I wanted to continue my blogging on the issue of Self-acceptance and deprogramming/reprogramming that I started ealier and see where it leads me (us). It may very well be that a part III and IV will follow.
The last post dealt with the fact that it’s very possible I was a part of a cultish religion until I was about 20 (although it’s stuck with me deeply up until now). I’ve done some online research and found that it’s very possible I may need to undergo some sort of deprogramming or reprogramming to see any normalcy in my life. This “religion” has had an emotional hold on me for over 40 years and although I’m not actively a part of it anymore, the core beliefs and dysfunction I have stem from that time in my life.
As a very young child I remember our family dynamic. Dad first and foremost, mom second in line, my older sister was next and I was last. Now grant you, I don’t really know what this had to do with anything because EVERYTHING was decided by my father…EVERYTHING.
Where did he learn this? He was taught by his parents and extended family who all were members of the same church. They believed they were members of the only one true heaven bound church anywhere. I learned this very early.
Our religion was based on baptism and perfection. If you make a death bed confession but were not privy to a baptism, then you are going to hell. If you married someone, the spouse left you and you remarried, the only way you could go to heaven was to divorce that second spouse and remarry the first one. You also have to repent of your sins to your elder and then get rebaptized. (because if you got baptized the first time and then did the heinous act of remarrying, then you weren’t serious about the first baptism and it was null and void) If you were staring at a big mack truck headed right for you and you scream “oh shit!” just before he clobbered you and smeared you on the pavement….if at that time, you didn’t have an elder there to repent for the foul language and to baptized you, you were going to hell.
Ok, flash up to me being 7 years old. As if the pressure of staying sin free and getting baptized and constantly repenting wasn’t enough to show I wasn’t good enough, my mom totes me 45 miles one way to go to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I’m 7 years old thinking, “how am I ever going to be good enough for god” and then my parents (ina backhanded way) say I’m not good enough for them because I’m too fat and I need to be “fixed”.
If you zoom forward to 2009, you see me in bed typing on my computer with my four legged sidekick laying at the bottom of the bed. I’m sitting here still entrenched in the throes of the “not good enoughs”. I’m now 46 years old and the years of horrible, not to mention non-Biblical, teaching and the years of dieting are still enough to drive me insane.
Regina T mentioned in a comment on my last post that reparenting is probably in order. Reparenting has been some of the hardest yet most rewarding work I’ve done thus far. I think I’m going to have to step it up to fit this situation and love myself a little more on this one.
But the part that I find so interesting is what Mulberry wrote in her response to me: “Ever notice how many similarities there are between the cult of weight-loss and the religion you described?”
Yes, Yes and Yes! It’s the legalism of it all. Do this, don’t do that. Follow this, don’t follow that. Eat this, don’t eat that. Drink this, don’t drink that. Eat this but only in this amount. Drink water, don’t drink water. Eat eggs, don’t eat eggs. Be thin, don’t be fat. Only blacks and whites, no grays. Only rights and wrongs, no objectivity. Rules, laws, punishments and judgments.
So yes it looks like I’m going to be some major deprogramming and reprogramming in the months to come. I’m going to look at this as a very positive step in my life…one I deserve and one I’m very worthy of.
Worthy? Because of this “cult” I was raised in and the constant barrage of society telling me I’m not good enough because I’m fat, I’ve seriously thought MANY times of suicide. I’ve never actually attempted it but I have had plans and even written some out. This has got to stop!
If you have any suggestions on how to re/deprogram my mind from all these horrible voices going on in my head (and heart sometimes), suggestions that have worked for you, please share them with me. They can be corny or “out there”…I’m open to anything.
I hope you join me and I hope you lean on me as I plan to call out to you guys some.
Angry Gray Rainbows 
My yahoo messenger refuses to log me in, so I will tell you all this via comments…
I think you are so awesome and brave for doing all this work. I admire you so much and I am so proud of you.
As someone who was raised in a very religious family myself… and someone with many people of the exact same religion you are trying to deprogram from… I have a lot to say (in support and validation) about your posts on these topics… but I have been sick all weekend… hubby has been sick all weekend… and I have to go to work in an hour, so I have to get ready to get going… when I’d really rather be conversing with you about your loving work and posts. I don’t go into work until the afternoon tomorrow, so I hope I’ll be able to write you a novel about it all then.
For now, know that I am rooting you on and that I support you. You are awesome and you are in my thoughts, my brave friend.
AGR, you know I always look forward to any input from you. Hope you and hubby are feeling better now.
I don’t have any practical advice to give, but you have every ounce of my support. You are absolutely worth it!
I know this won’t be an easy journey for you, but there are a lot of us out here rooting for you and willing to hold your hand on the path.
Twistie, thank you so much. My journey can’t be as tough with you guys behind me! Thank you again.
