I spoke to AGR today and told her that I really thought I should be taken off this blog. I told her I had no time, the job was killing me and that I just didn’t feel “recovered enough” to post anymore. I told her that I felt like I should be much better at this and that I always “wanted to be an inspiration.”
I’m sure you can guess what she told me. She said, “post about it. You know others will relate to what you’re going through.” So here I am.
Part of my recovery from compulsive overeating has been to accept myself…warts and all. Another part has been to promise myself to never diet again – to take my focus off of food. A major part has been to “deal with” my past and to move forward as much as possible. Another main component has been to be honest with me and those around me.
My heart is aching. I’m not the inspiration I want to be to others. I’m too embarrassed to post because I don’t feel “good enough” to. I’m not recoverED, I’m still IN recovery, dang it! I still focus on food and weight. I don’t accept myself. I have some major self-loathing moments. I let the past rule my present and I just feel like such a failure.
I had a passion when we started this blog to help others who suffered with low self-esteem based on society’s perception of fat people and their misconceptions. I had a passion about sharing my story and telling others it is possible to be happy, healthy and FAT. I wanted to put myself out there so people would know they’re not alone in their struggle…and here I sit. Feeling unworthy, unloveable and disgusting…feeling like fat is a four letter word that describes my whole life as the depths of despair and disappointment.
I wanted to support, not feel like I needed to get support just to get up the next morning.
Here I am, asking for your support. I feel like I’m where I started in 2005 – -the time in my life where I meant nothing. I feel like I’m at the door of despair just waiting for someone to let me in so I can wallow full on in my disgust of myself. I feel like the work I’ve done the last four years has been for naught. All the therapy, the crying spells, the anti-depressants, the trips to the gym, the books I’ve read, the days I spent online trying to get the support I needed…useless.
I feel like I’m sinking…and then AGR says, “post about it”.
So here I go. I found out last week at my annual physical that I am indeed starting menopause. My job is going through some major staff changes right now and it’s taking a toll on me. My birthday is tomorrow and I’ll be 46 (not so much happy that I’m getting older and older). My husband is in the process of possibly getting a new job. My physical set backs have scared me into not going to the gym at all anymore. I’m “feeling fat”. I’m letting society’s perceptions get to me.
I’m humbly coming to you asking for support. I don’t get to come here and blog like I would like and I don’t get to even respond to my commenters like I would like but please feel free to respond. I’ll do my best to respond because I need your help. I’m definitely in a pot hole in my recovery. I try to tell myself that I’m IN recovery and that’s ok but I still expect too much of myself.
I’m open for anything you can send my way. If you made it through that, thank you for reading.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Hi – this is the first time I’ve happened on your blog, and this post really struck a chord with me. I’m 48, starting menopause, I was laid off in June (thankfully I’ve found a new gig), and though I won a 20+ year battle with Bulimia, I still am trying to beat my life long problem with Binge Eating. I’ve felt like you are feeling, and although I’m not in that place now, I’m sure I’ll be there again. You just have to remember people love you, and that this is only a temporary bad spot in the road – things WILL get better! And try to be kind to yourself, you deserve it…
I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. Recovery is hard. Sometimes it sucks. Sending warm thoughts your way. (((HUG)))
Perhaps recovery and self acceptance is like grief and forgiveness — you wallow in it for a while, and think you have gotten through it, but then it seems to pop up at inopportune moments requiring yet more closure. It seems to be like that for me. Every year I can look back and see how far I have come, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a long way to go.
I am probably a very self accepting person but I also have moments of lack of self acceptance, and of diet thoughts and lack of acceptance of my weight/body thoughts — I don’t think that means we are failing. It’s a process, and I reach for some inspiration, and regain my balance.
We are surrounded by messages that go counter to what we are trying to promote. It’s really hard to avoid that.
I am not expecting anyone in the fatosphere to be a paragon of fat acceptance virtue or perfectly recovered eating. Thanks for being willing to share your vulnerability.
