After this past week of digging, I’ve come across some really interesting information. I have to say that when I first found it, I started crying. But don’t feel sorry for me…they were as much tears of relief for finding an answer as they were tears of sadness.
(This is definitely one of my longest posts so if you get through it, thank you.)
I decided to dig into the “religion” in which I was raised. (I won’t mention the religion by name but will refer to it as “dadism” since my father was the one who drilled it into my head so much.) I got on the computer and started digging around and found out that many believe dadism to be a cult. Not so much in that they follow one person but in just about every other respect.
The members of dadism are taught, and will die believing, that only they will be allowed into heaven. (Arrogance and conceit)
They believe you must be baptized to be saved. (Can you ever be good enough?)
They believe that perfection is the goal (to be like Christ) and that ANY misdeed is a sin that must be repented of RIGHT THEN (it must be repented to an elder of the church – that means elders have a very strange amount of control over you, considering they know all your “secrets”). They believe if you have repented of a sin, commit a sin and don’t confess the recent sin right then but you have a car wreck and die, you will go to hell. (You’ll never be good enough.)
The followers of dadism believe you “hang out” and socialize only with those who are like-minded to the followers of dadism…and God forbid you marry someone outside of dadism (as I did). (I’ll never be good enough.)
Dadism teaches that discipleship is first and foremost and you recruit as many as you can in your lifetime. Your entry into heaven is based on your discipleship and how many you’ve recruited. Because I doubted dadism in my late teen years, my father told me he was going to hell because he didn’t teach me well enough in the religion of dadism (and of course he told me I was going to hell for sure). (I was never good enough.)
As my parents grew older they became disillusioned with church (duh) and stopped going all together but still professed to be Christians (and associated with the church of dadism). Family showed up to both of their funerals shaking their heads and expressing sadness because they knew both of my parents were bound for hell (my whole extended family is in the church of dadism.) (All my family says I’m not good enough.)
I look back on my life and I see why I would be so f*cked up. I mean, my god, as a child I couldn’t socailize with anyone who didn’t believe as I believed. I was sent off to a summer church camp when I was 7 and was terrified to be there but I was with like-minded kids so it was supposed to be all right.
I went to church one night in my teens and witnessed an “excommunication” from our church. It was devastating. Instead of church members going to this man to offer help and resources, they kicked him out and said he wasn’t good enough to be associated with us. I couldn’t believe what I saw. (he wasn’t good enough)
For most of my young life I was taught you went to church “whenever the doors were opened.” We went every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night. We went to all the “gospel meetings” and went every night of the week for those. When my parents were shipped overseas to Germany (dad is Air Force), they found like-minded people and met on Sunday morning and night and Wednesday night in someone’s home. You didn’t miss church because you would go to hell. (no excuses, you just aren’t good enough)
We could not have musical instruments or any taped music in the church and weddings were not performed in the “church of dadism” or funerals. Only worship was to be held in the church.
I also remember in my teen years having to attend a class for young women. The young men had one too. In our young women’s class we learned how to be submissive to your husband and how his salvation is based on how you act around him. If you act submissive and “good”, it means he has taught you well. They taught us that we answer to the husband and the husband answers to the church. The church answers to God. (the way I live my life determines if my loved ones go to heaven or hell, NO PRESSURE!)
(If you are a member of the church I just described you will not want to read further.)
Looking back at what I typed, I’m in awe that I was involved in such a thing. But I’m also seeing how I was brainwashed and manipulated for so many years.
This brings me to the point of deprogramming. A member of cult, in order to get back to their “normal” life, almost always has to go through some sort of deprogramming. From what I’ve read, the most commonly used technique in deprogramming is to overwhelm the subject with REALITY and to gently point out the untruths of the cult. But mostly, the subject needs to be immersed with positive feedback and repetively told what is real.
Well, I’ve seen a lot of the untruths over the years but I’ve never truly tried to deprogram myself. I’ve been to counselor after counselor after counselor in my 46 years only to come out feeling the same as I went in. What have I learned from all this last week is that I need to actively re-route my thinking and not just expect it to change on it’s own.
An example of this for me has been the fact that I’m more accepting of myself now than I’ve ever been and that’s been mostly in part from books I’ve read and the fatosphere. I find that if I go some time without re-reading one of my intuitive eating or HAES books or I don’t come to the fatosphere that I drift back into self-loathing.
I was brainwashed from birth that I would never be good enough for anyone or anything. I believe my father was so entrenched in dadism that he didn’t know any way but to raise me that way (he was raised that way as well). Looking back, I realize he and my mother never felt good enough either but it was all they knew so they raised me to believe it too.
