Earlier today, I learned it was International Blogging Against Racism Week, thanks to Debbie at Body Impolitic.
As a white mom of a bi-racial child, I wonder about what to tell my daughter (who is 4) about race and racism. Up until now, I’ve done a few low-key things, such as making sure her dolls look like children of a variety of backgrounds, providing books with lots of different-skin-colored children in them, and most importantly, leading by example. Her dad is, as I may have mentioned before, a stunningly handsome man — whose family comes from India, but was born elsewhere. He’s an immigrant to the U.S., speaks accented English, and still struggles to read and write in English but is literate in his second language, his first being the Indian dialect his parents spoke. He’s amazing with spoken languages, and has been able to converse, at various times, in no less than six languages. Since both he and I are Jewish, I sometimes momentarily forget we aren’t the same “race” as defined in the U.S., because we are both results of the Diaspora and while we have different ethnic backgrounds, we share much of the same culture. I used to joke that I found a way to marry someone as different as possible from my own background, but still Jewish. There are some differences we are aware of that are cultural, some that are because we grew up with different class backgrounds, and some because of racism and anti-immigrantism that my husband experiences first hand, and I don’t.
As a person with dark skin and accented English, my husband has experienced his share of racism and anti-immigrant discrimination (and the overlap). When we were younger, and he would go out with a guy friend, I would express concern (okay, maybe it was jealousy) that he would be hit on and he would say, “don’t worry about it, no women start up with me because I’m dark skinned.”
I know that as our daughter gets older, she’ll start to get the question, “what are you?” Not long ago, when I was with superhero princess without her dad, and was talking with an acquaintance who said “she looks like she has an Indian background” I felt a little uncomfortable, like the acquaintance was proud of her ability to identify a specific “breed.”
This week superhero princess said something at the pediatrician’s office to the nurse practitioner who was about to examine her ear that there was a girl at school who was mean to her. This particular girl is white, blond, and a bit precocious, and tends to point out whatever differences she notices. I asked superhero princess for more information about the “meanness” and talked with the assistant director immediately. I was impressed with the response they gave, and I was careful to say that I knew my little one is “quirky” and I don’t expect every child to adore her the way we do, but that I told my daughter that not everyone likes each other, but everyone needs to treat each other with respect.
And I realize, that part of what is “quirky” about her, in this largely white town, is that she isn’t white. Her dad speaks English with an accent and doesn’t read books to her. There aren’t many other Jewish people around here, either (although we have a great small community). She insists on wearing a crown much of the time these days (right now it’s broken but that doesn’t stop her). She often wants to wear the same falling-apart princess dress for several days in a row. If I want to try to make her more “acceptable,” I can tell her not to wear the same dress two days in a row, or buy her a new, unbroken crown, or insist that she wear play clothes instead of fancy dresses (although that may make both of us miserable) — but I can’t make her white. And, G-d forbid, I wouldn’t want to — she is perfect. But I also can’t control the reaction she gets from the world.
I can help her grow strong. Give her a foundation of love. Lead by example. Treat everyone with respect. Give people room to improve when they are making an effort to change. Allow her to be who she needs to be. Invite friends from all different backgrounds over to play. Give her a solid foundation of her own cultures — Indian Jewish, American Jewish, Pacific Northwestern. The photo above shows in the background a needlepoint her great-grandmother made (sideways) and photos of her grandparents. (The “princess” culture she’s adopted on her own.) Talk about social justice, and engage with the community around us.
Any bi-racial people out there with advice for me in what to tell superhero princess about race and racism at this age, I would appreciate it. I am going to be on the lookout for more books that might help, we read a great one, An African Princess. In the meantime, I can lead by example in another way, by celebrating what is different about me from the majority of those around us, including my Jewishness and my fat body.
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I love that you call your daughter superhero princess; it’s adorable.
I really like that you buy your daughter dolls that look different. I’m black, and when I was little my mom only bought me black dolls; she refused to buy me white dolls. The only non black Barbies I had were the Aladdin and Jasmine Barbies I got for Christmas one year (Aladdin was one of my favorite movies when I was little). She never gave me a reason why, but mom never wanted me to have white dolls. She also told me to never date or marry a white man, but that’s a whole other story…
I really like the diversity of your household! Pacific Northwestern/Indian/Jewish sounds like a cool combination of cultures/ethnicites.
