The recent realizations I have made have led me to a rebirth of sorts. I’m feeling new feelings and actually experiencing some self acceptance rather than just talking about it. I’ve gotta say, it’s a great feeling!
I wanted to share with you an AHA moment I had the other morning. (Keep in mind that my cultish religion would constantly remind me, 24/7, that I was condemned to hell and could never be good enough.)
I got out of bed like I do every morning and I went to the dog bowl and fed the dog. I went from the dog bowl to the shower to start running the water. I woke up still knowing that I had to release myself from these erroneous beliefs I had so entrenched in my heart. I had not slept well because I was making all these new realizations about the pseudo-Christianity I had been raised by but I was also too excited to sleep because I had found someone online (actually several people) who had experienced exactly what I did and had been freed from the constant feeling of condemnation. A whole new world was opening up for me.
So I’m standing in the shower and I start telling myself, “You’re forgiven. You’re forgiven. You’re forgiven.” I say that over and over like other affirmations I’ve used the past few years. And that’s when it hit me! “Why are you even trying to convince yourself you’re forgiven when you haven’t even gotten out the door yet! You haven’t done anything wrong!” That’s when that giant lightbulb went off!! That’s when I realized I was starting a new day…a new life…I had a new outlook! I had not done one damn thing to make myself feel guilty yet I was still asking for forgiveness in that I was trying to convince myself I was forgiven.
That’s how programmed and brainwashed I have been. I woke up feeling guilty. I wouldn’t step foot on the ground without feeling guilty. What kind of life is that? It’s a life of fear and dread.
Now some of you may ask, “why is she posting about this ‘religious’ stuff on a blog about fat acceptance and intuitive eating/living.”
I am a compulsive overeater. I know there are fat folks out there who do not have “issues” but I am one who does. I have issues out the wazoo and the way I’ve coped all these years has been to numb out and to avoid feelings by diverting my energy and thoughts to eating and food. I’ve pussyfooted around this religion issue for so many years because I don’t think I’ve had the strength to really tackle it until now. I believe that this issue with my former religion is the crux of my emotional distress and until I confront it head on I won’t be able to move forward in my recovery.
I have to take a minute here to make clear to everyone that my goal is not to lose weight…my goal is to be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy. I do, however, think that once I get to the core of the religion issue and free myself of the condemnation, I’ll be able to move forward in every aspect of my life. I believe that I eat to cover the intense emotion of failure and unworthiness. If I can get through that barrier I’ve built around myself I think I’ll be better able to truly care for myself.
My thought processes to this point have been similar to: You’re going to hell anyway so why care what you eat or how much? OR Everyone thinks your worthless anyway so dig in. OR Your father thinks you’re a slut so build this BIG wall around your body so no one will want to touch you. OR If you make yourself miserable with food it can serve as your punishment for not being perfect.
So do you see now how this could be a huge breakthrough for me? Self care and listening to my own body has been alien to me. Someone else was always leading my thought processes. Of course, now I’m seeing where the choice is mine on how to live my life. I think another reason I’ve put off working on this issue is the fear of failure once again. I’ve been led to believe that I “can’t” make the best decision for myself, that I need someone to always direct me and tell me if my decision is right. I’ve never been led to believe that I can trust my own intuition.
So that’s why I’m talking about religion on this blog. The number one reason is because AGR and I agreed when we first started this blog that we would use it to better ourselves and to further our recovery. Another reason is because I see a huge correlation in the rules and judgments of my past religion to the “religion of dieting” – so many do’s and don’ts, rights and wrongs, leaving no room for human imperfection or intutiveness on the part of the individual.
I can tell you that since I’ve blogged about this particular issue, it feels as if a burden has been lifted from my heart. I see mornings in a whole new light and see each day as a new beginning instead of a continuation of guilt from the days, months and years in my past. My outlook on life is the best now that I believe it’s ever been.
If you’ve made it through yet another long and rambling post of mine, my thanks go out to you. Thank you for being there with me and supporting me.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
All of us at some point have to rewrite a piece of the script of our lives. For some of us it’s about physical or sexual abuse. For some it’s religious in nature, like yours. For yet others, it’s recognizing that we’re adult and responsible for our own actions, or taking a political stance that won’t be popular, or…well, there are dozens of possibilities.
