I don’t do much “mommy blogging,” but today, I have to get out some of my parenting angst.
SuperHeroPrincess starts a new preschool today. While there isn’t much in the way of publicly funded preschool except for families who can’t afford it, the settings she has been in up until now haven’t felt like “private school.” In some ways, it has felt like the staff of the various and sundry daycare/preschool settings she’s been in have been as supportive of us as parents as they have been supportive of our little one.
But today, we’re all graduating to much higher expectations. This is a PRESCHOOL. Not a daycare (although “extended care” is available). We have to pack her lunch, which we haven’t done in the past 9 months. We have to provide an emergency kit. We are all expected to function with much greater independence than before, and it’s stressing me out.
Part of this is the other parents. One of them, who I know from another context, had moved her son from where SuperHeroPrincess was until this week, to where she will be, and said this of the new school: “There’s just a totally different level of parenting.”
Aack. Gag. Blech. Rrrrghf.
I’m not looking for a different class of parents, or kids. I am looking for something that will keep my child growing, exploring, happy, and hopefully, intellectually stimulated enough (and with enough large muscle group exercise) to fall asleep more easily at night. I don’t care if she knows how to read at age 5 (I know she will learn to read when the time is right for her). I don’t care what kind of cars (or brand of bicycle trailer) the other kids ride in. I care that she is respectful of those around her and treated with similar respect. Where she was before, where she has been in a variety of settings, she was loved, cared for, accepted for who she was, and was told she would be missed when she moved on. I felt the same way, actually, that I was accepted for who I was as a parent, and that I would be missed. And I’m afraid I won’t be accepted for who I am as a parent at this new school.
Could I be any more neurotic?
At least, I know it’s me. I’m not projecting too much (at the moment) onto SuperHeroPrincess’s experience.
My fatness has a little something to do with this. So does guilt. I am a very indulgent parent. I am married to another one, and a sister to an indulgent aunt. We are all indulgent in slightly different ways, which leads to a very privileged child. One smart enough to know where the boundaries of this are, most of the time, and can adapt to different adults around her. And I know that in the town we live in, in the circles we travel in, this indulgence isn’t frowned upon too much. But because I’m not worried about how SuperHeroPrincess “reflects on her community” — not because of ethnicity, class, religion or much else — I don’t worry too much about how she behaves. She does throw her share of fits, and I do think this reflects on me as a parent, but I’m not thinking that she is being looked down upon because she belongs to a certain group. I do worry that when she eats treats in public and she’s with me (and not her slender, muscular dad) people are thinking I’m going to make her fat. But that isn’t enough to make me not buy her a snowcone.
I guess this is what parenting is — the first day of school all over again, every year, but from another side. Reliving my own experiences, experiencing the anxieties of being a parent, being hopeful and prepared and never hopeful or prepared enough.
I wish her aunt had bought a new “first day of school” dress for me, too. I have no idea what I’m going to wear.
Wish us luck!
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Luck wished…
My Daughter started Kindergarten last week and it was her first day of any kind of school. A PUBLIC school, i don’t have a car an thankfully I live just a few blocks over b/c at her lunch time I have to test her blood and administer insulin accordingly.
I worry about what the other kids will think but try not to make a big deal about it. I am so happy to see her in her uniform with her class!! Her job is to keep the kids in line so she’s at the end which makes sense b/c she’s the tallest one, she’s almost as tall as he teacher.
My thoughts are with you.
Your daughter is lucky to have you close. Wow, I’m impressed, the mom of a KINDERGARTENER! I bet she looks great in her uniform.
Sometimes, parents don’t get the appreciation and support they need. I just wanted to say that you sound like a stellar mom, and keep up the good work.
I doubt my mother really thought much about those things – it was always one crisis or another, being another move (my dad was Navy), her marriage slowly crumbling, or the bills piling up.
I think that superheroprincess will be fine – with supportive parents who care about her progress and what she’s doing, she’s well on the road to being a well-adjusted child.
Even though I’m not having children, I feel it is important to support and cheer on people that want to take on that challenge.
Thanks for the cheering on! I think that some of my “indulgence” as a parent comes from the share of crises and stress we’ve had as a family, which has calmed down at the moment and feels managable right now.
I’m a year away from this. I think its going to feel like a very short year.
Enjoy it — make it as slow as you can. I admit I’m a little envious of the time you have with your girls, but I’m sure even though you have more time with them, it still goes fast.
I still worry about whether my students — I’m a university TA — will accept me on my first day of school every year! (It’s always turned out well, btw.)
Be open and friendly, I guess, and hope for the best! Most people, most of the time, seem to be basically good, accepting people — or at least that’s been my experience.
“Most people, most of the time, seem to be basically good, accepting people”
Yes. Especially as adults. Especially where I live.
Thank you for this post. I don’t have kids yet… but I expect to in the very near future and I hadn’t considered this kind of thing. I can easily see myself feeling similarly to the way that you do and it’s helpful to see you work it out here…
I think that as fat women, we have to keep eating in public when we feel like it – especially with our children. At the same time, I know where you’re coming from. I also sometimes feel like I “shouldn’t” be eating certain things (or any food at all) in front of people for fear of their judgements or even being attacked. We just can’t let the assholes win. Beyond that – THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING FAT AND EATING. 😉 I know you know this. I’m just reinforcing for you and for me, because sometimes I need to be reminded even if only by myself.
When I catch myself thinking about not doing something that I want or need to do for fear of fat ridicule, I think of my potential children and other children out there and other fat people and non-fat people who are hurt by the messages of fat-hate (because it hurts everyone – not just fat people)… and I start to feel very rebellious on behalf of all the people who will benefit from perhaps the very small drop in the bucket my act of bravery (like eating cake in a restaurant) is… and then I start feeling like I wanna dare people to come and mess with me, because they have no right to and because I know that I can stand up for myself (once I get my rebellious ‘tude’ on anyway….)….
Thanks for making me think.
AGR, I think you will be a fantastic mom and I think you may find certain aspects of parenting to be very healing.
I waited until I had many years of good therapy under my belt before I felt ready to be a mom, and then it took a few more years for everything to come together.
Where I live, people are both unusually polite and generally not “in your face” so I sincerely doubt anyone would actually say anything to me, or even give me a “look” — so it’s really in my head, more than anything else.
When I’m in a less supportive setting than my little cushioned town, I do cop a ‘tude when I eat cake in public or otherwise commit fearless acts of fatness.
You are welcome for making you think… anytime. You always return the favor 🙂
You know the truth. You know you can’t “make her fat,” short of strapping her to a chair and feeding her intravenously. She either has inherited the genetic capacity to gain a lot of weight, or she hasn’t. It’s a shitty thing that too many other people don’t know that, but majority belief =/= fact.
Mazel tov to you both!
Thanks! I think she’s unlikely to have gotten my exact fatness makeup, or she would be showing it already, but that doesn’t mean she won’t have her own struggles.
Yesterday, she wore her hair in two ponytails and she looked a lot like the photo that Dr. Stacy has on her site. I can’t get enough of her, these days, until I poop out at 10 p.m. and she’s not asleep yet (she’s in bed, she’s been read to, and tucked in, and is all ready for sleep but won’t give in. It’s aggravating! But common, from what I understand.)