Ok, so picture me standing here with my hands on my wide hips, speaking in an Arkansas southern drawl and saying the title of this post! “Because I’m hungry…dang it!” Yep, that’s really how I talk and it is totally something I NEED to say.
I’ve bitched to AGR about this for over a year I’m sure and I’m finally going to take the bull by the horns and confront my husband about this.
This is, by no means, grounds for divorce but standing my ground is in order. A little bit of background is in order here.
I’ve been obese all my life (or so I was led to believe…looking back at pictures of me at a young age indicate I wasn’t obese at all) and my dear husband has been on the leaner side of the spectrum. I would say he’s skinny but he would fight me to the death and say he’s not at all skinny.
A few years ago, my husband entered therapy for a porn addiction and has been going to a Sex Addicts group ever since he made the admission. So having admitted to the addiction, seeking therapy and making some great strides towards recovery, he has done what many addicts do and he has, in a way, switched addictions. He had gone from using porn to numb out and avoid the real issues to using food to numb and avoid the real issues. He did gain weight and he did look different than he does now but it never caused me to consider him to less of a man or less my husband. At any rate, he was not happy with his appearance so he took it upon himself to diet and exercise. All along, I told him I was worried about him because he was dieting and exercising to excess (or that was my opinion anyway). He was restricting his food and nutrient intake and he was exercising every day for a couple of hours a day. I rarely saw him. Instead of avoiding the issues, I sometimes thought he was avoiding me.
So yes, he did lose weight. He didn’t get really muscular but his frame did seem to shrink and he seemed really happy with himself. Now, a couple of years later he has gained back some of the weight. Hmm, interesting. He’s getting more and more disgusted when the weight won’t just melt off of him anymore. He would never admit it but he has ruined his knees. It just about broke his heart when his doc told him he shouldn’t run like he had been the past year or so.
During his endeavor to lose so much weight and even now, as he tries to take it off yet again, I am the one suffering. The thing I’ve gotten so irritated with him about has gone on far too long. He is obsessed with sharing food with me. He wants to share everything. I haven’t had a steak or hamburger to myself (when I’m with him) for over a year probably.
I realized today at lunch that I was starved…literally, gut wrenching, noises coming from within, nauseous, crabby STARVED! I was hungry! Seriously hungry. Not the kind of hungry where you can eat a couple of peanut butter crackers but “feed me or I’ll bite your head off” hungry. I wanted my own cheeseburger, tater tots with cheese and giant Coke. I messaged my hubby at work, told him I was working through lunch and I went to our local Sonic drive in and got that cheeseburger, tater tots with cheese and humongous Coke. No guilt, no shame…even tipped the car hop! (It was lovely!)
I’m going to have to stand my ground the next time my husband wants to split something and tell him, “NO! I’m hungry…dang it!!! If you can’t eat all your meal, then pack up the left overs and take them home!” I can’t do it anymore. I feel such guilt when he asks me to split a meal with him…like I’m punishing him or something. I see it the other way around…he’s punishing me or trying to control me. He’s NOT doing me any favors by splitting my food with me. I’m an adult. If I can’t finish my meal, I can either take it home with me or just simply send it back.
Ooooh, the more I think about it the madder I get. AGR, I promise you you won’t hear my gripe about my hubby doing this to me anymore. I’m going to resolve this issue immediately. My hunger is MY issue and his hunger is HIS issue. AGR, thanks for being so patient with me on this subject but it will be remedied very soon. I’m not going to pussy foot around the issue anymore. I’m going to be very direct and assertive. Wish me luck!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Now I totally want a cheeseburger and tator tots. 🙂 Thanks!
And good luck with your talk. Hopefully he is understanding that you need your own yummy food, and maybe if you’re lucky he’ll want to share that with you someday instead.
I love and adore Mr. Twistie beyond expression, but I have to say that if he insisted on ‘sharing’ every meal I ordered, I’d have stuck a fork through his hand well before the six month point.
Of course, one thing that makes it a lot easier is that I have a far more adventurous palate than Mr. Twistie, so if he did develop such an irritating habit, I could easily circumvent it by ordering things that make him queasy to think about.
You deserve to eat the meal you ordered for yourself. Best of luck to you in getting this annoyance under control.
Do you think your husband is judging your food and his body and trying to get both of you to eat less?
Mine gained 20 about 5 years ago and really feels bad about himself at times. He wants to loose it and while I don’t tell him it is impossible I know it will never happen. His family is also very judgmental about weight and he is concerned about gossip. In his family, someone is over weight is definitely “less than.” He has heard this his whole life and now it is being directed at him. Very hurtful.
DH doesn’t get IE. In the past, I convinced him that I was overweight and needed to diet, then I had an OA food plan which he also thought was a diet (because it was!) and a variety of food control methods. He once saw me snacking and asked me if I was really hungry, then he answered his own question. He said you must be or you wouldn’t be eating. Maybe he recognizes my IE progress more than I do.
As for your husband, you are right; you need to control your own food. You don’t want to end up overeating to make sure you get enough.
I look forward to hearing how you separate the food thing. In order to recover, we need to take care of ourselves with food and everyone else needs to stay out of it.
