No joke. I haven’t dieted in forever, but my weight has never seemed to settle… and it is ANNOYING the heck out of me! Am I the only one going through this?
I try to be patient. I know my body has it’s reasons for gaining and losing weight. Anti-depressants have had a lot to do with it. Last summer, one particular AD (anti-depressant) made me lose a lot of weight. I quit that AD, because it made me nervous (and even a bit paranoid after I had been on it for a while) and it made my throat close painfully when I was anxious. The throat closing thing has happened to me a lot on AD’s, especially when they are also anti-anxiety. Now I’m on another AD… this one, has made me gain a lot of weight. It also makes me constantly sleepy and some days I feel like I could sleep all day. Recovering from the burn-out of my previous job (that was toxic and icky) has helped with the sleepiness some, but some days it is really hard to stay upright. It’s a shame, cuz this particular AD works really well for me in every other respect than making me super-tired a lot of the time.
The weight going up and down thing wouldn’t but me so much, if I wasn’t constantly seeming to need new clothes in some new smaller or larger size. Agh, it is obnoxious and I don’t have the funds to buy myself a new wardrobe every time my body decides to switch things up. I used to throw out clothes that didn’t fit. It was the popular recommendation in the eating disorder community not to keep around your “thin” or “fat” clothes and I wanted to do things “right.” I’ve realized this thing isn’t right for me. Who knows what size I will be this winter or next summer! I need all the sizes I can keep, cuz I’m sick of replacing what got thrown out.
Today, I have a psychiatrist appointment. I’m going to ask to be put on the lowest dose possible of the AD I’m on currently to see if that makes the sleepiness manageable. I’m pretty sure the doc will be okay with that as I’m already on the 2nd smallest dose possible and my depression symptoms haven’t popped up in a significant way for a long time. For some odd reason, my taking ADD meds seem to have more to do with how depressed I’m feeling anyway. I am one of a minority (I am told) of people who get depression relief from ADD meds. I will be the first to say that being able to think straight really does help me not be depressed. Being able to complete a simple thought improves my quality of life GREATLY. Why this would be a rare reaction to ADD meds, I have no idea… seems like common sense to me. 😉 Ah well… who knows…
Right now, our bathroom has six hampers in it, each of which are full to brimming with clothes. We are lucky that we have a very large bathroom. When we were both working full-time (and a lot of over-time to boot!), I couldn’t rationalize washing, drying and folding clothes that don’t fit me… nor was I going to throw clothes out that are too big or too small for me now, when I know darn well that my body could gain or lose a few sizes and I could end up regretting throwing that stuff out. It is time to wash the clothes and I think I know what to do with them. I will box and bag them and label them with sizes, so they will be available to me if my body changes in the future. If I finally settle at some weight (and I mean really settle… like for more than a few months!), I will be more than happy to get rid of those things that don’t fit whether those clothes are bigger or smaller. I don’t care. I’m just tired of trying to find myself yet another waredrobe…
I also suspect that some of my weight fluxuations could have something to do with eating disorder recovery. Who knows what I’ve done to my metabolism or what it needs to go through to heal and all that…
Has anyone else been here… ya know… practicing IE and HAES and eating well and what my body wants and all that, but still weight yoyoing?
Honestly, it has taken me more than a little fortitude to be able to recognize (and post about) the fact that one’s weight going up and down is associated with all sorts of health problems, when my weight has been doing this my whole life. My weight used to go up and down according to my eating disorder… but now, I’m living a really great life (and a healthy one!) and yet my weight is still all over the map. I keep reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can and that no one could ask for more from me… and maybe if I post about my experiences, other people in similar boats will realize they’re not alone.
Maybe I’ll luck out and stabilize this year or next year… it would be nice to be able to wear the same clothes two years in a row…
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
dear AGR,
yes – i have been practicing HAES for a long time. i DO have trouble with compulsive eating, which i have been working at curing for 20 years! ! ! and yes – my weight goes up and down and i must say mostly up!
the AD i’ve been on for about 10 years does cause weight gain, but i have no other side effects. it’s an antidepressant/antianxiolytic (i think that’s the word) – it works for my panic disorder as well as for depression. without it my life would REALLY be a mess.
so i too have clothes in several sizes. and i hate being this big – i am supersized and it is amazingly inconvenient. that being said, i love me, i do care for my body, and i think i am pretty much an amazement…. i think having all the clothes IS actually a way of caring for ourselves.
good topic, man. i find weight loss or weight gain extremely scary and stressful!
peace
kcd
I hear you on not having to buy a new wardrobe every few months. That is a pain and you have a good reason for saving clothes. I have heard women on thyroid condtion have the weight gain/loss problem often until the meds finally settle in.
The great news is you are complaining from the perspective of a person who doesn’t have an ED. You are griping, and rightly so, about legitimate wardrobe problems! Yay for you!
Have you tried Old Navy – they seem to have reasonable prices. It is a real bonus for me when I find the right resale shop.
No eating disorder, but weight changes with life circumstances. Increased stress, decreased sleep, more sitting make weight go up. More activity in daily activities, more sleep, weight might go down. Plus I fluctuate a lot day-to-day from water weight, that may be hormonal.
If it’s what’s happening to you, it’s normal for you. Just keep lots of types of clothing around unless it seems to settle out for a long time.
Hi AGR,
First off, a hug for your beautiful and amazing body
(((((((AGR)))))))
“I need all the sizes I can keep, cuz I’m sick of replacing what got thrown out.”
The clothes I have in my closet range from a size 18 to a size 24/26. If that tells you anything. Not counting pregnancy, my weight has been within about a 25 pound range in the past five years, and I’m currently in about the middle of that range, where most of my clothes except for the smallest fit me. Which is nice. It’s also nice when am a bit bigger, and I have still have clothes that fit. What I don’t have are clothes that fit well when I’m at the very top of my range. And at the lower end, I don’t like to buy clothes that fit me because when I’m being honest, I know I don’t stay there for long. So I completely ignore this “rule.”
