I have ADD. ADHD… whatever. I tend to leave out the “H” part, because my brand of the disorder tends to leave me drained and merely spinning in my brain. To others, I may seem lazy, lethargic or fatigued a lot of the time…. which some small and unpredictable bursts of actual physical hyperness. It’s loads of fun, let me tell ya. That’s sarcasm. I always seem to be trying to discover helpful (to me) metaphors for my ADD to help me deal with it… and, ya know, be less of a spaz. While I’ve known some really neat people who were talented at funnelling their spazziness into being productive, I’m not really that kinda spaz. This annoys me to no end. If anything, my spaziness gets in my way more than anything.
I have PTSD and was raised by people who were (and still are) way more spazzy than even me. I am sure that my hyperness isn’t all ADD. Some of it could be PTSD related (child abuse) and some of it could’ve been learned from my mother and step-father. So, treating the PTSD and seven years of therapy have helped a lot. Oh yeah… and the meds. Ritalin is a life saver (for me, that is). Even with all the work, treatment and meds, I still feel like I struggle a lot… most than people know or can see from my exterior. Too often I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing (because I’m in such a hyper spin) or like if I stop spazzing out that my head will explode or something. That feeling of being “driven by a motor”… yeah, I know that one all too well. Sometimes it annoys me that it is usually my intellect or anxiety (or both) that is so driven…rather than becoming a marathon runner or something. Being a marathon runner is far more socially acceptable than thinking a lot or just running in mental hyper circles and feeling physically tired much of the time because of it…
Every time I find something that helps, I post about it in case someone suffers like me and might benefit from hearing about it. So, here I am. I found something that helps – silence.
I have generally been a person that avoids silence at almost all cost. I will ramble nonsense just so that there isn’t any awkward silence in conversation. Sometimes this works out to be some kinda comic relief. I have a reputation for being a goof… or even funny… depends on your taste. Some people just find the rambling awkward. I can’t blame them for that. I just never realized that I was avoiding silence. I just had this really deep drive to not allow any quiet. This has caused some problem with television. It kills silence. TV is all flash and constant stimulation. I find it pretty darn impossible to find a quiet, silent and empty (in a good way) moment with the TV on… but that’s generally what I’m aiming for anyway. I’m sure it didn’t help that I was, in large part, raised by the TV. My parents were pretty neglectful. I think my mother really wasn’t ready or able to raise a kid, so she encouraged a lot of TV watching just to keep me quiet… without needs, thoughts… ya know… emotions… annoying things like that. So… not only does TV help me avoid silence, I have a long history with it. It’s an old family member. It was there for me when my parents weren’t – which was most of the time. And, when things got abusive, TV was there to help me forget that realities of my life. Sadly, it also seems like the more TV I watch, the worse my ADD symptoms are and the harder it is to manage them.
I’m not sure where I got the idea… I suspect it was from many places and then not even explicitely. But, recently, I got the idea that silence is something to listen for…. to listen to. Silence isn’t NOTHING. I suppose that is what I thought before… that it was just emptiness and nothingness and living at all. I think I had the idea that it was some kind of living death or something… just something horrible. Recently, the idea hit me that SILENCE is something. What if I thought of it as something really lovely? As a refuge from ADD and spazziness? What if I thought of it as something enjoyable and refreshing? Viola! Breakthrough!
For the last two weeks (maybe more… this has been coming on gradually really), I’ve been paying attention to silence as well as whatever is going on around me. Like… if I’m reading a book, I pay attention to the pauses between syllables, words and sentences… and I find that I enjoy the reading so much more! I’m not just speeding over the words so fast that I’m exhausted after a few pages due to my desperate attempt to avoid any pauses or silence. Silence is pretty darn cool. Who knew!!?? Okay… so ya’all prolly knew. I sure didn’t. 😉
Whatever I’m doing, I try to lend some small part of my mind to hearing the silence in between thoughts, feelings and actions. And, of course, all of a sudden, I’m finding it far easier to HEAR my hunger and fullness signals. It’s easier to realize what I want to eat when I’m hungry. It’s easier to be comfortable in my own skin and LIVE self-acceptance, body-acceptance and acceptance of my fat. I’m less anxious. Less of a spaz… and I feel far more secure in myself.
While I am sure that some large part of my spazziness is genetic, I also would love to hop in a time machine and tell my parents to back the heck off and let me take my time sometimes and let me make peace with silence. God forbid I actually took my time and thought about my chores. That could earn me a beating, shaming, hours of lecturing… who knows. I learned early on that taking my time and thinking… ya know… being present and allowing silence into my attention wasn’t safe. My step-father especially saw my taking my time to be centered or think to be some kind of rebellion that should be beaten down. Apparently I was born knowing how to do everything perfectly, so that taking my time and paying attention to what I was doing was really just trying to “get out of work.” What a dumbass he was… meh.