Awww, Charlotte, this makes me want to send you a bunch of Groovy Girls of all different types — they are not Barbies or Bratz but fun, fashion-forward soft dolls that come in all different skin colors.
We’ve got so many cultures combining in our household it’s scary. I’m from California, so that’s in the mix, too, and there’s the country my husband is from, in addition to the Indian culture, and there’s Jewish culture that is common to both of us (rituals, holidays, prayers in Hebrew) even if some of the foods and specific customs vary.
I’m Jewish too, and Israeli, so I’m used to seeing Jews of all different ethnic backgrounds. My aunt (ashkenazi/white) and uncle (sefardic/very dark skinned) have two children. I’ve never thought of them as bi-racial, since mom and dad are both Israeli Jews, and classifying people as bi-racial seems weird to me in general.
They currently live in the metro Detroit area, which is very diverse, and have not had any negative experiences because of how they look. I think that because of the vast cultural diversity of the area no one looks at them as if they’re some sort of anomalous family (they all look different in terms of skin tone).
Eventually mixed families will be the norm. I know/am related to so many people whose spouses/partners are from a different ethnic/cultural background. We live in a fluid society, and although some people will always be bigots I think that we’re moving in the right direction.
Limor, my little one would fit right in on the streets of Tel Aviv or metro Detroit, but in our small-ish Pacific Northwest town, depending on where we are, she may stand out a bit. I agree that in Israel, the idea of biracial seems weird, and there, the question “what are you” isn’t as rude as it is here — because it’s such a common question, and because it’s more of an issue of ethnicity or culture than race, in most cases. I am not saying that there isn’t racism in Israel, there definitely is, but a child who has a ashkenazi parent and a sephardic or other ethnicity parent tends not to stand out as much.
I am a white mother of two biracial girls, 8 and 1 1/2. It has been a learn as I go experience with my older daughter. Her father is African American. I let her define herself when she was your daughter’s age. She called her dad brown, her mom pale and herself tan. It was factually accurate and I liked it because it was a response to someone else complaining about never being able to get a tan with her pale skin. Her skin was therefore ideal. This has given her a good foundation as she started school and dealing with peoples categories and prejudices. We also have a lot of different cultures going on, both at home and outside. She went to a primarily Jewish preschool and currently attends a majority Indian grade school. I have told her that secure people can learn a lot and grow from encountering different people and ideas, but that insecure people can be threatened by differences and that can make them hostile. She sees the diversity of her background as a strength. I use that as a context for dealing with the racism that she is becoming more aware of and also the pressure to conform. She struggles with her lack of Hanna Montana straight hair, but having the Indian girls envy her curls helps.
I’m not sure if any of this is helpful with your princess but what it comes down to is supporting her and helping her build her self worth on who she is as an individual.
Thanks for your experiences, Babs.
I love this, which I’ll use:
“I have told her that secure people can learn a lot and grow from encountering different people and ideas, but that insecure people can be threatened by differences and that can make them hostile.”
Lately, my little one wants to know why some people are bad. It’s such a tough question to answer. But that’s a start.
I’ve had many a long-term relationship with people of other ethnicities… Indian and Pakistani mainly… and I used to wonder about how best to raise potential children with appreciation of all their roots… not just the white or the desi (subcontinental). I had planned on exposing my kids to all kinds of cultures and religions. To show them a bit of the Catholocism of my mother’s side, the Protestantism of my father’s side and also wherever background my partner came from. Then I’d like to expose them to cultures that I have learned a lot from…. maybe go to a godwara or a hindu temple or check out the baha’i and DEFINITELY do some meditating and learning of basic Buddhist principles. My goal was to show potential children that different cultures, religions, countries… etc… had wisdom and other beautiful things to offer… and to teach them the open-mindedness to explore and find helpful things from all corners of the world.
One of the most helpful things I learned in overcoming the racism and elitism of the family that raised me was realizing that PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. Black, brown, yellow, red, white, from whatever country and whatever religion… people are people and it is important to look for the positives in other cultures and think in terms of similarities rather than differences.