I support you! Looking back on my perimenopausal years, I wonder that my family still loves me! Moody, depressed to the point of letting an entire summer slide by doing nothing fun. I, too, wanted to cry everyday and had a lot of moments of self-loathing.
Well, note that I said, “Looking back”…a year or so ago, that hormonal time ended. I’ve been more even-tempered and when I turned 50, I bought myself a beautiful bracelet with 50 crystals and promised an adventure a month.
Hang in there! Hiding or staying away won’t really help. Please keep posting.
Sassyblonde, you may think you haven’t inspired anyone, and maybe inspired isn’t the right word for what you’ve done for me. Nevertheless, I look forward to your posts tremendously. I’ve learned from you, gotten support from you, and enjoyed your writing more than I can say.
I think one of the most important things we do as bloggers is tell our truths. You’ve done that, and – I firmly believe – will continue to do so to all our benefits. Life is a work in progress for all of us. Everyone has dark times and rough patches. We get through them by remembering that others have made it, and we’re as strong and as worthy as they are. Sharing your hard times with us does just as much good as sharing your triumphs, because we all need to remember that nobody can be perfect all the time.
Whether or not you believe in you at this moment, remember that there are a bunch of us out here in the ether who do believe in you.
Be kind to yourself.
(((huge lovey hugs)))
First I must get this out of the way: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! I know you aren’t excited about getting older, but I will just share the wisdom of Rose Nylund (of “The Golden Girls” fame) as a silly internet birthday gift: “My mother always said, the older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”
I can only speak for myself, but I found this post pretty damn inspirational and so relatable; I have definitely felt the way you described here. You, like everyone else on this earth, are a work in progress and that in itself is inspirational. I rarely feel awe, or at least much longstanding awe, looking at things like paintings or tall buildings or any of that; I find that the real inspiration is found watching someone create a beautiful painting or building a building a zillion times taller than me. The finished products are great, but it is the act of doing something that is impressive.
You are at a low point right now and those can seem insurmountable, but I think you did the first step fighting back against that: you’re talking about it. You are keeping on, even though it feels like you aren’t getting anywhere right now. And I think that’s really inspirational.
I’m on anti-depressants too, probably lifelong at this point. I’m telling myself that choosing to take the drugs to make me feel better is really no different than wearing my glasses so I can see. But, you know, I can tell that I don’t believe it as I ought. I can tell because when I see my kids needing glasses, it doesn’t bother me; but when I realize that my older son is alreading taking anti-depressants and he’s not even a teen yet, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. And he’s getting plump too, and I am trying my best to emphasize that he eats fruits and vegetables, and gets outside to play. Yet I have to bite my lip sometimes about his weight. Gah.
Yeah, we’re all fallible; and it really helps to see others are struggling too. It’s good to have people who’ve made it; but awfully tempting to think they’re pristine and we just can’t do it. When we see others slogging through the mud and the swamps, then well, we can link elbows and keep going.
So, here’s an elbow. Let’s get muddy.
This post makes me want to hear from you MORE. A lot of the things you’ve said here resonate with me because honestly, I feel like that too sometimes. The fact that you post about it and face these feelings head on makes you so brave. I admire that.
You are an inspiration because you’re taking us on the journey with you and teaching along the way. The bumps on the journey are such great learning opportunities that I wish FA bloggers would address them more.
I don’t usually comment ever because I never feel my comments are important, but I feel the need to come out of my lurking and tell you that you ARE good enough and even though right now things may seem bad there is always tomorrow.
I hope my small comment has made a difference. 😀
You inspire me.
Your honesty.
Your bravery.
Your beauty.
Your strength.
Your persistence.
I don’t expect anything of you… but I’m always learning something, always inspired to examine something from a different perspective.
Words you write stick with me.
Reading your writing is like eating a very satifying meal.
I know how it feels to have those moments where you lose perspective and it feels like all the work you’ve done has gone out the window. But it just feels that way — those thoughts aren’t accurate.
I’m glad AGR gave you the advice to write about this.
You are amazing.
Thank you for writing this. I can relate.