I believe “dadism” is the root and core of my dysfunction. I believe it goes so deeply that it may take me a really long time to release myself from it’s hold. My goal for now is to do some more research and find more information that will help me to logically release myself from this “religion”. As I do this I am going to keep books near my bed that I enjoy about self-acceptance and I’ll keep coming here to reassure myself that I am worthy of all life has to offer.
Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Dadism has been the source of my insanity and it’s as if I cannot release myself from it (it is so deeply ingrained into my soul) but I’m determined to do it. I’ve tried to release myself from this for about 25 years and it’s been part of me so long. Can you tell I’m scared? Why does this thing have such a strong hold on me? I feel like I’ve just rambled and this is incoherent. I have so much work to do on this.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I knew a girl in high school that was also in the church if dadism (as you’re choosing to call it). She was a wonderful person but she lead a really sad life, prone to depression and self harm. I believe her religion played a role in that.
We were best friends until her boyfriend (from the same religion) told her I was a horrible influence and demanded that either I convert or she had to stop talking to me.
It’s been more than 5 years since I was last allowed to see her and I still worry about her everyday.
Never give up! You deserve to live a full life and be free of what’s holding you back!
Des, what a sad story but I don’t doubt for a second that it’s not true. The boundaries in the church of dadism are pretty strict and not to be crossed. If those lines are crossed, the guilt and shame is overwhelming. Maybe one day she will release herself from that church and you can be friends one more.
You have put into words the very thing I struggled with as an adult. Short version, not just church, but messages from parents. I got pregnant right after high school and decided to raise my child even though my bf did not and left. Parents took it “okay”–lots of belittling, damning, guilt-tripping, etc. But they helped me as best they could. Meanwhile, I got back into religion, became a leader, went to college and got a degree in Social Work in my 20s. This is when I changed my life.
I started writing down every thought I had, good or bad in what I called at the time a prayer journal. I reread it, seached my soul for the right words, prayed to God about it, and opened the door enough to let the healing begin. I left that church after feeling disappointment at the hypocracy, as well as reaching a point of enlightenment within myself.
You see, what I learned during those years, in all those journals, was that I basically had to “re-parent” myself. I had to re-nurture the child in me, the very soul of me….and grieve what I didn’t get, and let it go so that I could move on. It’s not fair that I had to do that, and it’s not over yet, but the majority of those years was spent reprogramming my thoughts, beliefs, reactions, owning my feelings, accepting who I was, and so on.
It takes time. It takes introspection. It takes just living your life in a way that is not always perfect, but always yours…..no one else’s.
At 43, I still struggle with some of the old beliefs I got from my parents. It never really has gone away, it’s just gotten put in its place, so to speak. I see it for what it really was…messed up, dysfunctional, abusive….whatever you want to call it. It just doesn’t define me anymore. And it’s certainly not what’s true about me.
I hope you find that for yourself.
ps….As for my religious beliefs…I have found a good place to with god is on my own. There’s less open for interpretation that way.
Regina T, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I do know that this will take time but my biggest fear is trying to do it on my own. I still live in an area where the church of dadism is pretty dominant and I’m not real sure who I can talk to. If I had my druthers, I’d rather not talk to anyone in the “religious counseling” area. I’d love to find someone I could curse my heart out to because damnit! Some of this stuff runs VERY DEEP within me. I want to be able to adequately express my anger about these so called men of God who basically taught me to be quiet and not have a voice about anything. I want to be able to rage about the arrogance and conceit I was taught. And the LEGALISM! God, THE LEGALISM! THIS IS RIGHT! THAT IS WRONG! No gray areas. They took away my sense of self. They placed a great responsibility on me by telling me my father’s salvation was based on how he raised me (and my sister). My mother (god rest her soul) was in this cult-like religion and therefore basically abandoned me to take care of herself against a domineering-God’s-rules-spewing-legalistic-judgement-weilding father.
I may start looking for a local therapist of some kind who I think might be able to help me through this. Now that I know in my heart where the core is, I’m afraid I won’t be a ble to tackle it alone.
Regina T, thank you for giving me hope.
Ever notice how many similarities there are between the cult of weight-loss and the religion you described?
You’re always about to “go to hell” if you don’t stick to whatever diet and exercise routine they prescribe. If you’re fat, you are ostracized, lest someone be accused of “enabling” you. Perfection (substantial weight-loss) is the goal. You confess your gastronomic misdeeds at the local diet club which metes out appropriate penalties.
Only thin people are allowed to go to heaven (get the perks in life). They try to recruit you into believing as they do and subject you to ridicule, threats and isolation if you refuse.
(“They” means those believe in the cult of weight-loss and are not necessarily any particular size)
Is there any organization of people who work on deprogramming specifically for the religion in which you were raised? Religion is a hard habit to kick – its roots are planted very early and run very deep.
