Often, the ignorance of my family is so overwhelming that I feel like I cannot even breathe…
#$%@$#%@$#%(^&*$%*&%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The family is trying to put together some kind of family reunion for 2011. I told my mother that I was waiting for the details to be finalized before I told my cousin when and where and all that. She has two babies now and she may want them to know the family. My mother told me that my cousin is not to be invited under any circumstances. Why? Cuz she has two half-black children by a man she has been with for seven (maybe more…) years and hasn’t married. My cousin doesn’t see the point of marraige. But, I doubt marrying the guy would make any difference. The problem is that he is black and she has two half-black kids. I want to break stuff…
I mean, I knew we had racists in our family, but I didn’t know it was THAT far spread among my relatives. To this my mother explained that most of them aren’t racist “out in the world,” but when it comse to “one of their own” (ie: a family member) they will be racist if anyone “crosses the line.” The line of racism that is. Idiots…. idiots…. freakin’ idiots!!!! I am so sad and angry and confused even that my family could be so ignorant and all sorts of other not good things. I am ashamed.
Now, I have the lovely choice of telling my cousin what is up or not. The thing is, I’m one of the few contacts she has on that side of the family and I think she’d rather hear it from me than someone else… because it will get back to her eventually. Granted, she’s already dealt with a lot of family racism from her father, but I don’t know if she knew our family was so immersed in it. I sure didn’t. I’m stunned. So, when I can get her on the phone, I’ll let her know there’s a reunion and that I want her there, but the family is being ridiculous and jerky and everything else than goes along with ignorant.
For myself, I won’t be going to to any reunion until the racist crap ends.
I am tempted to hit “reply all” on one of the mass emails sent out about the planning to express what I think about this ignorant behavior. If my mother has anything to do with it, she’ll never tell them why I won’t come and I think it is important that they know why I won’t be there – because I am told that my cousin is to be alienated for completely racist reasons. Yeah… I’m going to do it. Someone needs to say something…. apparently that someone is me. I doubt it will change any of their plans, but maybe it will plant some seed… maybe it will help them feel some shame for their horrible behavior… I don’t know… I hope so anyway…
Off to write that email then…
I’m so angry I could just vomit.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Wow, I am so sorry about your racism related drama in your family.
This situation makes me think of a piece of advice my mom always gave me growing up. From the time I was in middle school, my mom always told me to never date/marry a white guy. The reasons she gave me were I’d have more in common with a black guy than a white guy, and if I had kids with a white guy, they would be confused about thier identity. This frustrated and confused me on a lot of levels. I grew up in a mostly white neighborhood; most of my friends were white, and I tended to have more in common with them than with the black people who were in my neighborhood and school. I started to think “You know, just because someone has the same skin color as me doesn’t mean we’re going to get along or have much in common.” Then, much to my horror (horrified at first, I actually like this part of myself now), in my late teens I realized that I found white guys really attractive, and I tended to be drawn to them more than I was to black guys. Sometimes I wish I could stop finding white guys attractive and make myself be attracted to a black guy, just to make my mom happy.
But the thing that’s really got me confused about my mom’s disapproval of multiracial relationships is the fact that about 10 years ago, her younger brother, my uncle, got remarried to a white woman, who he eventually had a daughter with. My mom loves her white sister in law, and dotes on her biracial niece. Sometimes I sit back and think “So is it okay for other people to marry outside of their race, but not me?” “What’s the big deal about dating/marrying someone outside of my race and having kids with them anyway?” I don’t think my mom is racist, but it makes me wonder if she holds some prejudices against white people.
Sorry, this turned out to be way longer than I intended it to be. These thoughts have been rattling around in my head for a long time, and this seemed like a good place to let them out.
Wow, that sucks. I think it’s awesome that you will stand up for your cousin in that way.
It will definitely cause a kerfuffle, but sometimes you just have to say no peace without justice.
