For a while now I’ve been telling myself I had to take some time off work for my own sanity (and everyone else’s around me). I finally turned in a vacation request for one day (last Friday) and got on the internet looking for hotels. We live near a pretty large city and we’re also a couple of hours away from another large city. (Therein lies the problem. I was looking into large cities when I should’ve been looking into cabins with nothing but nature surrounding them.)
I looked on the internet and found a lovely hotel that was in a downtown area that had lots of nightlife and a public transportation system so we wouldn’t have to do any driving. I knew I wouldn’t get to do this again any time soon so I splurged and booked a club level room so we could have snacks in the afternoon and breakfast in the club lounge. Each night in the lounge on the main floor, there was live entertainment and that weekend it happened to be a duet of a saxophonist and keyboardist. They were pretty good.
Mr. Sas knew how badly I needed a break (because I had told him over and over and over, well you get the picture…I told him a lot!) so he didn’t say anything about the room I booked or the 2 1/2 hour drive or anything. Before we packed up to go, I had told Mr. Sas there was an Italian restaurant near the hotel that I wanted to go to while we were there. It was on the trolley route so it would be no trouble getting to. I told him I needed a weekend of rest and relaxation and away from the responsibilities I had at home.
Bottom line: My expectations of the weekend were not how the weekend turned out. I expected to have a great room, to have some great food, to rest and stick around the hotel and pamper myself, to go to the Italian restaurant and listen to the cool music each night.
My idea of rest and relaxation is not the same as my husbands.
The first day we got there around 3:30 and checked in the hotel and got settled in. We went to the club level lounge when it opened around 5:00 and they had coconut shrimp, cubes of cheese and crackers and some sodas in ice. The shrimp was delicious but I’ve seen so much better club level hors devours. It was miniscule compared to others I’ve seen (and breakfast wasn’t much better for the price you have to pay for club level).
This bored my husband quickly and we took off walking the downtown district…and walking and sweating, and walking and sweating, and walking and sweating. My legs can’t take all the walking but I did it. I felt so nasty and dirty around 8:00 when we came to a decent restaurant that he wanted to try. We ate our meal at the bar which means my short fat legs hung off the chairs and my right hip popped out of place. After we left the restaurant I told Mr. Sas we needed to go back to the hotel and call it a night.
The next day I had wanted to go to the zoo located in that town but opted out of that since I had done so much walking the day before. We did go to the River Market Farmer’s Market and looked around a while since it was only two blocks from the hotel. I had told him that I wanted to see if they had a Catherine’s store there so I check them out and we found one. Then Mr. Sas decided he wanted to check out a mall nearby (more walking).
Mr. Sas said something about going to a baseball game there that night. The city has a minor league team and the field was on the trolley line so I said ok (giving up my Italian restaurant choice). The trolley came within a half a block of our hotel so we got to the stop and waited (standing) for the trolley and when it arrived, the driver said it wasn’t going to the ball field that night…they were having trouble with the tracks. I thought we might go to the restaurant but it was in the same area as the ball field so the trolley wouldn’t go there either.
Irritated, we started just wandering around wondering what to do for the evening. We sat in the lobby of the hotel mad for about 30 minutes and ended up walking some more. We headed back downtown only to the see the trolley going in the direction that the last driver said it wasn’t going. You talk about mad! We were livid! Now we were going to be late to the game. We hopped the next trolley and got to the ball field and all they had left was general admission tickets which meant sitting on the grass. If I had sat on the grass, my legs would’ve gone numb and I wouldn’t have been able to get up because I can’t put any weight on my knees. I opted to stand. I stood and just wondered around for about an hour and finally some picnic tables cleared out and I grabbed one. We stayed through most of the game and then caught the trolley back to the hotel. We stopped in the lobby to see the same duet playing and we settled back with a drink and just listened to the music. My legs were throbbing and my hips were killing me. Around 11:00 we went upstairs and went to bed. I was so exhausted.
We got up and had breakfast and then came on home. I was so glad to be home!!! I took a pain pill and went to bed under my ceiling fan with my dog plastered to my side.
So these feelings of resentment and pain festered in me through Sunday night and Monday. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. That weekend was supposed to be FOR ME and it turned out to be all about Mr. Sas and what he wanted. I was literally in pain and there was no rest and relaxation for me during that whole weekend (until I got home and passed out in my own bed).