I am white and have married a man who is not only white, but from mostly the same european countries that my ancestory stems from… and I wonder if it will be an even bigger challenge to not make sure future children will be exposed to all sorts of cultures. It is really important to me that they are, so they they don’t return to the small-mindedness of my mother’s family…
And then I remember my grandmother’s shame that she was some major part Native American (1/2 Blackfoot, apparently) and I feel sad that she should feel shame for such a beautiful ancestory. So many thoughts when racism comes up… 😉
I struggle with the “exposing to different cultures” thing sometimes. As being of a non-dominant religion my little one is exposed to Christianity if I like it or not. As she gets older, I would love for her to experience other religions and cultures through the eyes of her friends’ families, but if she doesn’t have friends from other cultures, then this can’t happen. So it’s important to be as open as possible to opportunities to share cultures and our own culture as well.
Oh yes! I definitely agree that making sure our kids have exposure to their own culture is also hugely important. I think it is important to strike a balance between teaching our children where they come from and also in being open to other sources of wisdom and spirituality.
However, I don’t agree that friends’ families are the only source of cultural exposure. One way I have tried to learn more about other cultures is thruogh books… way too many books by religious masters, cultural icons, history books and theology. Then there are always documentaries and stuff like that. I also like to dig things up on the internet to learn whatever I can. I have a passion for this stuff… it’s some major hobby of mine or something. Or maybe it’s more than that…It’s just… coming from such an insular family that is still so obsessed with remaining pure to their history, I have this fear of my own kids becoming too credulous or prideful of their own culture… to where all other ways of doing things are seen as “less than” and even evil. I suppose my reaction against all that annoying upper-class, elitist, British purism has been a “rebellion” that seeks out wisdom from places that would horrify my mother… a woman who even thinks that Italians and Spaniards are barely human, let alone people OUTSIDE of Europe! OMG… they are hardly even primates… to her mind that is…
As a teen, my angry aim was to prove that my mother’s idea of cultural superiority was really the height of stupidity and that every and any other culture was better than the part of her ancestory that she obsesses on. That has matured into learning to appreciate the good of the cultures I come from (even the one I was beaten over the head with as a child) and also seeking wisdom elsewhere…. so, “rebellion” at this point is definitely not the right word for it anymore. Being that angry and rebellious is never fun anyway, so I’m glad I grew out of that. I think it’s really ironic that the world my mother created with single-minded focus on the culture that she thought was best caused her daughter to react so fully against all that – at least, at first. Though, even to the extent I have matured now, she still doesn’t approve, even though I’ve finally opened my mind to even the good the elitist, castle-owning Brit stuff (seriously… the fam had (has?) one). Being open is dangerous and naive, of course – to my mother’s mind.
I had no idea this subject was such a can of worms for me… Heh. I suppose I’ll end my ramble now. 😉
—– Edit to add:
Ah… I see! I’ve come back to add that apparently I just wanted to say what Babs said more efficiently and clearly than I did… Hah. Thank you for the wise and lovely comment, Babs. Had I read your comment first before posting this comment, I would’ve just said “ditto Babs!” Hehehehehhee…
As a biracial/cultural person, I can say you are doing the right thing. Let your kid be herself and teach her to respect others. Growing up my parents never made a fuss about my being “different” from other kids and just let me experience both cultures in a natural way. Having two very large families helped in that I was not singled out in any way (especially since I have biracial cousins.) Being Biracial/cultural gives me a unique view of the world, I am both and outsider and insider to both cultures. A “duel citizen” so to speak, giving me a view on both sides that a person of one race could never have. There are also many more biracial children now then when I was growing up making it less of an issue to many people. Your daughter will still come up against prejudice in her life but a strong foundation of acceptance and respect will help her be a fully formed person outside of her race(s).
Maya, your perspective is super valuable. Our family isn’t very large — my daughter’s cousins live far away, but the “duel citizen” perspective is an important one.
I’ll keep working on the acceptance and respect part!
My religion (or, the type of Asatru that I practice anyway) is tolerant of other cultures and ethnicities. It is a reconstructionist religion, so most people come to Asatru by researching into their ethnic background (Northern European). So, that said, most of us are white. We have one half-asian young man, and another attended last time (I could tell that he had a more diverse background, but this being America, I was too polite to ask).
Part of being Asatru is weeding out the Neo-Nazi A-holes. I have met a few, and ALL of them have made me feel so stained that I wanted to take a long, searing hot shower. I have ONCE shared a ritual with a FAMILY of them (I had no idea beforehand, until one kid hailed Hitler during the ritual. ICK!). Asatru is plagued by the hate of 1940’s Germany – 70 years after all of that junk started. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished that Hitler never existed. The ugly things that he did with our sacred symbols was barbaric (originally the swastika, or fylfot, was a symbol of life, the wheel of the year, and perpetual motion). Enough has been written about what he and his followers had done to the Jews, habitual criminals, homosexuals, and who they deemed “Asocials” – I think we all know how evil and criminal those actions were, and I don’t want to repeat what many scholars have written on the topic.