Love,
WRT2
Thank you so much for posting that. I’m so sorry that you’re in what feels like a pothole…I’m there tonight myself, but I’ve never been brave or generous enough to reach out and blog about it. And honestly, when I talk to someone who professes to be ‘recoverED’…I tend not to trust them. Western thought is so mercilessly linear that we think our lives have to be that way, too, always progressing forward in an increasingly ‘better’ direction, whatever that means. The last four years have not been wasted. They have been part of your journey, no more, no less.
Emerson said something to the effect that our strength grows out of our weaknesses (though it’s a much easier quote to stomach on a good day, I know). By sharing this with us, you have shown incredible strength. I have no advice, only the warmest of cyber-hugs. Be well and please keep posting.
Peace,
Sara
We all need help sometimes, and its nothing to be ashamed of. We’re only human, there is no perfect person out there. What you’re feeling is okay — things WILL get better.
Just know that you’re not alone.
Sending positive thoughts your way!
I don’t want to downsize what you’re going to right now. But everybody hurts and it’s an honour that you share it with us. We want to spread our love just as much as you do. We want to help those who need it. And rght now, you need it. Nothing wrong with that.
You will survive and then you will start to feel better and you will grow back stranger than you were before, I just know it.
Told ya so. 😛
Hehehehe… just teasing you a bit.
Being a “perfect recovery goddess” just isn’t going to happen. You know from our daily chats that I have my ups and downs. We all do… and that’s okay. It’s just part and parcel of being human.
Besides… like a lot of other folks have pointed out, we grow stronger from the troughs. We learn. We grow. If it wasn’t for the troughs, we would never have those lovely peaks where we feel like we have it all together and always will.
I have every ounce of faith that you are capable of surviving this trough and finding the next peak. YOU ARE an inspiration. 🙂
I too am glad you posted. Personally as I walk the path in HAES/FA I have a lot of questions and have my little ping pong games between self doubt and gratitude. I am grateful to have found this wonderful online community.
This community has taught me about privilege. I am 43 and I guess not having the prospect of menopause is part of my male privilege. I can personally relate to everything else you wrote about (except the husband part)
I still binge eat. I also am seeing a GRADUAL decrease in the frequency and intensity of this behavior. This has come, I believe, from a complete release of any timeline in moving from binge eating to intuitive eating. I can (most of the time) appreciate that I have the intention to intuitively eat most of the time and letting this process unfold means sometimes isolating and eating myself to sleep in a stew of self loathing… Sometimes it means being inspired by the integrity, inspiration, and love that is evident in your post and the comments from the community.
Happy Birthday!!!
Thanks for this post – I am just beginning my (hopefully) road to recovery and its a process. I guess we have good days and bad days. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other – eventually you will get to a different place.
I have a magnet in my office that I should read more often, but it says, “no one ever has it all together”, that’s like trying to eat “for once and for all”.
🙂
Just want to add another voice of encouragement.
I don’t know enough about the particulars of recovery from disordered eating to speak with full-on wisdom about the challenging patch you’re in right now. But I really want to affirm what’s been said here about the tremendous VALUE of showing your vulnerabilities and sharing the ups and downs of your recovery process.
I kind of think that a lot of people struggle with the expectation that they always show a face of progress, even when their growth/recovery feels very circular and irregular. (In the “two steps forward, one step back” kind of way.)
Seeing you be brave enough to reach out for help, seeing the compassion with which you’ve been greeted: well, that memory is gonna help me out, in my OWN next rough patch. It’s going to remind me that I don’t have to hide the imperfections of my own growth towards self-acceptance, it’s going to remind me that I can find support and encouragement if I open myself up to let it in.
In my eyes, that’s the quintessential definition of being an inspiration. Thank you for that.
Thank you for this post, as reading about the difficulties that another blog writer has made me feel much less alone. I wish you so much luck, strength and admire the courage it must have taken to write that post. I hope that, as angrygrayrainbows points out, seeing all these comments helps to keep you going.
Happy Birthday sassyblonde! Enjoy your special day 🙂
I read your post and I started to get teary. I know this probably won’t mean much coming from a 20 year old, but things will get better soon. They always do!