The thing is, while the context of the journey is different and while some of us are fighting much larger demons than others, we all get these lightbulb moments.
I’m not saying this to in any way attempt to diminish the breakthrough you have made, but rather to explain why this comfortable atheist has been able to relate to your journey in a small way.
Since the worst damage was done to you through religion, you have to confront that fact head on.
Finding true self-acceptance is sometimes a surprisingly convoluted road. Today you took a huge, huge step into the light. I’m glad you shared it with us all.
Twistie, I in no way saw your comment as a diminishing of my journey….not at all. I appreciate so much you letting me know that you can relate, even if it is in a small way, to this breakthrough that I’ve made. And yes, I do need to confront this head on. I’m glad you and others are here to cheer me on. Thanks again.
Oh, man. I have so been there.
I still remember the exact moment that I realized I no longer believed: there was no guilt/sin/judgment/fear/self-hate. It went away when I stopped believing in God (“God” of my religion, not necessarily in the universal force of god).
When I stopped thinking that I was sinful and unworthy of love, the self-loathing (that was from my fundamentalist upbringing, not the culturally-based self-hate) went away. That self-loathing was a big part of my BED. I have had no major episodes in the year since I left my faith. Not saying it would be the same for everyone, though. Faith helps some people, but for me it had the opposite effect.
I spent my whole freakin’ life trying to “feel” that “peace that passes all understanding.” Oh, the irony of having no peace until I became agnostic… lol
Sorry for such a long comment, I could write about this for days. But, one more thing: I kicked the imaginary “God” voice out of my head. A revelation for me was that there wasn’t actually a judgmental spirit in me, reading my thoughts, and judging them for their “Christ-likeness”. My thoughts are mine. My body is MINE. It is not a temple for someone else: I AM MYSELF. EVERYTHING INSIDE ME IS MINE. Dude, that is freeing!
Anyway, I really loved this post. I feel less weird knowing that someone has had a kind of similar experience! I know how hard leaving a cultish religion can be, but it’s so worth it.
C, “the peace that passes all understanding”, yeah, I’ve heard that one a lot myself. I, like you, have not had peace on any given day – where I felt like a whole person – until a few days ago.
I can’t so far yet to say that I don’t believe in God but I do not believe in the “God” I was raised to believe in. For me, that is irrelevent at this point. The feeling of freedom is so overwhelming right now that I haven’t really given God a second thought. (oh my parents are turning over in their graves….I’ve let the devil in my heart…to even think such things or to question my upbringing would be my death to them)
I haven’t heard the imaginary god voice in my head for a few days now and I’m sure that’s the peace that I’m experiencing. When I read that, I knew immediately what you were referring to. My imaginary god voice sounded very much like my father’s voice.
Now isn’t that ironic? My father eventually had to have a permanent tracheostomy and was unable to talk clearly for the last few years of his life. That condemning voice of my dad got quieter and quieter and is now gone (because he died) and now so is the comdemning voice of the god I was raised to believe in. OMG! The relief is overwhelming! No more physical voice/condemnation of my father and no more spiritual or emotional voice/condemnation from “god”. It’s like I’ve been set free!!!! Again I’m feeling that new found freedom.
Thank you C for contributing!
*Hugs*
I remember when I was a young teen I read a book called From Housewife to Heretic (I’m not recommending it, I really don’t remember it terribly well). It’s a story about a woman who frees herself from being a Mormon and part of it is about a little known aspect of Mormonism where there is a Goddess equal to God (so she says, I’ve never been Mormon or studied it). For some reason that idea just grabbed me and made me realize that women are just as good as men. That not only male traits could be divine. It really helped me see the dark spots in my own psyche and become a stronger person. I’m not at all religious now, but it is an important part of how I became who I am today; and a basis for my feminism.
Piffle, isn’t it funny, some of the ways we came to the conclusions that made us stronger? Sometimes it’s a book or a song or someone else’s story. It doesn’t really matter where the epiphany comes from, only that we use it in our lives to make us stronger.