Family is family. I don’t care if what they disapprove of so much is her choice of partner, her choice of relationship with that partner, or what she named the kids; she’s still family. If she’s no longer family because she fell in love with someone of another race, what’s to stop the family from cutting off someone who falls in love with someone of the same gender? A different religious background? A shoe size that someone finds objectionable? It’s up to your cousin how she chooses to live her life. What she’s done isn’t illegal, and is only considered immoral by people vastly more immoral in my book.
Best of luck with this.
How hateful!
I hope you’ll post that email.
Yeah, you’re right. I would find that unacceptable, too. You need to shame them. Tell them if she doesn’t come, you don’t come. And, talk to others who you suspect would stand behind you. The non-racists in the family need to stand up and be heard. Good luck.
Good luck with the email. It’s hard to be the voice of reason and progress in a family.
My outlook is this: It is my life and my future, who I choose to be with and have children with. If someone is stupid enough to “disapprove” because of the race of my S.O., then they do not deserve to know me or my family.
My mom told me one day that my dad had issues with my boyfriend being of a different race. Ok, then if/when there comes marriage/children, guess who won’t be there? If you can’t support your family for doing what makes them happy (and should be a non-issue), don’t expect them to include you in their future.
Thankfully, he’s gotten over himself and now approves.
I fully agree with your decision to not go until the other members of your family grow up. You could have your own fancy reunion with your cousin and her family, take pictures, and say “it was sooo much fun, too bad you all suck!” or something.
I think you are doing the right and brave thing, it’s harder to stand against those I love when they’re wrong than against strangers for me.
My family is very fundamentalist other than me, and a few years ago my aunt stopped most contact with us. Just last year we found out from my cousin that he has an illegitimate son and they were hiding it from us. My guess is that they felt we’d be disapproving; which is particularly sad because no-one was, everyone wants to meet the new member, which is difficult because his mother and him moved to the other side of the country. Anyway, it would have been nice if they’d been brave enough to tell us and let us be nice or miserable.
i feel your pain. i married into a very racist/homophobic/generally just judgmental family. it’s very difficult to sit back and say nothing. but at the same time, i don’t feel comfortable calling them on their crap b/c i don’t want them taking things out on my husband. and he doesn’t feel comfortable saying anything b/c he has just started repairing his relationship w/them after the death of his father. ugh! i hope your family is receptive to a new way of thinking.
See, if you’re willing to send the e-mail and boycott, I’d go one better and throw a competing reunion. Do a “reply all” and state that for those who prefer an event that includes ALL members of the family, regardless of race, you’ll be cooking up the hot dogs (or not-dogs if you’re veggie) and such-and-such a public park on that same day. Invite your cousin and her family, close friends you consider extended family, and whoever shows up, shows up. You’ll know which relatives disagree with the “line crossing” policy by which reunion they attend. If no other relatives attend, then at least you’re out having a good time instead of fuming over being related to ass-hats.
Trust me, I can relate. One side of my family are “klan-ish” and my mother and I still have an occasional argument over my choosing to not attend functions with them.
Another alternative would be to have your cousin’s family photo put on a tee-shirt with a header that says “MY family” and wear it to the reunion.
My mother’s extended family lives throughout Kentucky and many of them, my mother included, are closet racists. I had a cousin attend once and she had three biracial children by different (black) fathers. There was a lot of talk about the different daddies as well as the fact that she is on public assistance, of course, but what got the lion’s share of shock was the fact that her children are biracial.
I was younger then and didn’t know how to react, but going forward, I’ve made a commitment not to tolerate racism or any other -ism in any form. My extended family doesn’t exclude my distant cousin or anyone else and if they did, I’d also probably not attend. I’m Buddhist and I try to forgive people and not hold grudges, but I also believe that you become like those you surround yourself with. This is why I am not close with an aunt and my grandmother — they’re very negative, cruel people who don’t care who they hurt. If they can pick and choose whom they consider to be family on the basis of race, sure you can pick and choose whom you want to consider family on the basis of bigotry and ignorance.
