Paying Attention To Myself… a breakthrough

Years ago, I read the first half of “The Power of Now” by Eckart Tolle.  I ignored the really weird parts of his book (like how PMS is the result of male aggression vibes on women or something) and just read through his instructions for meditation.  It’s funny how brilliant things come in weird packages, because Tolle gave me most of the fundamentals I needed to even begin to know how to meditate.  Thich Nhat Hahn was also extremely informative without all the coo-coo banana stuff you get from Tolle.  Between the two of them, I have learned valuable skills on how to be more centered and how to be happy and not to take my thoughts literally, etc.

But, there was this one thing from “The Power of Now” that I never understood until this weekend.  Tolle recommends observing your quietness of mind and/or the thoughts that arise (in other words… your simply being…) by watching like a cat would watch for a mouse – to be so observant that you are ready to pounce on anything that arises, observe it and let it go.  Tolle explains that most thought will dissolve under the spotlight of observation and the way to quiet a mind is simply to observe it – to watch it without engaging it.  Merely notice what comes up…

I have four cats.  You’d think I’d understand the cat and mouse metaphor, but I never have.  I have ADD to the extent that I simply cannot relate to a cat waiting single-mindedly for a mouse.  Sure, now and then I get the ADD hyper-focus thing, but, for me, the hyper-awareness is rare.  I tend more towards inattentiveness, impulsiveness, spaciness and/or hyperactivity in various combinations depending on the weather or the alignment of the planets or who knows what.  Last week, I found a way to frame Tolle’s advice in a way that I can understand and relate to: I pay loving, compassionate and non-judging attention to myself.

To survive the accumulated wounds of decades of abuse and PTSD, I have had to learn a lot about compassion, especially for myself.  I’ve responded well to methods like reparenting that helped me learn how to treat myself like a worthy human being and allowed me to relive (via visualization) past traumas and respond to them differently in my mind, if nowhere else.  As simple as these things may sound, they were revolutionary to me.  Most of ya’all prolly wouldn’t believe how far I have come.

Back to the subject at hand, I imagine that what I think and feel are the most facinating, interesting things in the world… and, suddenly I am more centered, more calm, less of a super-spazz and, ironically, far better able to listen patiently to other people.  I’ve noticed that if I want to behave better in some way with people that a good first place to look is how I treat myself in these same situations.  For example, when I didn’t have compassion for myself, I had little compassion for anyone else either.  I generally had more compassion for other people than myself, but my ability to feel compassion for others increased the most when I started finding compassion for myself.  Apparently, this is another one of those reciprocal relationships, where if I listen to myself more fully, I suddenly find it far easier to listen to others.  It’s so strange how that works…

Have you noticed that reciprocal relationship in your own behavior?  It seems to be a pretty widespread phenomenon in my own mind.  I’ve always wondered how many others have this as well.  My guess has been that it is a common human trait.

–AngryGrayRainbows