire a post. I think we have some circle of inspiration going on… you inspire me… so I post about something you said… then what I say inspires you… and so on…
Of course, your latest post about dancing has yet again inspired me. I love that bit about dancing your thoughts!
I get this. I don’t really have trouble with mirrors unless I happen upon them unexpectedly–like store windows or something. Its photographs that get me. But I’ve done more in the way of self-portraits over time, and through practice, I’ve learned to see myself with kinder eyes. It’s been really good for me, on so many levels.
Oh yeah.. the photo thing… I had that one too… and every now and then I still have it. Every now and then my bf takes some pic of me and I ask him, “do I really look like THAT??”
You have a lot to be proud of in developing kinder eyes. I know from experience and from what I hear from so many other folks with the same struggles that it takes a lot of hard work and courage to make even progress on this issue. Bravo for you!!!
i hate photographs of myself.
My tattoo photos – carefully chosen are the only ones I like. I have new tatts which are not up because I cant get them past the delete button. Most of my family photos are of my husband and children. And when I see photos friends have took i often try to get them to delete or unpost them. I hate pictures of myself because…i dont think i look like that. i like parts of myself but hate looking at the whole.
I’m actually usually pretty okay with my bathroom mirror. It’s random mirrors in public that are like a kick in the teeth, because there are usually thin people reflected in them too. There was this one store, I think it was a Linens ‘n’ Things, that had mirrors all over the place inside and I refused to go in. Nowadays, I often have to wait for an elevator with mirrors between the elevators (I know, I should really be climbing the 19 flights of stairs with 50 pounds of books and computer, then I wouldn’t be so damn fat /snark) and I always have to align myself so that I can’t see my reflection.
Everyone is replying with stuff I can relate too!!! Sheesh!!!
I can relate to this as well.
I could do okay in my bathroom mirror (when I was at my body hating worst), cuz I couldn’t see below my neck anyway… but if I saw myself in a mirror with other people too… I felt like some kinda freak. Everyone else seems so normal, but I felt that I was monstrous. And, it wasn’t even about my weight. I could see women who were far fatter than me and still think that they looked great, while I felt that I was some kinda horror on legs.
It goes to show… other people prolly aren’t nearly as judgy about us as we think they are.
LOL on the snark! hahahahahahaha
This is an awesome post! I love it.
Thanks Pewter!
Ahhh – i just saw your name! I love Pewter Cat…thats awesome.
The only problem I have had with mirrors since high school is that I’m actually terribly attracted to myself and might run into things while walking or on my bicycle because I’m not paying attention to where I’m going because there’s a wall of shiny reflective glass just off to my left.