And, I’m told, I’m a stylish dresser. I get tons of compliments on this one skirt I bought about 18 years ago at a JC Penny Outlet for like $15 that has an elastic waist and almost always fits me.
One thing that has worked for me is when I find something I’m pretty sure I’m going to like, and it goes with whatever is fitting me in my closet at the moment, I try to buy it. So, I’m adding inexpensive pieces to my wardrobe all of the time, not only when my size changes. I do tend to buy things that aren’t as fitted because I know that there’s about a 10 pound range I tend to fluxuate in. I also hold onto things that other people might give up on sooner than I would, because it might fit differently when I’m a different shape or size.
I remember allowing myself to feel sad about a particular skirt I love being too big, but not getting rid of it because I love it, not being afraid that having bigger clothes means I’m subconsiously wanting to be bigger (ridiculous). And there have been times since then that the skirt has both been too big and just right. It’s a wool skirt, in my trunk right now, waiting to be taken to the dry cleaner’s.
If you can stand it, you may want to go to a Ross or Marshalls or TJ Maxx for tops, and buy a few pairs of pants that you know are a good length for you that are a bit more pricey.
I recently bought a few items that I can wear to dance class at Ross so I felt like I was buying something special without spending a lot of money.
I wish we could go out shopping together! You could give me the short things and I could give you the tall things!
Also, in style right now are these knit jersey tops that are stretchy and flowy and flattering.
Congratulations on your patience, compassion for your body.
I don’t know how old you are, but the range my body went through really settled down once I was in my mid 30s until now. Between my early 20s and my late 20s, there were 100 pounds between my lowest and highest weights. Hmmm. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but that’s cool, how that has changed for me.
Let’s go shopping!!!! One of these days, we can get some airfare together and hit the mall… or the TJ Maxx. 🙂
I LOVE Marshall’s. The Marshall’s in my area have crappy plus-size sections in general… but last month, I found a Marshall’s that has a nice plus size section! It’s not all stuff that I saw my grandmother wear back in the 80’s… it actually looks wearable!
Also… for the first time today, I checked out Torid.com. Sure, all the bloggers talk about how great Torid is, but I was afraid I’d go there and find out there smallest size is too big for me. Their smallest size is a 12!!! Whooo hooooooo!!! I’m prolly something along the lines for a 14 – 18 depending how much they buy into the so-called “vanity-sizing.” I am DEFINITELY going to try Torid… their stuff is so cute! Plus, there models are ACTUALLY PLUS SIZED!!!! I forgot how good it was to see real plus-sized models modelling plus-sized clothes. 😀 It felt lovely.
It sounds like this is less extreme than what you are talking about, but I don’t diet and have not had an ED, but my weight changes in quite a cyclical way – lighter in summer, heavier in winter, heavier by a couple of kilos when I have my period, lightest half way through my cycle. This is normal for me. But because I am borderline between dress sizes anyway, it does mean that there are times when I can’t fit into half the clothes in my wardrobe, and times when they fit just perfectly and the other half are too baggy.
Also, when you say you know it is traditionally thought of as unhealthy for people recovering from an ED to keep clothes that don’t fit, I bet that’s because it suggests you are still hoping to go back to that weight. So keeping clothes that are too small AS WELL as clothes that are too big must cancel each other out, right? If you are keeping both, that can’t possibly be because you hope to (both) gain and lose weight, so really it is a healthy acknowledgement of your body’s realities, and acceptance of whatever it might choose to do.
Good point about the big clothes and the small clothes cancelling eachother out! I certainly am willing to keep around clothes from my highest weights. I’m not afraid to go back to those weights. I just want clothes to fit as my body bounces all over the universe. 😉
It makes sense to me that being able to complete tasks would make you feel better; I know that on my good days when I’m efficient I’m much happier. Caffiene can be a real mood booster for me. 🙂
Until the past year, my weight fluctuated quite a bit…well, usually more up than down. I had some major life changes in the past 8 years – joining/leaving the marines, getting married, moving across the country, then moving again, and again….and again. My husband used to be an over-the-road truck driver, and that brought a lot of stress. And I was 2,100 miles away from my nearest family, and I had no friends in WA state….YIKES! Very stressful stuff.
In desperation, I would diet….and then gain weight. And then diet again (you see where this is going!)
In the past year, I have put myself to the test – finally DEALING with my depression and BPD, going to therapy and DBT, taking on responsibilities, making new friends. I started reading books like “Fat!SO?” and “The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life” – and stopped caring about my weight. I hadn’t weighed myself for a year – well, until my last doctor’s appointment. Fat girls have to be healthy, too! The weird thing was – I was 1 pound off! I thought I was 220, and I was 219! CREEPY!
If I were you, I would just keep doing the good stuff – taking my meds, eating as healthy as possible, and keeping mobile. (I HATE saying exercise. Just saying it isn’t fun!)And if I were you, I would save my clothes.
I’m 5’6″ and 219 pounds. My lowest weight was just out of boot camp, a mere 139lbs. I looked like a skeleton. ICK! And believe it or not, when I was 139lbs, I was still in double digit sizes (I was a 12). NO KIDDING.
I am right now going through the emotional baggage of my old clothing – deciding what to get rid of (face it, I’m going to get rid of the 12’s and 14’s – I can’t WISH myself back into them) and what to keep. Some of these old things have memories attached to them…there I go, talking about memories, and I am only 25!
Have a good time labeling and boxing stuff up…it might make you feel better that over here in Vancouver, WA I’ll be doing the same thing 🙂