For those of you who missed out on part I, click here. In summary, my mother said my cousin wasn’t invited to any family function in the future (such as the family reunion) because she has a black partner and two biracial children (black and white). I told her this was racist… drama ensued…
Today I got a few messages from my mother. She said that she will never speak to me again because I “called her names” (told her she was being racist) and “threatened” her (stated that I will contact other family members to see where they stand on the racism issue and if they agree on alienating family that associates with other races and to see if I could challenge the racism in any ways).
My mother disinheriting me is just whatever. She’s been a ridiculous source of toxicity in my life for as long as I can remember in just about every way I can think of. She’s definitely a pathological liar and I suspect also a sociopath. In other words, she’s a nasty handful. Always has been. I’ve been on the verge of cutting off communications with her for my whole adult life. The only reason that I ever kept open communications is that I also have no communication with my biological father (he’s one scary character… even worse than my mother), I’m an only child and the rest of my family isn’t close and don’t even return phone calls. I just wanted some family in my life, but maybe that is even too much crap for too little reward. My husband would be more than happy if I never spoke to my mother again. From his point of view, she just drives me crazy with her nastiness.
I replied with the following email (edited only to protect names):
I am emailing so that my words are documented and will be less likely to be confused.
I never said I would have nothing to do with any family. I said I would not participate in any family reunion that is discriminatory. I stand by this, because I do not want to give any implicit “thumbs up” to racist behavior.
As for “name calling”… here is the definition of racism from dictionary.com:
rac⋅ism /ˈreɪsɪzəm/ [rey-siz-uhm]
–noun1.a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule or exclude others.
2.a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3.hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.
I remember distinctly you saying that my cousin could not attend a family reunion because she has half black children. That is a racist stance and when I see something so horrific, I feel obliged to call it as I see it and say that it’s not okay… because racism is not okay.
Beyond all this, I find it hippocritical that a woman who has been married to a so-called brown person and who had no problem with my ex who was from the subcontinent wants to take some stand on black people. I also find this personally insulting as you should know that I am not even fully white myself. My grandmother (bio father’s mother) is 1/2 Blackfoot Indian – as you confirmed for me. Guess what? Your child isn’t “pure” white either. I suppose the whole family should alienate you then? Or is it okay, because it’s hard to see the Indian in my features unless you know to look for it?As for “threats”… I’m not sure why you see it that way. I had planned to contact people and ask them generally what they felt about rumors of family racism without using your name or my cousin’s name, because I spoke to her and she’s not interested in the drama. Either way, if you stand so proudly of your views of exclusing someone based on the race of their children, I have no idea why anyone stating this would be a threat unless you are ashamed and therefore secretive of your views – thus not wanting anyone to know that you told me that my cousin cannot go to any family function simply because of the race of her children and partner.
I personally really don’t have a clue what Dad (step-dad) thinks about any of this, since he tells me one thing and then you tell me that he said another. Either he is telling me whatever he thinks I want to hear or you are lying. I really don’t care which it is, but at the same time these paradoxes are annoying and confusing. Ultimately, I don’t really care who agrees or disagrees with me. What is important to me is that I do the right thing and stand for the right things… thus, it is important to me that I stand against racism, do not condone racism and call a spade a spade when it stands proudly before me excluding someone based purely on race. It takes courage to stand against people who disagree so fervently and see me as such a “threat,” but I couldn’t live with myself if I just stood by and let the people closest to me behave in such ways without protesting in any way.
Beyond wanting to do the right things, I care about the youth of our family (whether you realize this or not). I care about my other little cousins and their potential for being “cast out” for marrying the “wrong race” or even being gay or bisexual. What about my own kids? I certainly will not raise my own children to be racist and I will stand against any person who wants to alienate them for loving a black person or being gay or whatever else. My husband and I agree that there will be no shame whatsoever if our grandchildren are mixed or even just adopted because their parents are gay. Having straight kids that marry white people or never marry at all would also be okay… whatever. I feel a duty to at least try to create an environment of inclusion in this family for sake of my own future kids and other people of my generation in this family… in addition because it is JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
I have no idea how a minister’s wife (who takes so much pride in the title) could have so little compassion for others based on the color of their skin. Racism is such an ugly personal defect that I would hope that anyone discovering it within themselves would at least work to become better people and learn to not judge people solely on the darkness or lightness of skin pigments regardless of family or peer-pressure to do the opposite.
I didn’t send this to try to reconcile. It annoys me that she twists my words and all that and I wanted to speak my mind clearly and loudly. I don’t know why I even wanted to send this email, since I’ve learned that nothing I say is going to make my mother sane, compassionate or ethical. Sending her those words is like trying to talk to a brick wall. The place where I do feel heard is this blog… maybe I wrote that email so I could ultimately vent to ya’all? Who knows. Maybe some part of me deep down still thinks she can be reasoned with… maybe trying to speak sense to her is an old habit… whatever…
Right now I’m just tired and want to be left alone. So, of course, I went out on the back deck and saw this poor, adorable squirrel in a trap that the landlord put out. I didn’t hesitate in letting the squirrel out. My land-lord is a moronic busy-body who seems to think that he’ll spontaneously combust if he’s not making enemies out of stray cats, squirrels or whatever else. He admitted to me that he does something illegal in capturing these squirrels that he hates and then he dumps them off in a forest preserve. It annoys me to no end… Maybe the squirrels are happier in the forest. I have no clue. If I was having a better day, I prolly would’ve let the squirrel be and wish it luck on it’s forest adventures. But, not today. It was either let the squirrel out or spend the whole evening crying. I chose the former.