Mulberry, I totally agree with everything you posted and I was actually trying to head that way in my entry but realized the thing was getting so stinking long. Look for part two where you’re likely to see a lot of things you just responded to me Thank you for reading! 🙂
I wish you the very best of luck.
Caitlin,
Thank you. I believe things are on the upswing now.
hi
I found your post through the fatoshpere RSS my blog is linked to, and was surprised to find a post about fundamentalism instead of FA, but I agree w/Mulberry about the similarities!
Its all about not being good enough (size, shape, soul, whatever)…
It breaks my heart to read your story; I’ve seen my own wonderfully happy-go-lucky, intelligent sister turn into another (submissive, robotic, narrow-minded and frightened) person because of the “dad” church that she & her husband now belong to. My nieces and nephews are not even allowed to visit us anymore, because we are not “saved” and might be a bad influence…
You ARE good enough! May your heart be healed.
Elizabeth, I can honestly say now that when people say, “may your heart be healed,” I finally see that as an option. For so many years I felt condemned to hell. Why? Because my father told me I was going to hell. He pointed out scripture from the Bible showing where I would go to hell. It was preached to me morning, noon and night by either my parents or the church that perfection was the key to getting to heaven but more importantly the only thing that could certainly get you into heaven was baptism. (dunked under the water, not sprinkled) These things are beginning to unravel as they have for the past few years but to now see WHY this has stuck with me for so long is such a relief. It’s not that I’m weak…it’s because I truly believe I was brainwashed and manipulated enough for these beliefs to stick with me for a very long time. It’s time for some serious de-/re-programming.
Sassy, I first want to say I remember times when I was in a place of confusion and overwhelm and thinking — how will I ever undo what I learned? One of the first times was when I was about 14 years old and was exposed to a kind of deprogramming of racism, sexism, homophobia and antisemitism that changed my life. So it’s been a long journey of deprogramming for me, and it’s never really done. But what you said about if you aren’t working on staying away from that way of thinking (by exposing yourself to books and supports) you drift back to self-loathing. And I relate to that, too.
For me, when I sometimes feel stuck in self-loathing, doing something that is more “outward” is good. For me, dancing is good. For you, singing more might help, too. And finding a community to get engaged in (if there’s a secular singing group) might be helpful.
Last night, before I read your post but was on my way to dance, I found myself reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend when I realized (probably for the millionth time) that my worry about what I look like really boils down to not feeling like what I have is enough. Not the the material things, but the qualities, aspects, on the outside and in, I worry, am I enough? And to me, that comes from hurts and incorrect notions and ill treatment, because I am enough. Of course I am. And of course, you are. You are perfect just as you are. My idea of God does not have to do with rejection or only allowing a tiny, “perfect,” sliver of humanity into closeness. And when I hear that humans were “made in God’s image” I think, yeah, God must be pretty messed up at times, too.
I read in a SARK book this affirmation, which works for me sometimes:
“You Are Enough
You Have Enough
You Do Enough”
I wish for you a “r’fuah shelmah” — in Hebrew, that’s a complete wholeness of recovery, of mind, of body, of spirit. May what hurts be healed.
And there’s no hurry, any reduction in pain is going to feel better, even if there’s more pain to go.
WRT2, I loved the Hebrew wish you sent me. It is lovely.
It seems that when you’re bombarded by your parents, extended family and “friends” in the “church” about beliefs, you have very little time to figure out what YOU believe. I’ve learned that this is why I am so bad at taking care of myself and I pretty much suck at making decisions.
This will get better. I’m considering this the beginning of a journey to self-discovery (maybe just a side trip to my recovery journey which will end up all meeting up at the same place in a few weeks or months).
I read a book recently and I reckon it might help you to check it out. It’s complicated. Moves you, where you expect only horror or black/white processes, the emotions it expresses are so poetic and real that I think you could relate a fair bit. Not the easiest book to read but it speaks to the heart of a lot of what you’ve discussed here. Reflects it, and maybe it’d even help re-frame it or give you some inspiration. It did for me.
http://www.theage.com.au/news/book-reviews/one-foot-wrong/2008/07/28/1217097129106.html
Hey CKid! Thanks for the reference. I will look it up and see if it fits the bill. I’m glad it helped you.
“I’ll keep coming here to reassure myself that I am worthy of all life has to offer.”
You are. You are. You are. 🙂
GimliGirl, thank you so much! Sometimes a gentle reminder does the trick when you’re feeling lost and confused.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, and that you are still dealing with it. Religion should be a source of happiness and wellbeing, if that’s where you choose get your happiness and wellbeing from, not a method of control and nastiness.
Thanks Anna, “control and nastiness”, yep that’s it in a nutshell. I’m going to start working on the happiness and wellbeing part though it may not necessarily be through church/religion as much as spirituality.
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