My thoughts and prayers are with you :*
Being honest about your process IS an inspiration. As someone else pointed out, if we only wrote about our triumps, how would anyone who is struggling be able to relate? We all need to see the truth of it. Your experiences will help us all see that if we’re in a slump, it’s not because we’re ‘doing it wrong’. It’s an integral part of the process. Much love and support coming your way.
Sassy:
Here’s the downside: you may be IN recovery your whole life. It sucks. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been in recovery of “stuff” for almost 20 years now (and by that, I mean going to counselors, self-help groups, facilitating self-help groups, group counseling, reading self-help books and doing the exercises in them, etc etc etc) And yes, I’m still seeing a counselor.
However, here’s the upside: Even though you are IN recovery, you are still helping people. You are helping yourself. You are much further along today than you were four years ago.
Everybody has bad days, or weeks, or months. You have a lot going on right now, what with starting menopause, turning a higher number than you want to see (btw, happy birthday! 🙂 ), your husband’s job situation. It’s going to follow with all the added stress that you don’t think you are doing enough (read: inspirational enough).
You are.
Just by being you and sharing what you do, you are inspirational enough.
Warts and all. 🙂
Your responses overwhelm me. Thank you so much.
An update. My birthday is going well. No big parades or balloons and whistles but many birthday wishes and a pretty good day overall.
I found time at different times of the day to come here and read your responses and each time I came back I had more to read. That was so totally awesome that I cannot begin to tell you how it made me feel.
TheFatGirlBlogs, thank you so much for telling me that this menopause thing does get better. It’s also nice to know someone out there knows what I’m talking about and how difficult it actually be to get through. The reminder to be kind to myself was much needed also. Thank you.
CTJen, loved it. “Sometimes it sucks”. Yep, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Thanks for the cyber hug.
Halle, you’re right. There are many times I look back and see how far I’ve come. You really can see the struggle for perfection, huh? It’s funny because I don’t see myself as anywhere near perfection but I continue to strive for it in everything. Such disappointments I set myself up for.
Karen, absolutely loved that you bought yourself the bracelet for your 50th! That is a great idea that I might very well steal from you!
Twistie, I really appreciate your words of encouragement, truly. Thank you so much.
Jae, thank you so much for the huge hugs and for the comments about the act of doing something being impressive. I see exactly what you’re talking about. I guess when I stop acting on my recovery is when I will no longer be IN recovery. It’s not a bad thing to be IN recovery. After a while, all the actions will culminate into something awesome (and already have). Thanks!
Piffle, I’d love nothing more than linking to your elbow and getting muddy! Thanks!
Oh Des, just the fact that you chose to comment to me makes me feel good. Thank you so much for that. I found it interesting that you said: “The bumps on the journey are such great learning opportunities that I wish FA bloggers would address them more.” That is exactly why AGR and I (and WRT2) decided to blog about this. We wanted people to feel like they could come to a site that’s FA friendly and honest….about it ALL. We want our blog to come from the heart and not be bogged down with facts and science but to have a blog with heart and feeling. Please comment more…your voice IS important.
WRT2, thank you so much. I feel like I’ve neglected this site so much and haven’t even been able to keep up with emails that you probably feel left out in the rain where I’m concerned. Nothing could be further from the truth and I will attempt to do better in the future. Your words are an inspiration to me. Thank you!
Spotter (Sara), exactly! Linear progress is what everyone seems to strive for knowing full well there are dips and mountains in any form of recovery. My journey has not ended and for that I need to be grateful – it’s just taken a temporary detour and that’s fine. Thank you for the reminder!
Kate, thank you so much for sending the positive thoughts. I think they’re breaking through my tough exterior and making it through. Thanks!
Nathreee, thank you. I needed to hear that! It’s much appreciated!
