I will admit something that I haven’t wanted to admit, because I am a size-acceptance blogger. But, I’ve found the best solution to any secret is to air it out, besides, I can’t have ya’all thinking I’m perfect or something. I’m not. I’m not even sure that I’ll EVER not have unhelpful thoughts about size in my life, though I am committed to challenging the unhelpful stuff when it comes up.
My admission is that some days, when the depression and/or PTSD gets really bad, the only way to get myself to even move out of my defensive crounch (literally, off the couch) is to tell myself that getting up and doing something will burn calories – ie: make me thinner. I don’t use my reactiveness to the idea of being thinner to do anything unhealthy or hurtful. I’ve only ever used it to motivate myself to meditate, wash the dishes or walk the cats. I’m not above using whatever avenues I know work to get myself actually living life. I’ve found that once I get up off the couch and out of my crouch that my “need” for becoming thinner to do anything disappears. I start appreciating living life and doing things – whatever my size. In other words, I become my normal size-accepting self likety-split.
While I’m happy that I was able to take something that I didn’t like (my mind responding to thinness as motivation to do anything) and turn it to my advantage, I’ve also been trying to challenge my mind. I’ve spent much time sitting quietly and listing all the things that I might be equating thinness to, so that I can see what it is that I really want, because I understand that thinness is only short-hand for some other desire. Tapping into the least accepting part of my brain and asking it what thinness meant came up with the usual list of traits that a lot of people think equate to thinness, but in reality they don’t equate to any size at all. Thinness meant strength, discipline, intelligence, open-mindedness, morality, etc. So, I tried using these words instead of thinness and my mind didn’t bite. Finally, I discovered one more word that I attached to thinness. It took me two weeks to dig-up this word I was attaching to thinness – BEAUTY. Bingo! Breakthrough!
Some part of my mind has been equating beauty with thinness, but I knew in a millisecond that I don’t really believe that beauty requires thinness or even Hollywood approved or conventional beauty. Beauty is everywhere. It was in the rain drops that seemed to turn three leaf clovers in the front yard into lace yesterday. Beauty is in the smiling middle-aged woman at the bakery at the local grocery store. She always has a smile for me and a big, hearty wave. Beauty is in the people I see all over the place whenever I go out. Beauty is in self-care, self-love and living life. Beauty isn’t thinness… I know that right off the bat. 😉
So, I accessed the part of my mind that becomes dominant when I’m super-depressed or having flashbacks or whatever and gave it the word beauty to munch on instead of thinness and it worked! I had the same reaction of feeling motivated to do things and get out of my defensive crouch that the idea of “thinness” created before! Whooo hooooo! This is a lovely triumph for me, cuz even if I know better than to think that burning calories is the answer to finding happiness or true motivation, I believe that words matter. I believe that if I were allow to let the idea of thinness to continue to have this power over me that eventually some parts of me might start to buy into that idea in a deeper way and that is a place I am not willing to go. Even if some parts of me understand that I don’t really buy into the fantasy of being thin (FOBT), I also know that it is the nature of other parts of my mind (and the minds of humans in general…) to take the words I use on myself very literally. It’s better not to go there.
My plan at this point, when my defensive crouch seems impossible to get out of, is to remind myself that getting up and living causes real beauty and real living… and then to remind myself what real beauty is… self-care, self-love, compassion, thoughtfulness, allowing myself to be the REAL ME, etc.
Among all the other good things that I think are helpful about this story, I also think it is really important to point out that patience with yourself can be so important. Sometimes it is really important to be able to fail time and time again and still be able to try in good spirits. I was starting to wonder if I would ever figure out how to get around using thinness as a way to motivate the most fearful parts of my mind, because normally I process things much faster… but, I also knew that what was going on wasn’t acceptable and that I was going to work through it, if it took me 100 years. Sometimes patience is so important… and so is believing in yourself in the face of not yet succeeding with your goal.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
It’s amazing the subtle ways we manipulate ourselves. (and I don’t mean manipulate in the negative sense). It is wonderful that you found a new way to motivate yourself. It reminds me of what my therapist would tell me:
She said our minds were like a cow in a pasture. They tend to walk the same path over and over again to go to the same places. When we want change we have to step in front and say “WHOA COW! STOP!” and then walk the cow to the new path and the new destination. And we may be yelling “WHOA COW” a lot and repeating this step many times, but eventually the brain cow finds the new path on its own.
(okay – so I grew up on a cattle ranch and this imagery worked for me – lol cows are beautiful creatures!)
I find it so hard to break patterns of thought like that. When ever I have ‘I want to be thinner moments’ I don’t hate my fat, or the media that makes me feel bad, I go straight to thinking of myself as a bad person and blaming myself for everything that is wrong in my life.
Not that I’m perfect, but blaming myself never turned into taking responsibility for myself and actually doing anything about it. It took me years to have the ‘bingo’ moment of ‘if I’m the reason I’m so unhappy, then I’m the only one with the power to make myself happy again.’
That eureka/bingo moment early on translated into dieting/exercise, but these days it’s about my capabilities and what I am able to do.
There are so many minefields sitting in our own brains waiting to blow us up if we aren’t paying attention!
And you’re right; patience is a key factor in building a new personal vision. It took years – possibly decades – to internalize all the negative messages. You can’t work them out and cast them out on a whim. You have to keep looking at your assumptions and considering them.
What’s more, I think it’s important for those further along the path to be open about the fact that it’s not an easy one when you’re talking to new recruits to the world of body acceptance. Kudos to you both for your breakthrough and your courage in sharing it – warts and all – with all of us.
Thank you so much for the kudos, Twistie. It is really appreciated… especially after spending some time gnashing my teeth about whether to post or not to post.
I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that my brain is full of all sorts of things that could trip me up. I’ve found that this fact isn’t a big problem as long as I’m willing to be honest about my thoughts, not beat myself up about them and be willing to dig and process on them. I think that as long as we have the tools to work ourselves out of the occassional mires that things will workout… and if someone doesn’t have those tools yet, it is never too late to learn them. There is always hope.