I hope to someday be able to say that I am my own person with my own opinions and that I love and accept myself for who I am. I think I’m getting closer to that every day now!
A big “aha” moment of mine was when I was going through therapy. I suddenly realized that I cannot “make” someone feel a certain way, and someone else cannot “make” me feel a certain way either. I had just realized that I have a choice regarding my emotions – I just didn’t realize it, and I kept projecting the responsibility for my emotions onto others.
Embrace your “aha” moments. They are the catalysts for life change 🙂
Regarding religion, when I was just out of high school, I had to admit to myself that I could not believe in ONE god, a god of everything. So, I had two choices: atheism, or polytheism. I chose the latter, and have been following the path of Asatru for years now. I am more spiritually fulfilled than I ever have been at any time in the past. I’m not saying that Asatru is for everyone – I am just glad that I found what was right for me – a religion with no sin, no evil, no shame – a religion that puts the values of our ancestors (courage, industriousness, hospitality, to name a few) at the forefront.
I’m happy for you, sassy – you sound like you are doing better already!
My stance is that this blog is about WHATEVER WE WANT IT TO BE.
However, since Sassy and I knew from the start that we had a big interest in size acceptance, IE and ED Recovery and all that – we just put ourselves in that category, because we knew we’d be producing plenty of stuff along those lines anyway. 😉
I knew what church you were a part of in a general sense… but I didn’t realize you are in exactly the same church that many of my cousins are in. Now that I’ve read the details of your branch of that church, I know exactly what you’re talking about… at least, I imagine that I do. My cousins belong to a church where women are only really allowed to be educated in being missionaries or as teachers in religious schools aligned with this particular church. Women are supposed to be totally submissive to their husbands. One of my cousins even was pressured into an arranged marraige of sorts with a guy from that congregation as opposed to being allowed to date the nice muslim boy that she really liked that she met at work. Well… she could’ve dated the muslim guy… but only if he completely dumped islam and converted to this very cultish church she was raised in. Sigh. If her father hadn’t gotten involved, I’m sure my cousin would’ve dated the muslim guy…. but she didn’t want to be completely alienated from her family and all her friends, cuz pretty much everyone in her life was a part of that church and would shun her for dating outside this very insular branch of christianity, let alone date a muslim.
Weirdly, this branch of the family lets men do just about whatever they want though. The male child of that family can date whoever he wants… I suppose the family assumes he will force whoever marries him to convert too.
At my cousin’s wedding (another cousin.. same branch), only music from the soundtrack to Star Wars was played, because most types of music are considered sinful to that religion. Dancing was out of the question.
The weirdest thing I ever saw was at a party I threw in my apartment for family. We had this leftover brie and I saw that my aunt kept looking at it and I knew she really liked it… so I invited her to take it home with her. She told me that she would have to ask her husband if she was allowed to take home left-over cheese… no joke…
While I wasn’t raised in that particular denomination… I hear you. I was raised by a minister (who was also a psychologist) who was constantly telling me what an infidel I am and how the path to heaven is so difficult as to be impossible unless you are some kinda saint. It was very black/white in thinking and very scary, because (according to him) just about everything I felt, thought or did was a sin and that God was so gonna kick my ass. Add to that that my mother was obsessed with Armageddon and Revalations and was constantly watching things on TV and reading things about how the end of the world would happen any second… and man… religion just scared the bejezus out of me! The end of the world was a scary enough idea without the certainty that I was going to hell as soon as I was dead. Yay. Fun.
You do what you gotta do, my friend, to heal from all this cultish crap you’ve been through. My heart goes out to you.
Don’t know much about religion but was terrorized psychologically by a crazy mom with all kinds of eating and body issues, and since I can’t afford (and don’t like) therapy, I’, kinda training it away. Face right into it, and using logic, self-soothing, and much crying, I’m learning to be functional and not just dysfunctional and unhappy. Still got a ways to go, but I stopped eating emotionally, trying to be codependent, smoking, bad relationships, now I’m really trying to like myself.