JoGeek, I think I love you.
I definitely think you should send the email letting the family at-large know how you feel. You may be pleasantly surprised by the allies who might surface. If it were me, I would frame it from a more positive place. Just say how you feel about including EVERYone and how upset you were to think that there were some in your family who wouldn’t approve of that. I’d say that you’re hoping that your cousin and her kids will come anyway and that the majority will support her and her family.
Then, I would go to the reunion with her and present a united front. You’d be surprised at how far this could go to change minds. It’s easy to be critical in the abstract, but when you’re presented with two adorable kids who haven’t done a thing wrong? I think you’d be pleasantly surprised by the reactions from most.
I speak from personal experience – I’m Jewish (and look white) and my husband is black. I was shocked by my grandmother’s initial racist reaction to him since she’d always been so liberal in a general sense. People are “different” about their own, I guess, and some things are deeply rooted. But then, she got to know him and saw how he treated me/loved me. The power of that is hard to resist up close. I hope it is the same in your family. If you come from a place of love and not from a defensive one, you’ll get far.
Ugh, family is the worst sometimes.
Seriously, it is called a “family Reunion” not a “party with only some people whose life choices are sanctioned by the family approval board” Part of family reunions is that you get together with everyone you have some kind of blood tie to. That’s what they are FOR, it means you have to listen to great uncle Jeff spew racist BS while cousin MiMi discusses the benefits of a raw foods diet.
We don’t get to pick our family, so we don’t get to pick who shows up to the reunion. (I suppose unless one of them had commited an actual crime against the family, but then I do have a friend whose sister STOLE HER IDENTIY and screwed her credit, and yet, they still speak. ) Thems the rules. You tell them.
I have also in the past been shocked by how close to home racism and homophobia come. Both sides of my family are the extremely conservative, old-thinking sort of people. Luckily, my own parents fight any biases that could lead them hurt others.
You’re doing a strong thing standing up for your cousin. I think you should write an email and reply to all. One that’s more persuasive and diplomatic than angry, though.
I’m biracial, my mom is white and my dad is black. I haven’t seen him since he and my mom divorced when I was 3 and honestly I think he didn’t want to be a father. But neither my mom or myself got grief. This was back in 1979. Tell your relatives they need to get in the 21st century and stop being prejudiced and you won’t come.
I’m hoping you’ll be pleasantly surprised that more folks will agree with you than not.
This just blows me away, though, that whole idea of your cousin being worse because she crossed a line. My family are, to be polite about it, fuckin’ racist. Yet, when my female cousin had a biracial baby, suddenly they realized how completely stupid their racism towards African-Americans was, and they love the daylights out of that baby, and her father (so much so that when she broke it off with him to date a white guy, my family were seriously pissed about it).
Maybe the difference is that my family are hugely clannish, being mostly Scots-Irish. And once you’re part of the family, no matter what, you’re family.
After some deep breathing, I decided to talk this over with my cousin before I hit the war path. I couldn’t get a hold of her yesterday… she usually wakes up late… but, I can usually get ahold of her on Mondays after noon… I will call again.
I want to know what she thinks… what she feels. She may not have anything to do with this.
If so, I have another strategy in mind, cuz racism is still so not okay. I have in mind to send a few choice scriptures. 😀 I’m not religious. I’m more the spiritual type that finds value in all religions and spiritualities that are lov-ebased anyway… However, I was raised by a minister and I know my bible pretty darn well… plus, my family claims to be devout Christians. My mother has long taken pride in the role of “minister’s wife”… the rest of her family is staunch Catholic to the extreme that one might go to hell if not married by a priest.
My point is this… is racism Christ-like? Oh heck no it isn’t.
If my cousin doesn’t want her name brought up, I think that the best way to go about this is to send out an email that is compassionate and caring… something about being concerned about what I’ve heard about our family’s racist attitudes and what I think is a loving and responsible response… something like that.