I told Mr. Sas last night that I needed to talk and get some issues aired out. I told him that my weekend of rest was anything but. I told him that I had made it clear before we left that I needed rest and that there was a restaurant I had really been looking forward to trying but I felt like I needed to do what he wanted to do. He asked me why I didn’t say no to what he wanted to do and that’s when I had an epiphany! I HAD TO PROVE MYSELF.
I had to prove to him that I could do anything he could do…that I didn’t need special privileges…that I wasn’t special…I was just normal. He told me I didn’t have to prove anything to him and I could’ve voiced my opinion. At that point I realized I’m embarrassed for even my husband to know how much I hate myself and how badly I feel physically. I’m embarrassed that I’m fat and that I can’t do what he can. I cried that cathartic type of crying that frees you of something that’s been literally weighing you down.
Mr. Sas is dense, ok? AGR says I need to keep a shovel handy to bonk him on the head a lot but if I did it every time he “forgot” something I said or just ignored me, I would have a dead husband with a shovel imprint on his head. 🙂 For all of his denseness, he sometimes says the right things. He told me last night that I don’t have to prove anything to him. That he loves me just as I am and that he wished I would’ve stood up for myself.
STOOD UP FOR MYSELF. There are times I’m good at it but I sucked at it this past weekend. I owe it to myself to stand up for myself. I owe it to my mental and physical health to care about myself. I thought I was caring for and loving my husband when I was doing things he wanted to do this past weekend but what I was really doing was not caring for myself and building up resentment toward him. Ultimately, what good did I do myself to do what he wanted to do? (This is an issue that goes really deep into my relationship with my father but that’s for another post.)
What a learning experience for me! My hope is that you won’t have to go through all the self-abuse I’ve gone through before you learn this kind of lesson.
Angry Gray Rainbows 
That’s tough. We’ve all been in a position like that… and hurts from the past sometimes exaserbate the issue at hand..
Have no idea if I spelled exaserbate right…but you get the gist.
Jessica, I can’t spell that word either so I won’t even try. tee hee And yes, hurts from the past are what fuel my insecurities now. (another post in the making)
Wow, this really hit close to home for me.
I’m of the “prove it” lot, too. I will NOT have anyone thinking I can’t do what they can do. Yeah, it’s a huge chip on my shoulder because of the way I was treated when I was younger — perpetually put down by my father and brother and at best ignored, and so forth — but it’s also fear.
Fear of being stereotyped and then written off.
Fear of missing out on what others consider “normal” life.
I’m not quite sure how one can balance this out, but recognizing it is certainly the first step towards some kind of internal reconciliation. A lot of people use it as a “sign” that they need to change something in their lives (i.e., lose weight, strt working out, try a new miracle drug/product, move to a different city, break up, etc), but I sincerely believe that some of us are just always going to be different, and that’s okay. Internal reconciliation and cease-fire seems to be the best route to take, and then learning how to both live in your own skin and make other people acknowledge and respect your boundaries (after you have done so yourself).
bigliberty, “make other people acknowledge and respect your boundaries (after you have done so yourself).” Therein lies the problem. I’m digging deeper and am determined to do some work on this issue.
Good post. My partner is pretty dense sometimes too, but I find it helps to remember that he can’t read my mind. I can be pretty dense too, so I get where he comes from.
I’m sorry your weekend was a bust. But, hey, EPIPHANY’S YEAH.
Anna, I don’t want anyone to think I don’t assume some of the responsibility for the crappiness of the weekend and I do know he can’t read my mind but DANG!…the whole point of the weekend was for ME to get some REST! He knew that ahead of time! The epiphany that resulted from it kind of outweighs the crappiness of it.
EPIPHANY’s ROCK! 🙂
You know, this kind of hit me where I live. I’ve been living in a situation where I’ve felt powerless for a very long time. The damn thing is, I’m the one who really has the control: I just haven’t been exercising it.
I’ve been letting the situation fester and make me nuts (I’ve been having panic nighmares about it for a week now, and that’s after years of allowing it to build). Between this post and the one AGR put up earlier, I’ve had an epiphany.
My brother is going to hate said epiphany, but dammit, I’m tired of him stomping all over me in my house while he’s living of of MY dime.
I don’t think he’s going to know what hit him.
Twistie, Well let us know how this turns out. Take it from me, issues that go un-addressed and are allowed to fester can make life really hard for you. Stand up for yourself and let your voice be heard.
Um…if this was your weekend, and you had an agenda, why didn’t you follow it? Why do all the other crap? Did I miss something?
living400lbs, hahahaha, yes I think you missed the point of the whole post.