Hi. I’m a stranger, and all I know of you is this post and the last. But I can provide you with a reality check, since you said:
“From what I’ve read, the most commonly used technique in deprogramming is to overwhelm the subject with REALITY and to gently point out the untruths of the cult. But mostly, the subject needs to be immersed with positive feedback and repetively told what is real.”
This is what is real:
You are good enough.
You have always been good enough.
You will always be good enough.
In fact, I daresay you are not merely *good enough* but *excellent.*
You are willing to look. That is amazing.
You are willing to untangle the hurts done to you, though it is hard. That is very very brave.
You are willing to do the Work. That is astonishing, and rare.
You are, in fact, exceptional. You are determined to get out of this.
I do not know what you now believe, if you believe any of what you were taught still. Perhaps it will help get perspective if you read about other religions. Something like Hinduism, I’d say. Think about the tenets of that religion and how many people believe them as a completely normal thing. It might help to lessen the sting of the concept of Hell you were brought up with if you can compare it to how many million people believe in reincarnation without even blinking, though it’s a fairly alien concept in this culture. The Hell you were brought up with is just another religious concept, no more objectively true than reincarnation is.
You could also start (another) blog, a secret diary-type one. I have found blogging to be far more useful to me in untangling things. It’s like a journal or diary in that it’s getting the stuff out of you; what makes it so much more useful on a practical level (for me) is that in composing a post I have to organize my thoughts and try to make it make sense for an audience (even if there is no real audience to speak of). I am finding it more useful than therapy, actually. Also you can swear as much as you like there.
You could also probably use a blog to remind yourself of reality, to ‘repetitively tell you what is real’, as you said above. I imagine you could write a whole bunch of reminder posts–something short and sweet, maybe, like SARK’s affirmations someone posted in the last one–and set them up to publish days, weeks, or months in the future, so that they would be there waiting for you as a bit of a surprise when you check your blog.
I hope some of that is helpful. You may very well be past some of it already.
Also, as one last suggestion, I would recommend you seriously consider moving out of that area of the country. I know that’s huge, and I have no idea if it is at all practical for you, but getting out of an environment that is saturated with that sort of belief system, where that is taken for granted as reality, will probably be far more helpful than you might think.
Thalia
Also, one more thing to remember:
*A child is not responsible.*
Thalia, I was almost in tears by the time I got to the second response from you but then I got the second response and that cinched it. Thank you so much for your kind words. (from the bottom of my heart)
First let me say that I do, in fact, have my own private blog to which I post like a journal. No one is allowed in and sometimes I pour my heart out on that blog. I too would recommend that suggestion to anyone who just needs to cleanse themselves of crap sometimes (or if you need a place to type away at affirmations).
The last thing I’m going to say in response to your comment is going to sound a bit strange I’m sure. But since most of you can tell from the kind of headspace I’m in right now, I think you’ll understand.
You said something about other religions. It’s kind of strange….I’m not really looking for anything to “replace” my cult-ish religion…I’m really just wanting to “just be” for a while. It’s like my whole life has been so wrapped around legalism, religion, black and white thinking, etc…that I just want to take a break.
I just want to breathe and not feel like I’m doing it wrong.
I feel as if I have been judged ALL my life (and condemned unjustly) and I just want to live my life. I’m not saying I don’t want to look into other theories, beliefs and tenets eventually but right now I just want to see me for me. I want to see that I am a pretty blonde with hazel eyes who has a pretty smile and great laugh. I want to see that I’m passionate about animals (not to the point AGR is but c’mon, I’m only so good). I want to feel good about who I am with no qualifications ruling me unfit or unworthy. I want to bask in the fact that I love sunshine and looking at nature and that my favorite spot on this earth is in my bed with my dog plastered beside me looking out onto my back porch on a sunny day. I want to love reading Harry Potty and the Twilight series without feeling judged for liking witches, warlocks and vampires.
I just want to live one day without feeling like I’m WRONG at every turn!!!!!! I want to scream that at the top of my lungs! I’M NOT ALWAYS RIGHT BUT I’M NOT ALWAYS WRONG EITHER!!!!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, whew. Thalia, seems you bring out the thought processes for me (not sure if that’s a good thing or not).
No, no, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that, no worries. Not replacing a religion or checking others out as an interested party or anything like that, or implying that we all need some form of religion, because we don’t, not at all. More like leveling the playing field. From the sound of it the religion you are trying to purge from yourself made itself out to be the One And Only Truth; the idea was that if you looked at other religions and saw how they were also believed wholeheartedly it would make the one you are trying to purge less powerful, more one religion among many, and not necessarily anything at all to do with you. I thought it might help with perspective, if you need it, that’s all. If you are in no mood for looking at religion of any stripe at all, now or ever, that is entirely and only your business.
Here is some more reality for you:
You are allowed to scream at the top of your lungs if you like. Scream until your throat is raw if you think it might help.