Frankly… I think if those people just saw pictures of her happy little sons that they would just melt and wouldn’t be able to keep a grasp on their racist ideals… at least I think many of them would melt.
Last night I was reading something by ArchBishop Desmond Tutu about how the perpetrators of abuse and racism and other atrocities hurt themselves with their icky behavior as much (maybe more… who knows…) than they hurt others and that it is important to remember that the racists are human beings too and to treat them with compassion…. not meaning that we should enable their bad behavior, but to treat them as human beings and to not assume they are pure evil, etc…. It was good that I read that. Frankly, I was so angry…. I just wanted to rip some certain people to shreads, but I’ve thought better of that since and I hope that with those wise ideas in mind that I will be able to go about this in a more productive and loving way and not set off the defenses of others…
Wish me luck.
If you guys have any further suggestions… I am all ears. I want to do this right.
To the racists whose comments did not make the blog – my heart breaks for you. I wish you peace. Living in minds like that cannot be easy or happy. I wish you freedom.
To those who think I should listen to the “elders” of my family… these elders also think sexual abuse is okay and that children who get angry about it are “prudes”, that when nuclear bombs go off that birds jump in the water and swim like fish and fish jump in the trees and sing like birds and that unborn babies that could be proven to be gay before birth should be aborted. — Assuming the “wisdom” of elders is dangerous. Blind trust is dangerous – very dangerous. I will listen to those who earn my regard and respect. Sadly, my family is full of whackadoos. I won’t be listening to their drivel in this life.
Wow that’s so unfortunate that you’ve had to deal with racism in your direct family. Good luck posting the email, I hope you inspire more people in your family to stand against it 🙂
Let us know how the email goes
I hate to admit it, but I know where your mom is coming from. My parents were raised in the Midwest (Southern IL), and I was raised in the south. Strangely, I consider myself lucky, because on visits up north, I found that racism was MUCH more pronounced there than in the south.
I was raised in an all-white, rural community. When my mom and dad divorced, we had to move further into the city. I remember asking my mom: “Where did all of these black people come from?” I knew the existence of black people, and had seen a few before, but it was culture shock – all the sudden, the world just got BIG to me.
I was raised in racism. A few of my mom’s pearls of wisdom: Don’t make friends with black boys – they’ll try to rape you ( she said this to me- NO KIDDING!), Don’t lend a N***** money because you’ll never get it back, Don’t bring them into the house because they steal, and – If you ever, EVER date a black man, I will disown you.
Luckily, when I found out that my brother was gay (I was, maybe 16, he was 14), I was exposed to new people (meaning GAY people), and with those new people, I made acquaintance with tolerance. For the last 3 years, since becoming involved in the Asatru religion, I have been flirting with the idea of acceptance.
Being raised with hate makes it harder for you to overcome it.
I’m a firm believer in the philosophy that Families main job, the reason they even hang out together, is to push your buttons. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is more knowledgeable in the architecture [where those buttons are] and the procedures [When, how hard to push, and in what sequence] for producing optimal effect [Blood vessel popping boil over].
Be that as it may, when my Wife informed me, just before our first trip out west to her moms 65th Birthday Bash, that certain members of her family were going to have a problem with my skin color, I couldn’t WAIT to get out west and meet these fascinating individuals. To put myself ‘up in their grills’ as it were. My Wife was, understandably, less sanguine about it. That whole blood vessel popping thing. But, the end of the day, the Kindly Older Aunt wanted to know when we were going to have some of ‘those adorable brown babies’ [We still laugh about that one], the Middle of the Roaders either decided to token me out [Couldn’t care less] or may have had some manner of epiphany [Nice, but really, I’m not here for your learning experience], and the Asshat Uncle, after being initially upset to discover that I was MUCH smarter than he was, eventually tried to invite himself out east for a guided tour of NY [He’d never been and, far as I’m concerned, ain’t never gonna. Not on MY dime at the, VERY, least] I had a blast and Wifey gets a giggle over the whole affair to this day. Both of us taking total comfort in the knowledge that, without extensive photoshoping skills [which none of them have], my dark face is gonna show up in their family photos until the sun burns out. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Reading your account of your mother excluding your cousin from the FAMILY reunion on account of having two half-African American children brought a tear to my eye. This is 2009 and NOT 1909 and it is hard to imagine that such bigotry exists outside of a Klan meeting or a gathering of the Neo-Nazi underground.