The whole post explained why I did all the other crap and didn’t follow the agenda. It laid out the fact that I felt I had no say in what was done because the underlying issue of having to “prove something” won out through the whole weekend. I didn’t say it was rational or even “right” but it’s what happened.
I explained the way the weekend went as an example as to how my mind works (again not always rational or right, lol) on a daily basis. I feel like I have to prove something to everyone around me from the time I get up to the time I go to bed every night.
I don’t EVER stick to MY agenda if someone else is with me and wants to do something else because I have to prove to them that I can do anything they do. Get it?
I wonder if a lesson you’d learned from your family was that if you did speak up about your needs you wouldn’t be heard, so why bother?
O.C., EXACTLY! Like I said, I’m sure this is a post in the making. This brings up a lot of my past history so I’m sure I’ll be blogging about that soon. Thanks.
I have been in this situation many times.
I am usually the one “pushing” to do more, and my husband is the one who wants to rest and relax, and we fight about it.
Ultimately, I became okay with him just taking a nap while I did something else on my own.
It’s the responsibility of the “antsy, bored easily” person to go at a slower pace, or go do something alone.
With just a weekend to fit these things in, and the expectation to be together, it might be easier to have an agreed-upon plan before going into the weekend so one person doesn’t end up with their needs completely unmet.
My husband is very stubborn and will just tell me he’s tired and wants to take a nap. Your post makes me realize that it’s a good thing — I would much rather he do that than tell me he had a bad time.
We just had one night away this summer (with the little one AND our dog with us) and I set the agenda, but if we had a night away for just me and him, he would want to stay in bed and watch TV, and I would want to explore everything within 5 miles of the hotel. These days, I don’t think I would be resentful if we did things separately (well, not everything 🙂
I think that the next weekend you get to pick what ever you want to do, and your hubby ought to make an effort to do as much as he can with you, and if he’s antsy, plan some extra things to do on his own part of the time. Just my opinion.
wellrounded, it’s funny because my husband and I have been in couples therapy before and we both know that communication is key. We’ve been told that and said it over and over again and yet we still miss the mark when it comes to just telling each other what our needs are.
Your points are all valid and I agree with all of them. But I would also add that I need to take some of the pressure off of myself and tell myself that I don’t have to do everything my husband does. I’m just physically not able.
I’m glad you were able to talk to your man about it…it sucks to have to “remind” someone that you need to be cared-for…and you did so much work with the planning, booking the hotel and everything…!
I recommend withholding sex from him for one week. *hahahaa!* j/k. pfft. MEN.
hope505, “the old withholding sex” trick, eh? Nah, don’t think so….then we both miss out! hahahahaha
That’s what’s so funny….I can usually talk to my husband about “things” but it’s always after the fact and not during the issue at hand. If I had told him from the beginning that I couldn’t make the ball game and that I wanted to just watch TV then he could’ve gone to the game by himself or he could’ve stayed with me and watched TV. I’m always too late when it comes to seeing that my voice gets heard. That’s what I’ve got to work on.
Ooo ooo… Sassy, I love this post. The bit about proving yourself hits really home to me. It’s something I’ve done a lot myself AND I never even realized it until I read your post. This is why you are awesome. Okay, you’re awesome for lots of reasons, but this is just one more reason. 😉
I always felt this pressure that I’m supposed to be okay with just about anything… and it’s jsut not realistic and it gets me into a lot of trouble. Usually I just get really crabby and resentful that I didn’t speak up and that the other person didn’t read my mind that I was forcing myself to go along with something that I wasn’t really into or was way too PMS’d or sleepy or whatever to go along with.
When I become aware of these annoying things that I do to myself, I find that it is far easy to stop myself from diving into the same old cycles.
Thank you so much for sharing…. I so needed to hear this…
AGR, put the shovel back up. I don’t need it this time (but keep it handy). LOL!
I think I grew up with resentment being the norm and I might even allow things to fester so I can feel the resentment. God, that makes me sound horrible. But you continue to do what feels comfortable and feeling bitter, resentful, less than and hurt are comfortable to me. It may be years before I have days at a time where I’m happy and joyful. (Yep, sounds like yet another draft in the making.)
It is simple to say but hard to do. You must learn to say NO in a polite or firm way depending on the circumstances.
I am actually the one who always wants to change things on a whim and my husband does’t like it. Sometimes he goes along and I wonder why he isn’t having as good a time as I am and sometimes he says no.
Other people seem to be able to say no, why can’t some of us?