Meditation is Awesome

I’ve been a meditator on and off for years now.  I learned to use visualizations when I read the Dalai Lama’s “Art of Happiness,” but it was Thich Nhat Hahn’s “Peace is Every Step” that got me into meditating.  Thich Nhat Hahn made meditation seem so normal and no longer intimidating.  He said to sit however we are comfortable and gave a few basic ideas on how to clear the mind, like simple mantras or just counting breaks… and even smiling can be a part of meditation!  Before I read “Peace is Every Step,” I was convinced that I had to be able to pull off a full-lotus position and be able to sit in perfect posture before I could even begin to think about meditation.  Hah!  Posture is not my strong suit and I am not sure it ever will be.  😉  I am a tall woman and I was a tall teenager.  Early on I started slouching to make myself look smaller, especially to make myself look smaller than whoever I was dating.  Fortunately today, other than a few not loving my body days, I love my height and it doesn’t bother me that I am something like a 1/2 inch taller than my husband.  Anyway… back to meditation…

I kept reading over the years about how people felt they has increased “pause” when they meditated regularly.  “Pause” is that crucial pause to reactivity in one’s own mind… like a space of pause to consider consequences before doing something compulsive or destructive.  I can’t say pause has been a strong suit of mine in my life.  On the one hand, I seem to be truly and deeply ADD’d.  On the other hand, I have PTSD and a step-father who raised me to believe that pause would get me screamed at, hit or humiliated.  In my case, I think my struggles with pause result from both nature and nuture.  My lack of pause has caused no end of problems in my life, especially when dealing with triggering situations and at the workplace.  I often didn’t have enough pause to consider that what I was doing wasn’t enjoyable at all and to think about alternatives… for example, getting stuck playing game after game on the x-box until my eyes crossed.  I always wondered why I would insist on doing things for hours on end that I hate.  I think now that I simply lacked the pause to realize that I didn’t like what I was doing in the moment (I almost exclusively realized that I didn’t like what I was doing after I was done doing whatever it was that I hated… hindsight and all that) or the pause to think about what I might like to do instead.  I have spent years trying various things to try to help myself get out of destructive cycles, even if they seem fairly harmless like a few hours of x-box stuff when I didn’t have any obligations that I had to do otherwise…  After I had realized what a drain on my mental, physical and emotional energy all this doing stuff I don’t even enjoy caused… and I’ve always wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t keep doing this to myself.  I am just starting to find out…

If it were not for the right medication combination to allow me to calm down enough to even be capable of meditation.  Before the right anti-depressant plus ADD med, meditation was sometimes something like torture.  I felt like I wanted to rip my skin off and run circles around my bedroom or something.  Sometimes, it seemed like some part of me couldn’t stop screaming in the back of my mind.  The good news is that most people (as far as I know) don’t react to meditation that way.  PTSD sometimes causes me to have some overblown reaction that takes some special work to overcome.  Yay PTSD.  *headdesk*  Even all spazzy like that, I still can say I was pretty inventive.  😀  If I couldn’t meditate normally in the middle of the day, I would wait until I started to get sleepyand would meditate when I was slower and quieter… and about to fall asleep.  I eventually learned to lay down an hour or so before I would actually fall asleep to get some meditation in… but, I’ve learned that falling asleep during meditation doesn’t give the same lovely effects that not falling asleep during meditation gives…  But, I give myself big pats on the back for doing what I could do.  That’s all we can do, eh? 

In recent months I built up a practice of meditating without having sleep or sleepiness have anything to do with it.  Whooo hoooooo!  I almost immediately started noticing the effects… more pause!  I find myself more easily stopping myself for going on some head splitting x-box binge.  I find myself thinking more before I speak… I am far better able to listen.  I find myself living a more fulfilling life, just because I have enough space in my mind to figure out what I’d rather do and to think more clearly about rewards and consequences. 

For me, I think (at least at this point) that meditation is important in that it makes space in my mind to think – as opposed to just reacting the majority of the time.  It’s easier to pause and think and consider… I don’t feel like I am so prone to getting stuck running in the same circles… know what I mean? 

So, ya’all!  What are you experiences with meditation?  Do you recommend any books or methods?  Do you struggle?  Have you had meditation break-throughs?  What does meditation bring to your life? 

I bring this topic up, because I have struggled with meditation for years.  I had some feeling that meditation was somehow important to me and I’ve spent years trying to work it into my life… to at least give it a fighting chance.  And sometimes… it even takes the right combo of meds to let someone be capable of simple meditation and to feel its effects.  I don’t know if meditaiton is for everyone.  I don’t believe everything is for everyone… or maybe meditation is universal… I don’t pretend to know.  For those of you who feel that drive to learn to meditate, I encourage you to keep trying.  It can be a truly lovely and helpful thing.  😉

–AngryGrayRainbows