In addition to keeping one eye on silence, I am trying to accept my spazziness. Heck. I’ve tried just about everything I have ever heard of or thought of to change it and it has only made things worse. If my ADD can only be managed to a certain point and if being a lethargic person is simply a fact of life for me (due to all the spinning in my head, thank you ADD), then so be it. A lifetime of shaming myself, starvation, over-exercise, caffeine abuse, experimentation with cocaine, trying to energize myself with overeating or binging, etc. haven’t worked. Even moderately exercising and eating healthily and going to a bunch of different docs to try to get this fixed haven’t worked. Trying to sleep off the fatigue hasn’t worked. Vitamins haven’t worked. Forcing myself to only sleep so many hours a day in the hopes my body would just give up on wanting naps and extra sleep and whatnot merely turned into an angry zombie who was more spazzy than ever. I could write a book on all the things I have tried. I’ll spare ya all further speechifying. 😀
This all ties back to the focus on silence, because I’m suddenly finding it far easier to accept that I am what I am if I allow more silence in my life. I’m not sure why…. but, I’m very happy to have discovered this. Acceptance is a huge relief.
Acceptance, however, does not mean giving up. It is possible that I will never find a way around what is left of my ADD symptoms. At the same time, I will probably also never stop trying to find a way to improve from where I’m at. Right now, I’m tired of going through all the stupid hoops that the latest doc thinks will fix it. But, I also know this will pass and I’ll give some new doc a chance and have some more tests for allergies, defiencies or whatever… and we’ll see how that all goes. Even when that time comes around again, I will be holding onto my acceptance. Acceptance may ultimately be the best option I have left… only time will tell. Besides, maybe there is some reason why I am the way I am. I will keep trying to find what the strength might be that is the other side of this so-called “disorder” of mental hyperness and physical tiredness… maybe allowing myself to live in silence a bit will give me the space to find out how to use the tools I have more effectively. I am so tired of fighting against myself… I’d much rather work WITH myself… now… how to do that is yet to be found…
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Heh..
I think I may have recently discovered that I have some kind of ADD or some thing or other as well..
I hear you. yet again!!
I really liked this, and can relate to it a bit.
I recently discovered that I may have developed PTSD after a traumatizing experience I went through last year (well, it’s probably not post traumatic because the symptoms appeared right after the situation happened and I know PTSD symptoms usually appear months after the initial incident, but I definitely had/still have some type of traumatic stress disorder). Also, I was diagnosed with clinical depression a few months ago. Knowing that there was a name for all the crazy emotional/psychological stuff I was experiencing really helped me accept my problems. It really helped knowing that there was something really wrong with me, something that could be named and dealt with.
I can understand you totally – I have tried just about everything in my power to alter my moods, to try to make me feel euphoric (if I feel good) or numb (if I feel bad).
I have been a binge drinker in the past, I have abused pills (prescription downers; muscle relaxers), I’ve engaged in “risky” behavior (reckless driving, promiscuity, smoking 4 packs a day, etc.), I’ve been a self-mutilator (I preferred burning, but cutting wasn’t out of the question.). I would do things, or say things, just to see what would happen – and who would react. I would purposefully destroy relationships, just to prove to myself that I was unlovable. My displays of anger were an everyday occurrence.
It was explained to me by my doctor that personality disorders are pretty much permanent. Often, those who “suffer” from them refuse to change – or won’t admit that anything is wrong. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and although I don’t fit the criteria for BPD right now, I will always have some Borderline tendencies – like an itch I have to scratch, I will always feel that I HAVE to do them. Other than the death of someone close to me (i.e. abandonment), RELAPSE is my biggest fear. I don’t think I can ever live like that again.
I had my biggest ‘epiphany’ when my friend told me how much he had covered for me when I was in the Marines. I couldn’t believe how much trouble he kept me out of. It was then that I realized that I was that person that had to be “cleaned up after”. I mean, my buddy would literally follow me, and apologize to the people I would unknowingly insult – “Oh, she didn’t mean that”, “She’s been having a bad day”, etc, etc. Every family has a person like that…”Oh, that’s just Audrey. That’s just the way she is.” It was mortifying to realize that _I!_ was that person.
So, I don’t listen to sad music. I don’t do things that irritate me right before my husband comes home. I try to strengthen bonds with friends and family, so I don’t end up feeling alone. I make sure to take good care of my dog – it feels good to know that someone depends on you, even though that someone is a dog. And, I try my best (even though I find it almost impossible) to put myself in the “other guy’s” shoes.
Good luck with the silence thing. Silence, meditation, and prayer have helped me a lot on my life’s journey. Stick with it. 🙂
I can relate.
I have ADD & PTSD, and am also bipolar.
Meds are a wonderful tool. I wish I was smarter and more focused, but I’m a lot better than I was.
There was so much yelling in my family that I’ve always gravitated toward silence. Plus, with my ADD, even silence can sometimes be deafening – the humming of flourscent lights in a quiet room annoys the heck out of me. It’s worse in noisy situations.
I’ve had the same doc for 3 yrs. I’m sticking with her. I’m tired of “musical docs”, and this one pretty much listens to me, even if we don’t always see eye to eye. I’m looking forward to my next appt. with her.
I’ve accepted that I’m a bit of a “scatterbrain” – I know I’m not, really – it just takes me a little longer to focus and figure out whats going on around me. Once I figure out whats expected of me, things are easy.