You are right.
It is obvious from your writing that you are right; that you are going about this deep healing in the right way, that you are correct in your evaluation of the situation, and that what you are doing for yourself is right and appropriate. You are right.
You are fit and worthy.
Life is not black and white. Life is not even shades of grey. It is filled with infinite color.
You are allowed to like what you like. You are allowed to love what you love. It is no one’s business but yours.
You are allowed to seek out and enjoy what you like and love.
You are exactly and appropriately sensitive.
I wish you deep, gentle, and thorough healing, and great joy.
Thalia, your responses are right on the mark and I love that you’ve challenged me to really look at my beliefs and to find who I am. Thank you.
Well, you’re welcome, though I wasn’t trying to challenge, since sometimes that’s just too damned much work when you’re trying to figure something out; more sort of put a hopefully gentle and soothing reality out there as the apparent and obvious truth. Good luck with it; it’s hard Work that you’re doing.
[…] 11, 2009 by sassyblonde The recent realizations I have made have led me to a rebirth of sorts. I’m feeling new feelings and actually […]
You might want to visit some of the ex-quiverfull blogs like http://nolongerquivering.wordpress.com/
or the forum: http://nolongerquivering.proboards.com/index.cgi the women that visit the forum have left or are coming out of all different oppressive religions, not only the quiverfull movement, and lend support to each other and share stories…
Hi Sassy….
I would like to ditto the suggestions made by Thalia. I think the ultimate answer to combatting the past is with new truth. Sometimes that means reading about or watching a video on a different religion. But I can understand your reluctance to do that also. I remember in the days after 9/11 hearing someone talk about how Muslims believe in the same God we do…..and that struck me right between the eyes. Not so much that their Quoran had a different set of rules, but that millions had a DIFFERENT perspective. That tiny part of that statement changed how I viewed Muslims. And not just Muslims….the same is true with everyone and everything.
If you don’t want to focus anymore energy on religions (which I fully understand) then maybe tap into the world at large. It could be nature settings….a quiet walk that allows your ears to actually listen to and soak in the nature that surrounds you….settling into the very soul of you so that you can experience a connection. Disconnect is often a part of religious teaching, but I never believed that was from God.
Another channel for your energy could be rediscovering of your own mind and body. I’m not talking anything sexual here (though we ARE sexual beings…and that’s ok), just listening to your body’s cues, internal messages, and inner voice. So many times I was taught to ignore or deny the signals I was getting, but in all truth, those things are a very real, necessary part of who I am. I constantly struggle with this myself due to past abuse and guilt laden religions I participated in.
You could even challenge yourself to learn more about animals. Since you have a love for animals, maybe you could branch out your knowledge of them by volunteering at a shelter or vets office, taking a class on caring for or training animals, etc. Doing this will increase your capacity for love…and thus your ability to love yourself more.
Your diary blog is a great lesson in self discovery and interpreting your own feelings. It’s a powerful thing actually seeing your thoughts and emotions in black and white. For me, that was a way of breaking the guilt barrier. I owned those words I wrote and I couldn’t take them back. They were out there. Sometimes I would write down the things I would say to those that hurt me….or the things I wanted to say. The practice of speaking YOUR TRUTH can be very healing. Even if you feel you would never say those words to the person you were hurt by, writing it down takes some of the power away from it.
Here is an example for you:
I was sexually abused by a relative when I was a child. I journaled a lot about that during my reparenting years. The pain, the agony, the damage done to my soul…..it was all written down and read over and over by me. I wrote a letter to this person saying all the things I felt..and it was powerful. It was enough for me to just write it down. It CHANGED how I felt inside. And I believed I would never be able to say to this person how damaged I was by his actions. Flash forward to today. I had the opportunity to speak to this relative again. I had forgiven him for my own sake and moved on. He asked me if he could confide in me about his wife and asked for my secrecy in doing so. I stopped him and told him quote”I will no longer keep secrets about you. Those secrets changed me profoundly, and what you did to me was wrong and hurtful. Just because I have chosen to forgive you for my own well being doesn’t mean I will let you hurt me again.” I was shaking and mad and teary and strong during that statement…..but I closed forever the door on being hurt by that person again….finally….at 43. His response was surprise and quietness.
The real point is to “own what is yours”. That includes the good and the bad. But knowing your truths takes a tremendous amount of courage, introspection, and energy. It’s ok to NOT have the energy to do it sometimes. It’s a journey that changes with each stage of your life. The body changes I have endured as a perimenopausal woman have triggered new paths on my own journey. I am vigilant when I am not tired. I am strong when I am not weak. I am honest when I can be. All of these are truths about me and they are mine. Uncovering those truths and laying to rest the lies takes time and practice. Regardless of where you are today in that journey, know that you are in exactly the right place for you. It is your truth.