But… ya know what? Now, I’ve opened myself up to that dumbass knocking on my door (cuz he will knock on my door for ANY anomaly) and asking me why there is no food in the trap, but no squirrel… plus I didn’t know how to set the trap back up again after I let the squirrel out… I wanted to do this merely to cover my tracks. 😉 I cannot wait to move out of this place. So, I will get to explain to this jerk how I did it. Period. And, I’m sure that he’ll want to have a conversation about “respect.” He assumes every time I do something that he doesn’t like it’s cuz I don’t respect him. He’s obsessed with respect. It was also disrespectful when rather than putting his clothes that were left in the washing machine in the dryer, I set them ON the dryer… so he says. I did this OUT OF RESPECT, because I didn’t know if he was picky about how his clothes were dried (god knows he’s picky about everything else) and I didn’t want to step on his toes. I suspect this dude has an ego the size of a hot air balloon the way this guy is so fixated on “respect.” Agh. Sometimes I really hate people…
If you’re new to this blog, I suggest you take a look at the Rules, before commenting. Here is an especially important excerpt:
Be respectful. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. No, not even if you want to be cruel to someone “for their own good”…
In case the above doesn’t make this obvious – trolls will be ignored. Comments that were obviously written to push the buttons of the bloggers or commentors will be ignored. Comments that straight-up annoy me will be ignored. This is our blog and we have no obligation to post any comment we don’t wanna. Nya nya.
My rants on racism are like troll nectar or something. But whatever, the attention only flatters me. 😉 A big MWAH to you trolls.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Ohhhhhhh I’m so sorry you are having this yuckiness right now, but I admire you so much for taking a stand on this. It’s not easy to stand up to family (at least not for me) but you are doing it.
You have such a big and tender heart. The squirrels and kitties thank you.
I’m so sorry about all this drama with your mom. I like your email, and I like that you helped the squirrel. Thanks for being brave and caring about other living creatures (kitties, squirrels, and the members of your family who are being discriminated against).
Oh, and that picture of the angry green applies cracks me up. 🙂
You are better off without the toxic racism around you.
I have had similar issues with my NRA, right wing father who can’t accept his lesbian daughter (me) who has adopted black children with her partner. It has gotten so we go years without contact. His loss, certainly not mine, as he misses out on the cutest grandkids evah(!) and I just miss out on a cranky hater.
I think you have a right to express your opinion on the matter. Whether your mother reads it, comprehends it, or is willing to acknowledge her own issues is immaterial. Sometimes you just need to tell people what you think, whether it does any good or not. (I am also a bitch… so there is that, but I do occasionally just go “on the record” with stuff like this. And I find that it helps ME, and though that sounds selfish, we all have a right to be selfish sometimes.)
You know, there are times in life when you just need to call a spade a f***ing shovel and let the chips fall where they may.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this, but I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing by refusing to be party to racism.
It sometimes amazes me how resilient the human mind can be. Although you were obviously raised in less than “healthy” conditions, you have risen above and come out more healthy than how you were raised.
Your mother has issues…there’s no doubt about that. It’s her perrogative to stay in the mindset she is in but she’s missing out on a whole lot the world has to offer her. Most of all, she’s missing out on what could be a great relationship with her own daughter.
I’m very proud of you for standing up as you have. It’s hard to go against a parent but sometimes you just have to do what is right. Take care of yourself!!!
…I have so much empathy for you, AGR. My mother and I loved eachother fiercely, but also disagreed fiercely about some topics like you’ve described between you and your mom. I wrote her long letters to clarify my words, so she wouldn’t be hurt. She was hurt anyway. She was incapable of hearing me correctly, if that makes sense.
It is so very difficult lots of times to be “alone” (go to my blog and search ‘Thing One’ *haha!*)
But I have a world of hope for you and your future…you have a kind heart (squirrel avenger! yay!) and you have a supportive husband…these factors will help save your @ss time and again where your mom is concerned. You wouldn’t be having ‘issues’ with her if you didn’t love her (you might just say ‘screw it!’ and stop trying to communicate)…I don’t know what will happen with you and your mom, but you are making such a genuine effort that this cannot go unnoticed by the Universe!
* ; )
In this situation, you really have to decide which is more important – a relationship with your immediate family, or doing the thing that, in your heart, is right.