AGR, I know you’re doing the “nya, nya, nya dance” and singing, “I told you so”. Thanks for challenging me to post about my struggle. It has indeed helped me A LOT!
nycivan, thank you for your response. Loved the part where you said you didn’t have a “timeline”. I need to remember that part too. The expectations I put on myself are usually based on doing “X” by a certain time or in a certain amount of time. Where am I going? Does time really matter? No, not in this case. Thanks again!
datagirl09, boy do I need to borrow your magnet! tee hee
MezzoSherri, thank you so much for your response. I so appreciate the encouragement. “A face of progress”…that is very interesting. To me, that means I want people to see my progress and for me, that would mean weight loss and mobility which is not happening right now. If I’m honest though, my face of progress would be that I smile and attempt to do far more than I ever have in my life. My face of progress would say that I’ve come through the marriage from hell on the other side and love my husband more than anything. My face of progress would be my ability to put myself out there and be made vulnerable. Thank you so much for giving this to think about. I love the phrase “face of progress” and you’ll probably see it some more from me.
Ms. Corporealities, thanks for the birthday wish. And yes the comments will help me keep going. I’m in it for the long haul even though sometimes I think I’m just going to give up.
cathy! A response from a 20 year old won’t mean anything? Are you freakin’ kidding me? I’m so happy you’ve come upon our site and I pray with all my heart that if you’re struggling with what we are that you start now to see your worth and move forward to make life wonderful for yourself! At 20, I knew something was wrong but there were not sites or many books like we have now. There were only organized diet organizations to make you feel even more unworthy or not good enough. I hope you come along with us on our journey and that your own journey is what you deserve!
Julie, I do hope that posting about my trials will help even one other person to know they’re not alone (just as you guys have done for me here). Thanks for your encouragement!
welshwmn3, aww, thank you. I appreciate hearing from you and really appreciate this response. Reminders about dips and potholes really help sometimes.
So to end for now, A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS RESPONDED UP TO NOW! These responses were so important to me that I MADE time to respond back! You guys are so great to me! Thank you so much!
~sas
It really sucks that you’re in such a bad place right now. I’m not going to tell you that it’s not that bad, because it is. It’s shit. Change is hard.
But I will tell you right now that even if you don’t feel strong right now, your body is. Your brain is incredibly good at what it does, and that includes coping with shit you feel like you can’t handle. It might not be tomorrow, but eventually, you’ll look back at where you are now and not be able to comprehend what it was like to be here, because your brain was already worked it out.
It will pass. Life will go on. You will get better. You will be stronger than ever.
You can DO this.
I really appreciate your honest words and I certainly have compassion for you. This is my first time commenting on your blog, but I will say that what you’ve described ebbs and flows for many of us. When you’re “working on yourself” there really is no end point, it’s more like a spiral and every time it spins you see yourself and your issues from a new angle. Which ultimately leads you to more work of course. The even harder part is taking care of yourself and being healthy even in the midst of the hard stuff. I don’t know if you’re in to Susan Powter at all, but she talks a lot about that.
Best of luck to you.
I can relate to what you’re going through. My weight has been everywhere, from 158 to 300 and all points in-between. No matter what I weighed, I despised my body, even when I was (for me) anorexically thin and bulemic. I still saw myself as a big clumsy horse. And I quit drinking 10 years ago. These days that feels like–pardon the pun–a piece of cake compared to dealing with my eating!
Hang in there. I write a blog under a pseudonym that is plus-size positive all the way, and for me, it helps. I might not feel too hot about myself from day to day, but “she” does. I’m not urging you to fake feelings you don’t have, but to let you know that I’m right there with you.
More responses? Thank you so much!!!
Anna, you talked about thinking you couldn’t cope with the things life throws at you but that this is unrealistic. We can cope and I have coped in the past. I’ve coped with losing both parents, one to congestive heart failure and a very long illness and the other to a cancer that spread so quickly that it was devastating. I’ve coped with abuses and abandonment. I’ve coped with marital problems. I can cope with this and come through on the other side. Thank you for that reminder.
Trenia, loved your reference to constantly uncovering more stuff when you are “working on yourself”. True, so true. It’s a neverending journey but it can be traveled with support like you guys and loving forces in real time.
Powderpuff, loved your encouraging response. Thank you so much!!