Honestly, I’ve tried to bend my mind around why people would want to be Asatru if their ancestors weren’t from Northern Europe. There are groups who out-and-out BAR people due to mixed racial backgrounds. This happened to a friend of mine who (although she looked Wonder-Bread white) was 1/4 Cherokee.
It finally occurred to me when visiting an SCA event with my best friend. There was a black kid who wanted to have a Viking persona in the SCA. Did they stop him? Nope! They need all the heavy-fighters they can get. This happens often enough that they have a name for it. They call him, and others like him: “A Norse of a Different Color” hee!
The Northern European tribes did the same: if someone of a different ethnicity learned the language and was ingrained in the culture – then he would be accepted as a full member of the tribe (with a prominent tribesman to stand with him and vouch for him, of course). There is nothing wrong with this. Diversity is cool!
That said, I remember someone commenting on another blog that we should all just intermarry, because in 200 years, we’ll all be brown anyway. My retort: You can hear it, if you listen REEEEAL hard: the death of culture. Believe it or not, there are people out there that are determined to keep the CULTURE alive. Not necessarily RACE, but CULTURE. Part of culture is being able to identify your fellow tribesman – and in this global technological world of ours, it means: skin color, clothing, hairstyles, jewelry. We don’t know everyone; since our world is so big, we have to resort to visual cues, at least initially.
I do support racial diversity. Connecting with other cultures is good. But if we become so mixed as to become homogenized – we’ll just be like everyone else. I know that it is not really a popular opinion, especially in America. I believe that racial homogenization will result in the DEATH of culture, and the death of tribal religions and traditions.
Sorry for the long post. There is no simple way for me to say how I feel. In America, especially in the South, we are taught to keep our mouths closed about race. It is ‘oh, so terrible’ to be THOUGHT OF as a racist. This is all about appearances – the reality does not matter. It does not occur to some people that just because a person’s views differ from the mainstream, it does NOT mean that their beliefs are any less valid.
I respect people of other religions, races, and cultures. It may be just the way I was raised – I just don’t see why one would want to marry someone of another race. I don’t think it’s bad, or that they are undermining their culture; I don’t treat them like a second-class citizen because of it. I just don’t understand it. In fact, I respect them more for going against the status quo; doing what they think is right and just.
Love is love. You can’t control it.
Love may not be the whole answer. But it definitely is a part of it.
Aud, I think that when two people come together, there is always some negotiating about culture, and what is preserved and what is tossed. I don’t think of being Jewish as being part of a “race” or even a “tribe” — I subscribe to the idea of Judaism as a civilization (among other things). My thought about being with someone who wasn’t Jewish was that whoever I was with, being Jewish was a big part of me, so they would need to accept and embrace it along with the rest of me. In that way, my culture would be preserved.
If my husband had chosen to marry another Indian Jewish person rather than me, he may have preserved his culture more, but we wouldn’t have the “mix” we do, which is delightful. We end up with chicken soup and matzo balls with some curry in it (it gives the soup a lovely color and hint of spice) and a variety of mixed-together traditions. I think it’s an enhancement and enrichment rather than a stagnation.
I think that as you’ve talked about, sometimes there is a culture that draws you in and you become accepted, and then that you came from a different background can be less of a threat to the group as a whole. It sounds like you found your religion as an adult, which is not that different.
I never thought of my husband as being of a different race from me. I don’t think his skin tone or other physical features determine anything essential about him. He is gorgeous, kind, generous, warm, bright, an amazing father, loving, nurturing, strong, a million other things. That’s why I am with him — it didn’t require me to “look past” anything to be with him. I didn’t seek to be with someone of a “different race” — I wanted to be with him.
Also, I don’t think we’ll be like everyone else — with one, homogonized culture. Our daughter’s cultural heritage contains so much and is not like most anyone else’s. Look at how many cultures we have in the world that have not faded. Maybe how I think of being Jewish is part of it — it has survived and changed and adapted and splintered into myriad cultures and yet still remains intact and recognizable. Jewish people are such a mix of ethnicities and cultures and yet I would never think of this as “impurity.”