I don’t think that I would be able to do what you did. I (and just recently my gay brother) have learned much about our grandparents – it does hurt that they are somewhat racist (although they are perfectly polite in public, they tend to vent in private, thank gods)- but I try my best to completely understand the situation before I pass judgment. My grandparents (both sets) were raised in rural southern IL. They LEARNED racism – it is not something that someone is born with. I was raised in rural North Florida – I received a liberal dose of racism as well. When I moved to a more populated area, I learned much about black people – like, for instance, that although their culture is different, in most ways, they are just like us! My grandparents did not have the benefit of living in a more populated area, meeting more diverse people and learning about them. So now, in their seventies, they have no DESIRE to learn about people of other races. Sad, but it is just the way they are. In their community, it is accepted. The best I can do (because although mildly annoying, they are not TOXIC, and I love them) is say “Hey – is that really necessary? Thought not!” when they let a racial epithet fly. They usually demur – maybe it hits them….how I am so polite when they say something so ugly.
It is terrible that you have to go through this…just make sure you learn something from it. It would be even more awful if you go through this for nothing! Good luck, AGR!
Thank you for the support, you guys. You’re the best. While it sometimes takes me some time to feel ready to respond to comments on a subject that touches such a raw nerve of mine, your comments have meant the world to me.
My mother going off on me tends to make me feel like I’m all alone and some freak thinking the way I do… but you guys have reminded me time and time again that this is not the case… and this reminder is just priceless.
I have no new news. My mother hasn’t responded. Not that I have expected or wanted her too. She causes me so much pain and turmoil. It’s just not worth it.
I think it’s weird how she raised me on stories about heroes who did what was right in the face of anger from family and friends, but when I do the same thing, she treats me like I’m a dangerous animal that should be caged. It’s like on the one hand, she wanted me to be this kind of person who is willing to sacrifice for what they believe in… and at the same time, she doesn’t want me to be this way…. maybe because she hasn’t known anyone like this before…? I am only guessing that she hasn’t using what I know of the family she grew up in and the people closest to her. She’s never been one to have friends, so I don’t have to take “friends” into account of types of people she has known. She has really lived in a family bubble as far as I’ve ever known and the family is really messed up…. seriously and horribly messed up. She never seemed to feel that humongous drive to find people outside of the nutso family… maybe she likes the craziness. I have no idea.
It would be easier if my mother never contacted me again, but I doubt I will be so lucky. I feel some sense of obligation that keeps me allowing her back in when I know she’s a nasty woman who likes nothing more than to make me triggered and upset. She seems to thrive off my pain.
I wonder if some of her coming back the way she does is just selfishness… I’m her only child and the only person she could reasonably rely on to take care of her when she’s old and alone. Her husband is very old and much older than her and she doesn’t even know how to balance a check book. She will need someone…. and it annoys me that she prolly just uses me like this… it makes me want to never respond to her again if she does try to make contact. We will see…. I suppose I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Every day I wish she’d just get amnesia and forget I exist. I’m just so tired… I know I don’t deserve her crap… I put up with so much… I wish I didn’t…. Maybe I can learn to stop allowing this…
[…] I’ve been so sad. I thought I was dealing with my mother’s craziness (here and here) exceedingly well. It turns out I’ve merely improved on past reactions to her […]
“I, for one, am a HUGE supporter of interracial relationships and believe that in order to solve the problem of racism, bigoty and white supremacy we must marry and have children with persons of a different race! In 200 years, we’ll all be the same color, so what’s the big deal anyways? Why not speed up the process whereby racism is wiped off the face of the planet?”-Wrosencratz
The above comment made me puke in my mouth a little. It made me realise that every race is different for a reason it gives the world a beautiful, natural diversity. I never thought of myself as “racist”, but I think its only natural for all races of human beings to be preserved instead of becoming one boring race.
Does that make me racist, or is everyone else in this world just stupid?
I can relate to you’re story myself. My parents being “old” school as many say were the most ignorant people you will have ever met. Firstly after finding out my g/f(befor we got enganged) was white, the flipped. Not only did they not except her, they threatned to “disown” me if i dont break up with her. Not giving a rats ass what they had to say I ignored it. I even tried bringing her own to meet my family, did’nt go so well. Can you say tence?. I persoanlly wanted to reach over and sock out my dad. I know it might sound harsh but the things he was saying, DISCUSTING. Also at the same time i was expierencing racism from her uncle, not a little bit but alot. Everytime we would go over, he’d have to much to drink and tend to go of on “rants” about how its wrong to date his niece because im not white. Although he really likes me now, it took about two years befor we could acctually go over without him saying, slurring something really racist. But my parents, still to this day say the same crap, but I guess they are more “understanding” now since I didn’t listen to them. It’s a shame how people can be just because of the fact of a persons skin color, relgion and culture. I myself in my life time have been called many racist names, from jigga boo to nigger. AlsoI’ve had people in my family that have been beat to death by skinheads, to having peopel througing rocks through our windows saying racist names. sounds liek fun right guys?.Well what I’ve learned no matter who you are, what race, culture there will always be good and bad people. So dont judge just because a few bad people have put you down. Btw my first time meeting a white person, was a 40 year old skinhead, who said to me “You should be hung and linched, you fucking nigger” I was only six btw. So why am I not racist like alot of other people? Well maby because im not ignorant, and I dont have my head shuved up my ass. Anyways guy hope everything worked out for you, if not I stilll have alot of respect for you without a doubt.