I, for one, am a HUGE supporter of interracial relationships and believe that in order to solve the problem of racism, bigoty and white supremacy we must marry and have children with persons of a different race! In 200 years, we’ll all be the same color, so what’s the big deal anyways? Why not speed up the process whereby racism is wiped off the face of the planet?
I cannot tell you the joy it is to see a country – built on the dead bodies of native Americans and on the sweat of African American slaves – embrace interracial relationships and even go so far as to elect a Black Man in the White House. That’s one thing that’s go to be lowering the life expectancy of your typical bigot or hater – turning on the TV every night and seeing a Black Man calling the shots for once. Their blood pressure has got to be going through the roof, LOL
Don’t worry about the racists or bigots for they are a dying breed.
What I would recommend is inviting your cousin with the biracial children and the African American father anyways. In addition, be sure to invite as many members of his family as well, including all the biracial ones and be sure to film the reactions of different family members so that way you can tell which family members are afflicted with racism and which are tolerant. Then you can upload it to YouTube for all our edification and enjoyment.:D
Wow. Awesome comments guys! Thank you so much for your support and input. You guys are seriously awesome.
As for the reunion… lol… it has been cancelled. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I sent my mother an email asking her if her condoning this racist behavior was christ-like (she is supposedly a very pious Christian…I find her more of a hippocrit than anything else…). She didn’t respond to me directly, but sent out a mass email to the whole family cancelling the whole thing. Maybe my question made her think… who knows.
As for confronting the family… I am not sure which way to go now, but I am certain that I want to do this. Right now, my idea is to contact a few choice folks and ask them what they think happened with the reunion… and tell them my theory of racism cancelling the whole thing… and see where the conversation goes from there. I have a feeling that a talk like that would either a) let the non-racists identify themselves or b) allow me to challenge the racists that I do find…
We shall see…
Aud – You come from where I come from – literally. 😉 I’m from one of those little egypt villages as well where everyone was white… not just white, but German, for the most part. Nothing against Germans. 😉 I am German myself…. however, I look like the scottish/scandinavian side of the family… and I felt like a totally different breed down there. No one looked like me… it did not feel good. I think it’s pretty neat that even among north/west european people that one can feel like a totally different race just cuz most of the population is a certain kind of round faced German… while I am a long legged, angular faced viking of sorts…. hah!
[…] those of you who missed out on part I, click here. In summary, my mother said my cousin wasn’t invited to any family function in the future […]
Its a fact that a LOT of families are like this (including mine)
I dont think it’s because of sheer racism, but they dont believe in miscegenation. That goes for people of all backrounds btw not just white.
Lifes a bitch
sorry I couldent give useful advice, just trying to soften the blow.
Racism is just ridiculous, but unfortunately it happens everywhere. My dad dislikes my cousin’s wife for she is a non Chinese woman. I don’t see the point why dad doesn’t like her that much ; she is a beautiful person inside and out. By the way she is a Malay ; native Indonesian. It is kind of bothering me but there is nothing I can do to convince my dad from accepting her. I hope that my dad and your family member will open their eyes and accept people of all colors.
I am blessed with an international look , even though I am a Chinese born Indonesian man. Some native Indonesians think I am native Indonesia while a Filipino whom I met at a general store in Vancouver, Canada said that I look like her nephew. The owners of a Korean Restaurant in Vancouver thought that I am Korean so they started speaking Korean to me; I told them I am Indonesian. They insisted and saying that I am Korean born Indonesian. I was not offended at all and it is actually good to have an international look. I pray that people will love one another and stop discrimination.