I’m wishing you all the best. 😀
You know… if hubby is so weird about portion control, he could always just order half portions rather than eating half of yours.
I used to date a guy (for 4 freakin’ years) who did weird things with my food as well. He’d say he wanted just a taste and then he’d eat half or more of it. I could’ve stuck a fork in his eye for it! This was the same guy who also yelled at me for having a brownie and ice cream for dessert on my BIRTHDAY, cuz it had “too many calories.” He was very very invested in my maintaining a certain weight… and I swear to this day that most of his eating my food was just trying to make sure I didn’t eat it myself. Grrrr. He also pressured me to dye my hair blonde and to tan myself into brownness. I am so white that I glow in the dark. Skin cancer runs in my family. Tanning isn’t healthy for me. These reasons were not enough for him. And, the fact that I like my natural hair and that hair dye made my hair turn dry like straw didn’t phase him either. What a maroon….
Good for you, girlie!!!
(( here, I will interrupt this comment for two seconds to praise the miracle that is SONIC – not everyone has them, you know. I’m lucky to live in the southwest where they are common and abundant! I ❤ you, SONIC!!))
As a part of EDNOS, I suppose, I don't like 'sharing' food either. I don't eat off other peoples' plates, and I expect the same boundary to be respected for me and my plate. Okay, once in a while, with a group of friends, we'll share an appetizer at a restaurant, but that's a mutually accepted decision.
Does your husband see a therapist? Maybe they should talk about ED's…it sounds like he's got some behaviors that other ED women I've known also have…excess exercise, portioning and re-portioning their food, over-focus on food, weight, calories, burning calories, etc….just a thought. If he has obsessive tenedncies already, it might be a factor…?
I am and always have been a firm believer in NOT splitting or sharing meals. You get what you want and eat as much of it as you want, and I'll do the same, thankyouverymuch.
* ; )
That is some my-T-fine self-awareness you got there, sassy! Rock on!!
Hahahaahahaha, I loved the responses! Thank you so much.
Bianca, if you read us often, in time, you’ll see I’m a nut for tater tots and brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts. I hope you get whatever it is your tummy craves, whether it’s tater tots or not.
Twistie, I think it’s time to stick a fork in “Mr. Sas’s” hand!! It isn’t something we dwell on when we’re at home, mostly when we’re out eating. It’s not like we can’t afford two meals! The sentence you wrote that stuck out to me the most was that I “deserve” to eat a meal I ordered for myself. I do deserve that, don’t I? Thing is, I usually also cave and lean more to what he wants instead of what I want. WAY too much martyrdom going on there!
JR, do I think he’s trying to get us both to eat less? Yes, he makes no qualms about that. The thing is, that’s not his job. (I know you know that, I’m saying it to reiterate it to myself.) And my hubby does know about IE and HAES and seems to understand and knows what I’m trying to do with it. What he’s not understanding is that the restricting I’m doing as a result of his sharing meals is causing me to want to overeat to satisfy the cravings “I” have that I can’t get satisfied by eating by someone else’s rules.
I honestly believe he thinks he’s “helping” me. However, one of the biggest issues in our marriage has been that of control. If there are ways he can get by with controling me, without them being so obvious and looking like he’s “helping” me, then I wouldn’t put it past him to try.
I believe he feels like his life is out of control since his doctor told him to cool it on the exercise and actually told him to his face he’s getting “older” (God forbid!). Since he feels out of control of his life (imagined or real), I guess he feels like he can control me.
Those days are over! He’s going to have to deal with his issues some other way. Thanks everyone for your support. I really do appreciate it! Many hugs!
~sas
Sorry AGR, left you off.
What a maroon indeed or as we sometimes say…what a MOron! hahahahaha
I wish you the best of luck with this conversation. As a child my mother always wanted to have ‘just a bite’ of my food and it made me a rather voracious eater. In retrospect I understand that she couldn’t afford to buy a meal for both of us (we were quite poor) and wanted me to have what I wanted, but also… well, she was hungry dang it! So, she ate some of mine. Unfortunately, it lead to some really weird behaviors on my part. I order too much. I eat too fast. Often eat way past the point of feeling comfortable. All just to make sure I feel like I’m getting my ‘fair share’ even though there’s no longer anyone else eating off my plate.
I realize these effects would be lessened in an adult, but still autonomy over one’s food is very important and you should stand up for yourself.
Sassy, all day I’ve been laughing picturing you with your hands on your hips, saying “I’m hungry, dang it!”
It is a true pleasure to be able to eat and be satisfied. There is no good reason why you can’t have this need met.
Good news everybody!
I had the “talk” with hubby last night. At first he was defensive but then he realized that this is how “I” feel and really had nothing to do with him. He agreed that if I felt like I was being controlled and there was something he could to stop it, he would. He told me he would stop asking me to share food and would take his food into his own hands. Yay!!!!
It was tough at first but well worth the effort to talk to him about it. Just wanted to update you guys.
~sas
Whoooo hoooooooooooo!!!! Great work, Sas!
When you’ve been through as much as we have in terms of eating disorders, who the heck wants to be in charge of another grown adult’s food as well as our own! Sheesh! Good using your voice. I’m so happy for you!
It has been a few weeks. How is it going?